January 5, 2007

Bride of Frequently Answered Questions

As a public service, American Digest presents the second installment in our ongoing series of answers to Frequently Answered Questions ®. If you have any Frequently Answered Questions ® you'd like help with, pop them in the comments and our crack staff of out-of-work philosophers, professional wise-guys, cut-rate gurus, and grief counselors between assignments will be happy to enlighten you.

If I light the fuse, should I get away?
If you didn't believe what was printed on the side, just stand there a few seconds more for the definitive answer.

If you love me still, will you love me moving?
Only if I don't have to pay for the van.

Am I guilty?
When you put yourself on trial the verdict is always guilty.

Have you driven a Ford lately?
Yes, but only as a $19.99 a day rental.

Did you leave the toilet seat up again?
If you are tired of hearing this, you need to get either a second bathroom or a new woman. This answer works for either sex.

If you ask this after hearing "Duck!" it's too late for an answer.

Will I ever learn?
Of course you will. Just not now. Better luck next time.

Are you a boy or a girl?
A popular insult during the 60s and 70s, this question have been rendered null and void with the rise of the gender-optional generation.

Is it cold enough for you?
Always a heartwarming question since it signals that the depths of winter have been reached, and that it is only three short months until the same person will ask, "Is it hot enough for you?"

Who will be my role model when my role model is gone?
Either that man back down the alley or some roly-poly, little bat-faced girl. In either case, you might want to rethink needing a role model.

What would Jesus do?
Why don't you ask Him? He will tell you. The hard part is for you to act on it. He's not a bad role model if your role model is gone.

Do you know they refused Jesus too?
You're not Him.

Are you a Republicrat or Democan?

What were you thinking?
Most often asked of children or erring spouses, there is no real answer since the question clearly implies you were incapable of thought at the time of the incident. Your only hope is that the results do not require the MedEvac chopper.

Are you innocent?
Yes. Everybody in this prison is always innocent. Just ask them.

Are you pregnant?
The tone you use and the situation you are in when you ask this question is more important than the answer. Until you get the answer.

How high's the moon?
384,400 kilometers. More or less.

Are you registered to vote?
Yes, even if you are only registered on an Internet opinion site.

Are you sure this is safe?
If the answer is "No problem, I've done this thousands of times" prepare for disaster.

Do you believe in magic?
Yes, but only if the magic's in the music and the music's in me.

What will you take for this?
Figure out the most you'd take for it, double it, and accept half.

What's on your mind?

Oh, yeah? You and what army?
See "Hussain, Saddam v. Bush, George W."

Have you stopped beating your wife?
No, I just started, and the novelty hasn't worn off yet.

Will you respect me in the morning?
"What's going to happen between now and then that would persuade me to do that?"

Is it in yet?

What is the meaning of life?
Someone said it was 48. But now I am 74 plus and can't remember anything about 48.

Are you sure you can fly this?
Well I did OK on the sim....

Where are you going?
I'm leaving the couch for the hallway bathroom, so of course I say, "to the tennis court".

Posted by Vanderleun at January 5, 2007 6:39 AM
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

You forgot at least one:
Q: "Can I ask you a stupid question?"
A: "You just did. Next person please."

Posted by: Doug in Colorado at March 29, 2005 8:11 AM

This is a wonderful item Gerard. You could make a whole site from the concept. BTW there's a typo
in WWJD.

Posted by: Steel Turman at March 29, 2005 9:03 AM

Some that are always asked to me:

Are you blind?

Are you going to finish this any time soon?

And my favorite:

"Why can't you be more like your cousin? He gets straight A's in school."

(that was the only thing about him that was straight...)

Posted by: P.A. Breault at March 29, 2005 10:13 AM

All together now...

"Not that there's anything wrong with that!"

Posted by: Chris of Dangerous Logic at March 29, 2005 12:32 PM

"If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?"
"That depends on how safe the bungee rig looks."

Stolen/paraphrased from somewhere, probably Dilbert.

Posted by: Chris of Dangerous Logic at March 29, 2005 12:34 PM


As a teacher for many years, a day did not go by that some student would say, "Mrs. Byrd, can I ask you a question?" My response was automatic: "You just did." And I'd move right along.

But this is one I hate, and it seems to be de riguer these days of know-it-all pundits:

"Having said that..." Then they go on to counter everything they just said. Oh, shut up.

Posted by: Amy at March 29, 2005 7:42 PM

Why is it ok to pick your friends, and ok to pick your nose, but not ok to pick your friend's nose?

Posted by: Buddy Larsen at January 6, 2007 9:39 AM

Is there anything I can take for this itch?

Posted by: paul a'barge at January 16, 2007 12:21 PM