July 16, 2009

Divorce Agreement: Let's Agree to Differ and Split Up

[Via email today. Hey, it's new on the Web if it is new to me. Okay?]

Dear American liberals,  leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama  supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the  late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has  made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated  each other for many years for the sake of future generations,  but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two  ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on  what is right so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can  smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our  own way.

Here is a model separation  agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the  country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the  difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a  friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy!  Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other  assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate  tastes.
We don't like redistributive taxes so you can  keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.  Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the  cops, the NRA and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael  Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for  finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of  them).
We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations,  pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can  have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal  aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's  and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and  Hollywood.
You can make nice with Iran and Palestine  and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that  threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters.  When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll  help provide them security.
We'll keep our  Judeo-Christian values.. You are welcome to Islam,  Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain. You can also have  the U.N.. but we will no longer be paying the bill.
We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized  luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can  find.
You can give everyone healthcare if you can find  any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare  is a luxury and not a right. We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the  Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to  substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum  Ba Ya or We Are the World.
We'll practice trickle down  economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot.  Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our  name and our flag.
Would you agree to this? If so,  please pass it along to other like minded liberal and  conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit  delete.

In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR  which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.... 

John J. Wall
Law Student and  an American

P.S. Also, please take Barbara Streisand  & Jane Fonda with  you.

I hope that works but I also wonder, "If there's such a thing as a shotgun marriage, can there also be a shotgun divorce? Mossberg owners want to know."

Posted by Vanderleun at July 16, 2009 1:16 PM
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

If only. I hate change but I'd move without a second thought to a state that filed for this divorce.


Posted by: Lucy at July 16, 2009 2:30 PM

I don't know if Mossberg can force a divorce but I know my Remington will get me out of a tight spot.

Adios lefties - and we WILL protect OUR borders.

Sign. Me. Up.

Posted by: JD Sherman at July 16, 2009 2:45 PM

Oh, if only it were that simple. I'd move in heartbeat.

Posted by: Julie at July 16, 2009 3:29 PM

My Seattle friend, we are now even.

Posted by: Morgan K Freeberg at July 16, 2009 8:19 PM

All fine except Wall Street is the party of the Democrats, or vice versa. So I think Wall Street goes to the other side.

Posted by: Fred at July 17, 2009 8:06 AM

I believe, to that end, you would see the vast majority of conservatives extend themselves enthusiastically toward any program that had a practical chance of success, and find the reverse to be true of the left--the fact is, they don't want anything or anybody to be left alone; they live to arrange everything for people they don't know and don't even like. That is their nature, and you be would be robbing them their opinion of themselves.
There is no amicable divorce in our future.

Posted by: james wilson at July 17, 2009 8:24 AM

In California they may outvote us, but will not outshoot us.
I say we line up at the Canadian border, and start marching south with guns leveled at their bellies, sweep east after locking the border with Mexico closed, and continue until Key West, where we can do a reverse Mariel boatlift, and send them home to their promised land, Cuba.

Posted by: Uncle Jefe at July 17, 2009 11:44 AM

I'm down with most of that, but I'll be shooting anyone who "finds" my Forrester.

OTOH, they're welcome to all the Prius's.

Posted by: bud at July 17, 2009 6:00 PM

"[Y]ou may all go to Hell, and I will go to Texas." - Davy Crockett

Fortunately, I'm already here! (In TX, I mean.)

Posted by: newton at July 18, 2009 1:04 PM

Let's start with TX, NM, AZ, NV, ID, CO, OK, MT, WY, MS, MO, SD & ND. That's thirteen, so we can use the old '13 colonies' flag. We can include northern CA or WA to gain a pacific coast port. Tell the 'Progressives' you go with your vision of government and we'll go with ours. In a decade the quality of live will look like north and south Korea.

Posted by: dancinpete at July 18, 2009 1:38 PM

Great proposal, but I objected to to the Subaru section. I live in a mountainous, red county of a blue state, and many of us drive Subarus. All wheel drive, reliable, comparatively inexpensive.

Otherwise, let's do it.

Posted by: IB Bill at July 18, 2009 2:07 PM

@dancinpete Please include AL in that list, you're gonna need some whisky...

Posted by: jay-dubya at August 12, 2009 4:34 AM