May 30, 2015

If Men Can Put It Up Bitches Can Put It Down


The operation of a toilet seat, while quite a bit simpler to operate than the seat controls on your average automobile, still seems to elude the grasp of the supposedly superior female mind. -- Westsound Modern

For many years now, the "seat always down after use" instruction from GynoAmericans to the men who put up with their rollicking insanity has always been one that sets my teeth on fire.

I mean really, ladies, how hard can it be? A flick of your wrist and, BLANG!, it's down and you can reign regally from the throne once again, mistress of your micturition moment. Don't try and tell me that, to please your royal hindness, men are forever expected to return the platform to its fully down and locked position.

It seems to me a simple matter of equality and seniority. Last user retains the position rights acquired. If I use it, up. If you use it, down. Even-steven all around. I'll lift if I'm after you. You'll flick the wrist to put it down if you're after me. That way no drops on the seat and no seats on the drops.

If you are still a sensitive little forest flower of a girly-girl, you can hover above the seat like your mother taught you to do in public restrooms frequented by filthy females who have hovered and sprayed before you.

Look at it this way, if I have left it up any residual drops have probably drained away by the time you flick down and you'll be none the wiser.


Posted by Vanderleun at May 30, 2015 4:52 AM
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

I pee in the sink, thereby obviating the problem---if obviating is the word I want.

If caught....

"Just WHAT the hell are you DOing peeing in MY sink!?"

...I use staunch denial.

" I am NOT peeing in YOUR sink. I'm measuring its depth."

Posted by: Lance de Boyle at June 24, 2011 3:27 PM

I disagree. Toilet looks better closed. It's not designed to look best open. The fly of trousers, garage doors, car doors, car hoods, suit jacket. Looks undone or incomplete otherwise. Like you made a sandwich and didn't put anything away.

Posted by: Rick at June 24, 2011 3:37 PM

No deal!

Posted by: Sara (Pal2Pal) at June 24, 2011 4:07 PM

"If you are still a sensitive little forest flower of a girly-girl, you can hover above the seat like your mother taught you to do in public restrooms frequented by filthy females who have hovered and sprayed before you. "

Man is this true. I worked as a cashier in a convenience store/gas station beside I-95 in Florida. I thought I'd developed a cynical and angry view of consumers from having an Aspy personality and working at theme parks and fast-food restaurants. Working one day and being responsible for a Women's Room tells you more about women than most anything else.

Every last women tears off about 40 feet of toilet paper to cover every square inch of the bathroom surfaces and then proceeds to hover and filth-ify all said surfaces.

The one item is a Women's Room which is never out of stock, the pre-made paper "butt gaskets" made to protect the women from the WMD germs of past women.

After the deed is done all paper is left in place.

If God wanted women to travel He would have made them urinal friendly.

A Men's Room after a day of public use would have a few paper towels on the floor near the trash can.

Posted by: Scott M at June 24, 2011 4:32 PM

I am about to suffer from pre-micturition convulsive laughter, Vanderleun. At least it isn't post-micturition convulsion syndrome. Write something scary, and it could be.

Posted by: Jewel at June 24, 2011 4:55 PM

Rick sez: Toilet looks better closed. It's not designed to look best open.

Kittehs agree. When I was a kid everyone in the household put the seat down after use for a reason that had nothing to do with gender wars-- it discouraged the cats from drinking out of the toilet.

Posted by: PA Cat at June 24, 2011 4:58 PM

The position of the toilet seat has never been a problem in my house because MY HUSBAND insists that the LID be closed after every use.

Which reminds me: NOTE TO REAL ESTATE AGENTS! Put the damn toilet lid seat down before you take a photo of the bathroom. It will improve the quality of your photos 100%, and make me think you are smart enough to sell real estate.

(Ahem. Ah. Excuse me Gerard, for going all pissy, but I've been house-shopping.)

Posted by: Deborah at June 24, 2011 5:03 PM

@Deborah, check out the next-door house's layout if it's higher than the one you're looking at. We looked at a new house in a subdivision a few years ago, and found that from the upstairs bedroom we could look through the bathroom skylight of the house next door and see the throne therein.

Posted by: pfsm at June 24, 2011 5:54 PM

"it discouraged the cats from drinking out of the toilet."

I've found that one swift kick in the cat's butt when I found it drinking out of the toilet solved that problem for the rest of the cat's life. (After it climbed out and dried itself.)

Posted by: vanderleun at June 24, 2011 5:58 PM

Confession: When I turned fourteen I sold all my shares in The Woman Haters Club to Spanky and Alfalfa.

Posted by: Rick at June 24, 2011 6:37 PM

The dainty hand that can't put it seat down is the one that grabs the brush and scrubs the bowl and cleans the lid after the kids pee all over the seat.

