April 1, 2016

Doctor StrangeTrump or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Don


Narrator: For more than a year, ominous rumors had been privately circulating among high-level Republican Cucksuckers that their ridiculously named Chairman Reince Priebus had been at work on what was darkly hinted to be the ultimate weapon: a fixed and bogus convention in which millions of Republican voters were to be mercilessly gang-raped -- while still allowing the staff of the National Review to keep Cucksucking on their gilded kneepads for the next ten decades, or until Rich Lowry's penis exceeded two inches, which ever came first. Intelligence sources traced the origin of the top secret Cuckservative rat copulating project to the perpetually fog-shrouded skull of Joe Biden in Foggy Bottom. Why these Cucksuckers were preparing to destroy their own party, and why those plans should originate in such a dumbass democrap no one could say.

Still, being such pansyasses as the "leadership" was, did they have the resolve to go ahead with their plan while knowing that, if they did, some disgruntled voter or voters would spend a long, long time looking to put a .338 Lapua Magnum round into their pointy little heads at 1,000 meters?


Chairman Reince Priebus: [to Dr. Donald StrangeTrump after Priebus has received the shooting script for American Sniper 2 that lists him for a cameo.] Hello?... Uh... Hello Don uh hello Don? Listen uh uh I can't hear too well. Do you suppose you could turn your reruns of The Apprentice down just a little?... Oh-ho, that's much better... yeah... huh... yes... Fine, I can hear you now, Donald... Clear and plain and coming through fine... I'm coming through fine, too, eh?... Good, then... well, then, as you say, we're both coming through fine... Good... Well, it's good that you're fine and... and I'm fine... I agree with you, it's great to be fine... a-ha-ha-ha-ha... Now then, Donald, you know how we've always talked about the possibility of something going wrong with the Convention... The *Convention*, Dmitri... The *Republican* convention!... Well now, what happened is... ahm... one of our delegate counters, he had a sort of... well, he went a little funny in the head... you know... just a little... funny. And, ah... he went and did a silly thing... Well, I'll tell you what he did. He ordered all your delegates... to vote for Hillary Clinton... Ah... Well, let me finish, Donald... Let me finish, Donald... Well listen, how do you think I feel about it?... Can you *imagine* how I feel about it, Donald?... Why do you think I'm calling you? Just to say hello?... *Of course* I like to speak to you!... *Of course* I like to say hello!... Not now, but anytime, Donald. I'm just calling up to tell you something terrible has happened... It's a *friendly* call. Of course it's a friendly call... Listen, if it wasn't friendly... you probably wouldn't have even got it... The delegates will *not* be voting for Hillary Clinton for at least another hour... I am... I am positive, Donald... Listen, I've been all over this with Corey once I got Michelle to quit grabbing his Johnson.... again. It is not a trick... Well, I'll tell you. We'd like to give your campaign staff a complete run-down on the delegates, the voting plans, and the photoshops of all of them sexually involved with young boys, ponies, and Ted Cruz.... Yes! I mean i-i-i-if we're unable to recall the delegates, then... I'd say that, ah... well, ah... we're just gonna have to help you shoot them in the head on the floor of the convention, Donald... I know they're our boys... All right, well listen now. Who should we call?... *Who* should we call, Donald? The... wha-wha, the People... you, sorry, you faded away there... The Donald StrangeTrump campaign headquarters... Where is that, Don?... The server in your jet's bathroom.... Right... Yes... Oh, you'll call them first, will you?... Uh-huh... Listen, do you happen to have the phone number on you, Donald?... Whe-ah, what? I see, just Google... Ah-ah-eh-uhm-hm... I'm sorry, too, Donald... I'm very sorry... *All right*, you're sorrier than I am, but I am as sorry as well... I am as sorry as you are, Donald! Don't say that you're more sorry than I am, because I'm capable of being just as sorry as you are... So we're both sorry, all right?... All right.

Dr. StrangeTrump: "Your Cuckservative has no regard for American liberty, not even his own. And for this reason, men, I want to impress upon you the need to shoot them in the back of the head whenever you see them coming out of the National Review offices. The Cuck may come individually, or the Cucks may come in strength. He may even come in Donald StrangeTrump frightwig. But however the Cuck comes, we must stop him. We must not allow him to regain entrance to the Republican base. Now, I'm going to give you THREE SIMPLE rules: First, trust NO Cuck, whatever his fat little phony baloney job; Second, any Cuckservative or Cucksucker that approaches within 200 yards of the Convention Hall is to have his toes lubed and then be filed feet-first through a wood-chipper; Third, if in doubt, woodchip first then ask questions afterward. I would sooner accept a few casualties through accidents rather losing the entire Republican base and its personnel to these stealth-faggot cucksukers from the National Review. Any variation on these rules must come from me personally. Now, men, in conclusion, I would like to say that, in the campaign months it has been my privilege to be your obvious next president of the United States, I have always expected the best from you, and you have never given me anything less than that. Today, the nation is counting on us. We're not going to let them down. Flush a cucksucker for your Don. Good luck to you all."

