November 23, 2016

Remedial Thanksgiving: Just Put the F*cking Turkey in the Oven

1.Start drinking early.

2. Make sure your oven is on.

3. "Just Put the F*cking Turkey in the Oven"

4. Go for a walk.

And now, to make this item even more useful: The Butcher Carves a Turkey.

Ray Venezia, the manager of the meat department at New York's Fairway Market, shows his technique for effectively carving a turkey.

And now, to make this item even more bizarre: Carving a Turkey with a .460 Magnum Elephant rifle.

Posted by gerardvanderleun at November 23, 2016 6:03 PM
Bookmark and Share



"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

Pretty much sums up my approach to cooking turkeys, except I don't drink.

Posted by: bfwebster at November 23, 2011 11:18 AM

I laughed so hard at this, my sides hurt because this is exactly what I wanted to say yesterday on a forum where everyone was competing to tell their "special" turkey roasting secrets. As usual, when a discussion of such high import is under way, commenters break up into factions. You've always got those who like to think they are the "cool kids." Second, you have the wannabes, who can be counted on to cheerlead for those they see as the "cool kids." Third you have the independent thinkers who can see the practicaliites of all positions, Fourth are the cantankerous ones who never agree with anyone just because they are so disagreeable themselves, and Lastly, you have the simple folks who think the whole gamesmanship is stupid and throw up their hands and say, "Just put the f*cking turkey in the oven.

I am a happy person who thinks the "Lastlies" are the real cool kids.

Posted by: Sara (Pal2Pal) at November 23, 2011 11:20 AM

The secret to good turkey is to let the meat soak in the gravy for a few days. Forget Thursday, there are enough side dishes so you won't even miss the turkey. Start eating it Saturday. Everybody knows that.

Posted by: Harry at November 23, 2011 1:16 PM

LOL Harry, I'm with you. I always enjoy the turkey sandwich much more than I do the full dinner.

In fact, so much so, that during the years my husband was active duty and he seemed to always have duty on Thanksgiving and we would go to the ship for dinner, I still bought a small turkey to roast and slice for sandwiches to enjoy in the days after, since other than an extra pie, we never had the best part of the turkey, the leftovers, to bring home from the ship.

Posted by: Sara (Pal2Pal) at November 23, 2011 1:53 PM

With a kitchen like that and mouth and attitude like that I think it's fair to say she's a flaming liberal fuqwit. Never had a good smoked turkey? Cajun turkey? How bout a Southern style with cornbread dressing turkey with all the trimmings?

Lighten up, not everything has to be political.

And I grew up in Western Pennsylvania and it is a surprise to me that cornbread stuffing is southern style. We always stuffed the small end with oyster/cornbread stuffing. Smoked turkey is okay, but I can't imagine serving it for Thanksgiving and expecting all 20 guests to find it palatable. I'm not sure what cajun turkey is other than the spices used. Again, for those of us who enjoy Cajun cooking it might be different but okay, I know that not everyone at the table would agree.

Thanksgiving dinner should be, IMHO, as traditional as you can make it. Memories grow out of tradition. There is something about using Greatgranma's gravy recipe or GreatAunt's pumpkin pie receipe and having the entire dinner bring back not only your own childhood memories but also the childhood memories of the very oldest and very youngest in attendance.

Posted by: Sara (Pal2Pal) at November 23, 2011 2:51 PM

Roasted turkey, Waldorf Salad, Mashed Potatoes, Sweet Potatoes, Green Beens, Corn Pudding, Russian Black bread (courtesy of the daughter's Bulgarian girlfriend.) Stuffing, of course, pumpkin pies, and best of all: 4 grown daughters who insist on doing the cooking this year....except for the stuffing and the pies. There are many, many things for which I am grateful, including Gerard's second bite at life.

Posted by: Jewel at November 23, 2011 7:34 PM

Anyone attempting to pass themselves off as some sort of cooking expert should be able to get it straight that the breast cooks faster than the dark meat, even when completely soused.

Posted by: Casca at November 23, 2011 7:44 PM

Casca, Does "soused" refer to the breast soaked in wine, or to the "cooking expert"?