So tell me again about the seat's position...

Posted by: Peccable at June 24, 2011 8:37 PM

When you leave the lid up, the dog drinks out of the toilet. And don't be telling me you'll kick the dog to teach him to stay away from the toilet; he was here before you. He doesn't snore, he never hogs the remote control, he is always glad to see me, so if I had to choose...

Posted by: RandomThoughts at June 24, 2011 10:30 PM

Fine then, go f*&k the dog too.

Posted by: at June 25, 2011 4:29 AM

This has not been an issue in my marriage I think because my husband has two older sisters. I don't even think it's an issue with my kids and they look for things to fight about. I was starting to think it was a myth. Now, cat drinking out of toilet... been there, done that, wish I could just teach it to do it's business instead.. and then flush. But maybe I just expect too much out of life.

Posted by: RC at June 25, 2011 5:07 AM

Hmm, Gerard, why all the anger?

Posted by: Donald Sensing at June 25, 2011 7:19 AM

The sanitary and disease-preventing method of toilet use is to close the toilet lid before flushing, keeping the micro-droplets of water created from becoming airborne. Also, it prevents dropping objects into the toilet by accident, which is just a messy disaster. Open lid, use toilet, close lid, flush, wash hands- twice - because e.coli is like Velcro and sticks to skin with barbs on the cell surface. As for pleasing women in the bathroom, trying washing her back.

Posted by: twolaneflash at June 25, 2011 8:45 AM

Sorry. No. The damn thing looks unkempt propped open.

Posted by: pbird at June 25, 2011 9:40 AM

ScottM made me laugh. Of course he's completely wrong, but he's still really funny. And that reminds me of a story. Luckily my husband has evolved out of the cave man stage having grown up with four sisters, so he actually knows how to put the seat down. When our grandson was first potty trained, he HAD to go when we were taking him home. Reluctantly Bob had to take him in a nasty Village Pantry men's room, so he had to explained to him he would not be able to sit. He said, "I'll hold you up and you'll have to whip out your hose and pee." My 3 1/2 year-old grandson said, "HOSE?" and then just cracked up laughing. Thankfully, Grandpa taught him bathroom manners. If my 9 year-old grandson can remember to put down the seat, I would have thought at least one of you men would have figured it out by now. :D

Posted by: Rita at June 25, 2011 9:41 AM

I remember reading of the mushroom cloud of filthy toilet water launched into the air when flushed with the lid up. That provided all the incentive I needed to keep the seat (and lid) down after use.

Keeping the animals out of it was a bonus, too.

Posted by: Mike Lief at June 25, 2011 10:37 AM

Who cares if the seat is left up? I'm just happy that if the seat isn't getting peed *on*.

Posted by: Laur at June 25, 2011 11:43 AM

Fine then, go f*&k the dog too.
Posted by at June 25, 2011 4:29 AM

I was being sarcastic (as I am sure Vanderleun knows). You are just rude. And a spineless coward, posting your rudeness without a name. Be gone before someone drops a house on you.

Posted by: RandomThoughts at June 25, 2011 12:31 PM

At a service station in Texas with a unisex facility and a line of attractive women, it's my turn. On exiting I announced smilingly that I'd left the lid up so they'd know I hadn't soiled it. Received by good natured laughter.

Posted by: John Hinds at June 25, 2011 12:48 PM

When the Love of My Life moved in we had the toilet seat discussion. It was a week before we got married. I learned I was expected to put the seat down for her. I told her that A) It was my home before it was hers and that B) I'd prefer Even Steven since it is just as easy to put it down as up. An argument ensued.

I then decided it was time to mark a bit of territory. So to speak. I stopped putting the seat up at all. What can I say? I'm a barbarian. That did the trick.

Took all of two days of her wiping the seat off and things were Even Steven forever after.

Posted by: Jim Sullivan at June 25, 2011 1:13 PM

I confirm sarcasm for Random.

Posted by: at June 25, 2011 1:31 PM

Tell you what, ladies. I'll promise to put the seat back in the down position if you promise not to leave blood on it.

Jus' speakin' from experience.

Posted by: Grizzly at June 25, 2011 5:17 PM

I really have never understood the need for a pissing match between the differing genders over this.

What's the big deal, guys, in just putting the damn seat down after doing our stand-up business? My wife and daughters appreciate when I do so. I love my wife and daughters. So I do it. And if I forget, and they complain (which they almost never do), I just smile, apologize, and promise to do my best in the future. I figure why sweat the insignificant stuff. It's just not worth it.

