November 4, 2011

The Cain Perplex: Here’s What I Misunderstand So Far

There might have been sex or there might have been autofondling, or fondling in an auto. It was a he or a she or an it that the unsourced source might have seen being fondled or spoken to or otherwise sexually bareassed or harassed or something fondling. The source or the non-source or the source of the source said he, she -- or even it -- was getting into a cab or a rickshaw or a refrigerator box that was hanging around Herman Cain sometime in the mid to late 1990s. Some say it was a Herman Cain branded cab. Some say Cain was driving it, or in the trunk, or making weird statements about the person that may or may not have been getting into the cab after Cain slipped them the sekrit sex sign which would be a chin wag with the hand.

Others say it was an unsourced cab aka a TAXI. Pa-Yammas Media was reporting something about something about someone who might have seen or said something sometime somehow that included Herman Cain in the deep background playing a harmonica. The Pa-Yammas story required corrections and retractions but it only got corrections which were, in the final analysis, inncorrect.

Bottom line: Herman Cain was a Republican and a black man which made him fit for immediate deblacking. Something or someone got into some cab somewhere at some time in the late 1990s and went back to Herman Cains’ home, apartment, condo, mansion, pizza parlor, Airstream trailer, neighborhood, city, state, region, or planet. He, she or it stayed there for a minute, an hour, overnight, or perhaps longer or shorter, and was seen at work the next day looking like he, she or it was at work. Of all this our reporters are absolutely sure except when we are not and need to issue a correction. And another correction. And another. Stay tuned. This just in...

Posted by gerardvanderleun at November 4, 2011 9:26 AM
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

And they have the nerve to gripe about Joseph McCarthy. HA!

Posted by: stuart at November 4, 2011 9:37 AM

I think that was probably the most difinitive description of what I'm not getting either.
Vote Herman Cain. For spite.

Posted by: Jewel at November 4, 2011 9:54 AM

He's got my vote. I plan to donate to his Iowa Fund. For spite.

Posted by: RedCarolina at November 4, 2011 11:08 AM

On Moxie, I've posted and backed Cain since he became a candidate. A vote for Cain is a vote for political sanity. And he really grinds the Poobahs' faces into the gravel.

Posted by: Peccable at November 4, 2011 11:21 AM

Thank you. This is the clearest description of what happened that I've read so far.

Posted by: Gloria at November 4, 2011 11:33 AM


Posted by: Tom at November 4, 2011 12:00 PM

Concise round-up. Glad you are on the story!

Posted by: Campesino at November 4, 2011 12:04 PM

James Taranto tries, but he's just not in your league:

So to sum up: Anonymous sources told Politico that unnamed women alleged that Cain said unspecified things and made unspecified gestures to them sometime before the turn of the century. The only available fact is that the complaints led to a legal settlement, which included a confidentiality agreement, so its details are unknown. Since the complaints never got to court, there was no official finding of fact.

Posted by: Campesino at November 4, 2011 12:27 PM

This scandal is just getting worse for Cain. Apparently, according to a conservative radio show host named Steve Deace, has accused Cain of saying something offensive to someone on his staff: According to an unnamed source with a really shrill voice, Cain is supposed to have said, "Darlin', would you mind doctorin' my tea for me?" She took it to mean adding lemon and sugar, but she 'felt awkward' according to Deace.

Posted by: Jewel at November 4, 2011 4:53 PM

You gotta lotta nerve, VanderLeun! This parody actually contained about 3X the specific details alleged against Cain as all these nonstories put together!

Posted by: JewishOdysseus at November 4, 2011 6:00 PM


G.vd L. for Cain Administration Press Secretary.

(Obviously not only back from his part-time death experience but better & badder than ever. . .)


Posted by: Sandy Daze at November 4, 2011 6:37 PM

Vanderleun, you are freaking brilliant. If ever a situation called for maximum verbiage with minimal sense, Cain's is it.

Posted by: RandomThoughts at November 4, 2011 10:51 PM

"Bottom line: Herman Cain was a Republican and a black man which made him fit for immediate deblacking."

'deblacking'. Yep. I heard it here for the first time. Who would have thought the Democrats (of all political parties) had this capability?

Posted by: cond0010 at November 4, 2011 11:41 PM

Gerard, I hope you are feeling well enough for a belly laugh.
To be filed under "I'm Herman Cain and I approve this message". From Blazing Saddles- "Where are the white women at?"

Posted by: Richard at November 8, 2011 8:58 PM