March 28, 2012

Michelle Obama Needs Me. She Really, Really Needs Me. Please Advise.

I try to keep my special and intimate relationship with Michelle Obama on the down low. The thing Michelle and I have is too precious to be cheapened by and tossed about in the grubby paws of Andrew Sullivan and other gossips. What we have is pure and unsullied. It is first and last about my respect for her massive pride in her massive intellect that is supported by my dusky dreamboat's massive back.

MO and I first met in an eHarmony chat room long long before she was elevated to her current position as First Nanny of the United States. At that time we were both lonely souls in need of the kind of soul soothing solace with which such sites seethe. We found it in each other, extra batteries, and lots of Kleenex. I understood her long-distance loneliness at being a political wife whose husband was a vote-humping horndog. She, seeing that I was from Seattle, initially confused me with Tom Hanks.

The hot chat between us soon grew to a deeper and more soulful sharing of our innermost secrets. Mine was to someday help elect a man of an indeterminate and chameleonesque racial and sexual background to the presidency. Hers was to own her very own Cheesecake Factory franchise with 24 hour access to the test kitchens. Needless to say, I achieved my dream while Michelle's was not to be.

Still, after her rise in the world we continued to correspond, albeit rather casually. She would pretend to write me as yet another in the Democrats' endless stack of useful idiots. I would pretend not to answer. It was a relationship we both treasured even if we could not unleash the inner beasts of our lustful natures as we had once in the Ponygirl Chat Rooms of

Lately however it would seem that a shadow has been cast over the sunlit meadows of Michelle's life.

I have to be blunt. It's her husband. He just can't seem to handle money.

At first I ignored her pleas to help him out. After all, I figured, he gets free rent, free food, free gas, and free airplane and David Axelrod mustache rides whenever he wants. Why should I help him? But then came this truly touching letter from MO sharing his pain, and I started to weaken; I started to pull out my wallet. After all, three dollars meant so little to me and it seemed to mean the world to the teeterer I loved. How could I not pay?


There you have it. Straight from the horse's, or Michelle's, mouth.And yet... and yet...still I hesitate. What do you say loyal readers? Should I give him three bucks for working hard late into the night to spend three trillion bucks? And if I don't what kind of a man am I? And will Michelle hold it against me?

Sleepless but Not Tom Hanks in Seattle

Posted by gerardvanderleun at March 28, 2012 3:37 PM
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

She ... initially confused me with Tom Hanks.

I think we have all been there.

Posted by: mushroom at March 28, 2012 11:08 AM

My three cents (inflation)....

Send him the 3 bucks. Given your close relationship with La Moosh, she'll probably send you a pair of her old slacks. You could make a cover for your car. And/or a tent. Possibly a set of pillow cases. Enough left over for a natty tie.

Posted by: Lance de Boyle at March 28, 2012 11:18 AM

Hmm! A McDonald's burger, fries and drink for $3 or a donation to the Oburger? I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

Posted by: Jimmy J. at March 28, 2012 11:41 AM

If you don't respond she may never spek to you again. I should be that lucky.

Posted by: Mikey NTH at March 28, 2012 11:43 AM

Let me thinK. $3 to re-elect an America-hating, Marxist-loving, Mohammedan-bowing person of unknown history and his officious spouse? Or do I drive to the store and buy a Mega Millions ticket for the $476 million dollar jackpot and a bag of Skittles, while carrying my HK-45 with 12-round clip, of course. Car keys...

Posted by: twolaneflash at March 28, 2012 12:00 PM

Here's how I handle donation requests from the unreliable GOP-ers. I send a dollar and on that dollar is the helpful and largely written suggestion "F U RINO"

Maybe "F U Fascist" fits here.

Posted by: Scott M at March 28, 2012 12:47 PM

Try one of these

Posted by: Scott M at March 28, 2012 1:46 PM

I am deeply touched by your relationship with Lady M, Gerard. I know it is special, because she has never mentioned it to me.

Her request for the payment of $3.00 to support Big Guy and strengthen the relationship does not seem unreasonable, especially in these economically challenging times. Ms. Fluke would have expected at least 1000 times more.

A relationship like this comes only once in a lifetime. I HOPE.


P.S. I don’t know how to break this to you, butt she may be two timing you. Raj got the same email.

Posted by: MOTUS at March 28, 2012 2:43 PM

Never mind this donation crap, Gerard. We want to see the letters you have been writing that keep B-Ho up late at night.

Posted by: SteveS at March 28, 2012 4:38 PM

Send three dollars in Monopoly money.

Posted by: Former Lurker at March 28, 2012 4:51 PM

When I get donation requests, I ask them for their Grizzly Inc. account number. If they say that they don't have one, I offer to send them an application, to be filled out in triplicate, and submitted along with a non-refundable $50 application fee, of course. (After all, it's grueling work to do the background check, keeps me up late at night, etc.)

Posted by: Grizzly at March 28, 2012 5:06 PM

Here, money that is specifically designed for the current crisis:

Posted by: Jewel at March 28, 2012 5:09 PM

I say send $1 and hope that "my belle" will continue your long-distance relationship.

Posted by: Hangtown Bob at March 29, 2012 8:14 AM

Hell No.

Posted by: Grace at March 29, 2012 8:57 AM

You do what you have to do man, but at all costs, don't let her hold it against you!!

Posted by: Shooter1001 at March 29, 2012 2:00 PM

I sincerely hope the author will stay safe. And thank you, oh thank you. Just when the insanity seemed as high as the Vanilla Sky, you have restored my perspective.

Posted by: Hannah Nelson at March 29, 2012 4:18 PM

Three bucks? Is BHO pimping her out for campaign loot?

Posted by: Peccable at March 30, 2012 4:57 AM

Gerard: She's two-timing us! I got the same email!

Posted by: Eric Blair at March 30, 2012 9:26 AM

Mayhaps 'tis the Axel rod itself he rides.

Posted by: JD(not the one with the picture) at March 30, 2012 4:13 PM