Posted by: Huck at June 25, 2011 5:27 PM

I'm not married, so I used to always leave the toilet open. That changed when I adopted two kittens. I was actually more afraid of them accidentally falling in and drowning than drinking out of it. They're adults now, but I've been leaving the lid down ever since.

And since I'm a bit lax about housecleaning, it's less unsightly that way.

Posted by: rickl at June 25, 2011 5:34 PM

In my (lifelong bachelor's) house, I keep the toilet lid down for the aforementioned reason of keeping the cats out. One in particular, the Maine Coon, is large enough to get a drink from it, even if just the seat is down, while keeping his back paws on the floor.

Posted by: waltj at June 25, 2011 7:39 PM

I don't know why this is an issue. Lid down. No microdroplets coating the inside of the bathroom (ew), no things dropping in the toilet that have to be fished out (ew), no pets drinking out of the toilet, and—you might like this one—no looking at the toilet and wondering if it's really time to clean the damned thing.

Seriously, there's a lid there for a reason.

Posted by: B. Durbin at June 25, 2011 9:21 PM


Posted by: Eva at June 26, 2011 10:22 AM

Somebody has plagiarized an episode of Curb your Enthusiasm here. We just got that episode tonight.
Where's the snuffling dog part and the weatherman on the golf course?

Posted by: Frank P at June 26, 2011 3:00 PM

Seat is left where the seat is left in my house. Up, down, lid closed. Somehow both me and my son have the sense to check before we use it, and one stone cold look and the blunt question, "So you're saying your not intelligent enough to check the seat before you sit? And what if the lid is down? Do you just cut loose all over that?" ended that baloney the first and last time it got brought up.

Problem solved. It's almost as stupid as the "toilet paper over or under" drama. I have real problems in my life, and not checking where you are going to sit before you sit doesn't even hit my radar. Talk to the wall. I ain't having it.

Posted by: Pete J at June 26, 2011 8:45 PM

What I can't work out is the female complaint that if its open they sit down and get their hind end wet and cold in the middle of the night.

So... when the lid is down you just sit down and cut loose on top of the thing? Clearly you're looking and aware at some level, as Pete J says.

I don't really care much, I learned to keep the lid closed for the same reason PA Cat says above: to stop pets from drinking out of it.

But really, any woman who gets worked up about this, cut back on the caffeine eh? You're irrational.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at May 30, 2015 9:15 AM

Seat up looks gross and the dogs and cats will get in there and drink and play. Best if everyone puts it down after use. Fair enough?

Posted by: RigelDog at May 30, 2015 9:23 AM

If Men Can Put It Up Bitches Can Put It Down

Simply stated at our house: Two butts have to sit, only one penis has to stand, majority rule. Besides, we automatically close the lid when finished to keep the dog out of the bowl. Now, which way the toilet paper should roll is still a personal choice.

Posted by: Annette at May 30, 2015 11:32 AM

Meh...six of one, half dozen of the other. I'd be happy if they had a big enough bowl so they'd not overflow when the kitty gets stuck in it. How difficult could that be to design?

Posted by: Halbert at May 30, 2015 12:46 PM

Jesus, put the fuckin lid down, it's (often) disgusting - and what is seen cannot be unseen. I don't need the vision of a filthy toilet rattling around my brain.

One of the big reasons I got myself together to be able to afford an apartment is that I enjoy the luxury of not having to use a public toilet. And it never made my dick feel bigger to leave a mess behind.

Posted by: Rob De Witt at May 30, 2015 1:47 PM

Hahahahahaaaaaaaa! I yell when the lid is down! First night after taking possession of the house, I was first to go to bed. Then hubby used the toilet on his way to bed. Apparently I had put the lid down, so he came to the bedroom and asked if I'd just washed the toilet seat, b/c it was all wet. Turns out, the water in the tank was HOT! What?!

With well water, the builder supplied the toilets with both hot AND cold water to prevent sweating toilet tanks. The mix erred in favor of the hot water supply. Hubby is trying to make adjustments but there seems to be a clog on the cold water side.

So the rule here is to leave the lids UP or you lift the lid to a thoroughly wet seat. Though I suspect after the mix gets fixed, we'll miss our sitz baths. :)

39 yrs ago we had that toilet seat talk, and he looked puzzled and asked, you mean I have to put the seat up ... AND down?? 'Splained that way, I immediately saw the wisdom and justice in dropping that issue forevermore.

LOVED the photo!

Posted by: Frankie at May 30, 2015 2:12 PM

When I gotta poop,
I prefer to sit
on the edge of the porcelain
anyway...better spread of the cheeks.
Thought you oughta know.
That seat wouldn't bother me.

Posted by: Kauf Buch at May 30, 2015 3:55 PM

why don't YOU learn to put the seat UP after YOU'RE done?!?