Chairman Reince Priebus: ¡ Jeb!, do you recall what that great Republican Barack Obama once said about elections?

¡JEB!: No, my wonderful manly man, I don't think I do, Reince, my darling, no. (But kiss me again, you mad ¡fool!)

Chairman Reince Priebus: He said elections were too important to be left to the voters. When he said that, 50 minutes ago, he might have been right. But today, elections are too important to be left to the winning candidate with the most votes and the most delegates. They have neither the cucksucking experience, the training of how to kiss up to billionaires, nor the inclination to wipe their ass with the Constitution like all good cuckservatives do. I can no longer sit back and allow StrangeTrump infiltration, StrangeTrump indoctrination, StrangeTrump subversion and the nationwide StrangeTrump conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious Cuckservative fluids.

Chairman Reince Priebus:

Posted by gerardvanderleun at April 1, 2016 10:25 PM
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

I did the first coupla sentences but I just couldn't wade any further through that mud. pointless

Posted by: ghostsniper at April 1, 2016 6:42 AM

It is hard to get for limited attention spans. It also requires that one is familiar with three major touchstones of recent popular culture, Dr. Strangelove, The Godfather, and Blazing Saddles. All this makes it an extrmely difficult April 1 post that will bring those of limited ability up short. I should have posted a trigger notice. I'll make it simpler next year.

Posted by: vanderleun at April 1, 2016 7:43 AM

VdL -

Nah, fuck 'em. Make 'em learn to read.

And see if you can figure out how Mexicans make that upside down exclamation point so you can spell !Jeb! correctly, y'know?

Posted by: Rob De Witt at April 1, 2016 8:16 AM

Keep after the fu ched Republicants. Give em no quarter. Trump could decapitate a kitten in Times Square for all I care, and I'd still vote for him. Here's why (for the stupidly impaired voters out there). I read yesterday that Wal Mart just took their first loss in maybe forever. McDonalds has also started into the red, I understand. These are the vestigal markets; the ones who profited from the screw you economy of Barry Ocligula the destroyer. Now stop and think a second. We've had a bad economy for 8-9 years now, and the whole time the media and Washington have been telling you how sunny it is. That is some scary shit right there!
Trump is existentially about the economy. He will on day 1, I reckon, say, "we are deficient here, here, and here; now let's get to work."
idc if he sells the girl scouts to Chile, he is our only hope against the evil that has descended upon us. Think for a moment about Cruz the Senator and the economy. The Senate! The Senate! They are fundamentally retarded when it comes to the economy. Their whole agenda is tax and spend. It is their only motive. How are you going to upend that machine and make it run backwards? Answer: it starts with an engineer hammer and ends with a lot of broken stuff.

Posted by: Casey Klahn at April 1, 2016 8:28 AM

Twitter Gerard fuses with American Digest Gerard to create an April Fool's Day classic.

I doff my cap to you, sir, fare thee well.

Posted by: Clinton at April 1, 2016 9:29 AM

Not a bad 1st of April kickoff at all Vanderleun!

I do assume, of course, that before sitting down to the ̶ ̶c̶o̶n̶f̶o̶u̶n̶d̶e̶r̶ computer you either consumed four shots of Irish or watched my favorite faggot, Milo Yiannopoulos, on Youtube for and hour to find the ̶g̶a̶y̶ bright cadence and rhythm that shines throughout the piece.

Posted by: Jim O'Neil at April 1, 2016 10:38 AM

A man's gotta drink what a man's gotta drink to git er done, Jim.

Posted by: vanderleun at April 1, 2016 2:23 PM

Hell, Gerard, I enjoyed reading it. I would like to point out though, that you can shoot a .300 Win Mag or you can shoot a .338 Lapua but not at the same time. "...looking to put a .300 Winchester Magnum .338 Lapua Magnum round into their pointy little heads at 1,000 meters?"

Posted by: RM at April 1, 2016 2:23 PM

And Rob...... "¡¡¡Mission Accomplished!!!"

Posted by: vanderleun at April 1, 2016 2:25 PM

The tire is completely shredded, even the bead is mostly missing, but there are people that think it can be fixed.

Not discarded.
Not replaced.
Fixed, using conventional tire repair tools and materials.

THAT'S scary.

Next summer....if not sooner.

I'll stick with my .308's.

Posted by: ghostsniper at April 1, 2016 5:34 PM

VdL -

You gotta admit it's a lot funnier that way....

Posted by: Rob De Witt at April 1, 2016 9:38 PM

I'm cornfused. I take it that this is a joke? I'd find it highly disconcerting to think that you've descended into Trumpian nitwittery. Nothing will be stolen from the gaseous douchebag. He will simply have failed to accumulate the votes of a sufficient number of delegates, no matter how many voters stomp their feet. It is a political party, and these are their rules. He might have wanted to spend some time looking into those rules before he stumbled onstage with his geek-show. Alas, his lack of interest in the details of almost anything will be his undoing, and rightly so.

Posted by: Casca at April 4, 2016 2:27 PM

Date stamp is pretty big. Just sayin'

Posted by: Van der Leun at April 4, 2016 4:20 PM