Posted by: Daniel K Day at November 23, 2011 10:04 PM

Fried turkey is not half bad. But she's right.. it's just another excuse to drink.

Posted by: RedCarolina at November 24, 2011 7:02 AM

Permit me to add: check BOTH cavities for little paper bags. I have done every thing wrong when it comes to cooking a turkey, but Auntie Marie is right: it's just a turkey. Good gravy covers a multitude of sins.

Pah. Make sure you have plenty of pah. And real whipped cream.

Posted by: Deborah at November 20, 2012 8:02 PM

I suppose I could just put the fucking turkey in the oven, but something tells me the Secret Service might have a problem with that. D'Oh!

Posted by: Morgan K Freeberg at November 20, 2012 11:43 PM

My good friend invited me over for Thanksgiving one year. It was about a month after my husband's death. She thought she had everything under control and we were all drinking a little and munching on some goodies. Then she discovered that her mother had somehow accidentally turned the oven off that morning. The turkey was still very raw and very cold. She started trying to dismember it to precook it in the microwave. I went out with some family members to buy more booze.

The turkey was not very memorable, but that Thanksgiving was!

Posted by: Teri Pittman at November 21, 2012 5:48 PM

Well, she may be a commie twit, but she's right about turkey. If it wasn't traditional we wouldn't bother with it. lol

Posted by: pbird at November 22, 2012 7:24 AM

The fondest memory I have of a family Thanksgiving tradition is that there is, in addition to the turkey, a really big ham on the table. Turkey doesn't always come out right, but it's hard to screw up a ham, even teenagers can get it ready to put in the oven, and it doubles your post-holiday sandwich capability. Some years there was a nice sirloin, and mom would make Marsala sauce to go with it. Some years there would be a leg of lamb.

If you can afford it, try to hedge your bets. It's a good idea to have a Plan B sitting on the table when everyone comes to the table--too frequently, turkey is a letdown.

Posted by: Mike James at November 22, 2012 10:25 AM

What I wanna know is where Andrew Klavan got that awful wig, and how he's making his voice so high?

What a card!

Posted by: Will at November 25, 2014 1:35 PM


The butcher did a real hack job on the turkey.

Surgeons do it a lot better than butchers.


Posted by: Mc Kiernan at November 25, 2014 4:50 PM

Thanks for the video. I shared it widely. Of course, since the ladies normally deal with this anywhere but in the Rockwell paintings, I probably got a bunch of husbands in trouble.

"Hey Hon, did you know this?"

Posted by: clayusmcret at November 26, 2014 3:49 AM

Anything but turkey. Getting stuck with the greasy carcase when its all over is getting really old after all these years. And no, it does not make good soup.

Posted by: pbird at November 26, 2014 8:29 AM

The "F" word and Thanksgiving are incompatible. I don't think the so-called family values we seek to engender as conservatives should encourage the use of fowl language.

Posted by: AbigailAdams at November 26, 2014 11:49 AM

The old bat knows her turkey cooking, but apparently never tasted one brined in beer--it's m-m-m-Good. Lacking either a butcher or a surgeon, I gave the New York turkey carving a try. That "roll the thigh bone outta da meat" trick will need about 3 more turkeys to perfect, but otherwise the technique works as advertised. My 12-pound turkey very quickly turned into a gorgeous platter of hefty slices and drummies sufficient to put 10 folks into a tryptophan coma. Hey, it impressed the Wife, who's a pretty tough sell. I say Mission Accomplished.

Posted by: Mike Anderson at November 27, 2014 3:29 PM

Outstanding, Gerard. There are enough laughs in here to carry me through the weekend.

Tip: It won't spoil the turkey if you forget to take the giblets out. Ask me how I know.

Posted by: creeper at November 25, 2015 11:27 AM

I like the idea of smoking a turkey, but finding turkey-sized rolling papers seems problematic.

Posted by: SteveS at November 25, 2015 4:41 PM

Thankful for the excellent juxtaposition of different turkey cookery. Thanksgiving is my favorite American holiday. Love to cook,love to eat. Thank you,our host, for this forum. We all have much to be thankful for.

Posted by: Nori at November 23, 2016 8:02 PM
Post a comment:

"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated to combat spam and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

Remember personal info?