Posted by: Kauf Buch at May 30, 2015 4:32 PM

well I had a cat, CatMan was his name, he actually used the toilet for what it was designed for. Figured it out all by himself too

Posted by: Dave Emminger at May 30, 2015 4:34 PM

Reminds me of some sage advice someone passed on to me decades ago about using public facilities:

1. Always put the seat back up after you're done peeing on it.

2. Always flush with your feet.

Carry on.

Posted by: Bunk Strutts at May 30, 2015 7:07 PM


Fat chance. And unlike some, I keep the seat up so the cats can drink the water they like. Heck, they will preferentially drink water running down the side of the road. I sometimes wonder what I am missing...

Posted by: chuck at May 30, 2015 7:14 PM


A party is in full swing. Desperate for a pee, a man goes up to the host and asks the whereabouts of the “smallest room".

The host is nonplussed.

The man continues with every possible euphemism: “little boy's room" - "privy" - "bog" - "john" - "jakes" - "loo" - "facility" – “rest room" – “comfort¬ station???”.

The host is still baffled.

The man finally blurts, “Look you stupid bastard, I'm bursting for a piss!”

“Ah,” says the host, “you want the Doughnut in Granny's Greenhouse".

Posted by: chasmatic at May 30, 2015 10:48 PM

If you shut the damn thing, seat and lid down so it looks tidy, then everyone has to do something to use it!
BTW, most of the people I have known who clean for a living, say that the lady's room is almost always much cleaner than the men's room. Men do incredible things in restrooms. First and foremost being the approximate aim.......

Posted by: pbird at May 31, 2015 7:02 AM

Put in a urinal and the issue is moot, and everybody is happier, less spousal abuse, more sex, marriages last longer, win-win-win.

Not the wall hung kind, the one that goes all the way down to the floor.

Boat rocking leads to capsizing.

Posted by: ghostsniper at May 31, 2015 9:46 AM


"All odor is particulate."

That's right, you manly bastards, you're breathing that stink. That's why toilets have lids. Duh.

Posted by: Rob De Witt at May 31, 2015 2:39 PM

Never had trouble with teh kittehs drinking out of the toilet or falling into it. I just tell them that the white porcelain object in the bathroom is a litter box for humans-- they always "get it."

Posted by: PA Cat at May 31, 2015 4:50 PM

I am amazed at all this time spent on a non-problem.
Maybe it serves as comic relief from some real issues.
I'm half-dead with cancer, my wife is in and out of the fog of dementia.
The dollar is tanking.
Obama and Hilary both want to be Queen for Life.
They're still cutting peoples' heads off in other parts of the world.
Iran is going nuke.
The rebel patriot bikers are holding non-events.

Shrug, maybe I've been focusing on the wrong things.
the Nigger Thugs are forming Riots-R-Us (with fed subsidy natch).

Posted by: chasmatic at June 1, 2015 5:37 AM

My daughter was actually angry and shouting last week because my sons "keep leaving the toilet seat up!!!!" I, because I'm a bad person, started laughing at both her and my wife. "Hey girls, the toilet seat goes up AND down. Learn to work it."

Needless to say, this did not alleviate any of the anger, but it did make me laugh, which I counted as a win. Oh, and when they continued to press the point, I said that I and the other boys would stop putting the seat up when we pee. Everyone wins, right? Except for those who then sit on the urine speckled toilet seats. I will say that I didn't realize the human face could actually achieve that shade of red.

Posted by: physics geek at June 1, 2015 7:14 AM

What a mean, mysoginistic post and image. AND NO TRIGGER WARNINGS!

Just for that I will fluidly change my gender and spend the next year carrying around a toilet with the seat up just to make my point.

Posted by: Don Rodrigo at June 1, 2015 8:31 AM

Don: I was getting to the point where I suggest that we do away with toilet seats altogether.
No seats, no lids, remove 'em all. Just a big porcelain rim that serves all purposes.
No up, no down, no seat. Men, women, cats (ugh) and anything else that happens along will not be faced with a dilemma and traumatic reactions that get to misogyny and whatever it is that they call when women hate men.

Let's diffuse the ticking time bomb of tension.
Like, toilet seats? Really?

Posted by: chasmatic at June 1, 2015 11:50 PM

I am married and have three girls. Still, the rule in our house is simple: adjust the toilet to your needs. This is something that the wife and I agreed on shortly after marriage, and carried on after having children.

The men my girls eventually marry will not have to put up with a bunch of crap from them about the toilet seat. I accept their thanks in advance HA!

I will lift the seat if it is down, they will lower the seat if it is up. End of story. If they want it any different, I will gladly leave the seat down regardless of how wet it gets...

Posted by: JustMike at June 2, 2015 2:50 PM