You're in recovery from a Turkey coma and don't really feel like relaxing with a small shooting spree down at the mall. Still, you want to do your duty as an omniconsuming American, and give your vote of consumer confidence to the economy by buying a lot of useless shit between now and 9 PM on December 24th.
Well, American Digest is here for you. In a brave new partnership with Harriet Carter (That capitalist Carter sister Jimmy never talks about.) we've made a special selection of "must-have" items for everyone on your Christmas Hanukkah Kwanzaa Wiccan shopping list.
Enter the promo code: "Gerard" for an extra 30% off and free shipping. Now get clicking for a black Christmas!
CHRISTMAS WAR ARMORED VEHICLE
Now you don't have to take the pagan moonbats' efforts to take Christ out of Christmas lying down. This full-metal Rudolph kit will have your ride rough and ready in no time. The plush "antlers" look harmless but they're attached to an Area-51 Bush Ray Generator which detects any Moonbat brains within a radius of 5 miles. Upon detection, small titanium homing chips swarm out of your grill and implant themselves in the back of the moonbat's neck. Once these chips are initiated the moonbat is brought firmly under the control of the Dick Cheney Strategic Control center in Iron Mountain. A switch is thrown and the robo-moonbat begins to repeat "Christ is my personal savior," and registers as a Republican saying, "Anyone but the monster queen."
The 7" diameter "nose" will sniff out any ACLU office in a 50 mile radius and drive the entire vehicle into the building at a high speed detonating the 300 pounds of plastique in the trunk. Hidden speakers play "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" at a high volume during the last half-mile of the approach. Attaches in seconds without tools; won't mar surfaces.
ECOBRICKS -- Get Green This Yule
Give that unemployed green boyfriend of your son something to do while he's waiting for global warming to flood San Francisco up the base of Coit tower. Take all those back numbers of the New York Times, the Washington Post, the Los Angeles Times, and the San Francisco Chronicle he's been wrapping himself in for the last twenty years and turn them into something useful -- EcoBricks!
Yes, with enough dead newspapers even the whussiest of men can make enough paper bricks in the next 10 years to build a wall around San Francisco high enough to thwart rising sea levels. In a pinch, extra bricks can have a 1.5 inch diameter hole drilled in them, packed with lubricant, and used as a sex aid to while away the lonely hours waiting for the end of the world.
MENAGE A TROIS XMAS KIT. Just add you.
And speaking of holiday sex!.... Things can get mighty lonely for singles during the holidays, but now you don't need to wait for Santa to come down the chimney by yourself any longer. Just order up this attractive and over-18 bisexual couple for all your night-before-Christmas snuggling needs. Certified as omnisexually compatible by the LGTGB What's Your Gender Labs, this couple is neither too thin nor too fat nor too gay nor too straight, but just right. If you happen to still be married, imagine the delighted cries of your spouse when he or she or it finds these two hotties under the tree! Certified HIV and STD free by the Let's-Play-Doctor Free Clinic of San Francisco. Comes with a starter kit of 100 full body condoms. Mounting screws included.
WHACK-A-MOONBAT! Ninja Toe Nucks for Ending Pesky Political Debates
Neither Moonbats nor Wingnuts will see these five points coming. Remember, in today's contentious political atmosphere the first one to get the boot in wins. Just slip these blue-steel toe nucks over your fresh pedicure and wade into those Iowa caucuses with confidence. Remember, a swift kick in the groin always trumps a "Bush lied!" Every time. One taste of these toe nucks and they'll vote your way faster than a board member of MoveOn.org will give oral sex to George Soros. Satisfaction guaranteed.
ANSWERS R' US -- Your Personal Greek Oracle
Tired of figuring it all out by your lonesome with only a thin glaze of moral relativism to guide you? Afraid that by accepting Jesus as your personal answer man your comsymp liberal friends will shun you like sailors shun chancres? Not into accepting Hillary Clinton as your personal savior because, well, the idea of listening to that voice and laugh for eight years fills you with more fear and loathing than Hunter Thompson on the third day of a glue sniffing jag? Get the real word from the original source with this updated Ionic Oracle. Yes, just a few whiffs of our patented morphine base fumes and you'll not only know the mystic answers that got the Greeks' attention, you won't care that they all boil down to murder, insanity, and death with JUJU coming first.
THE "I'M NOT IN LOVE" NIPPLE MUFFS
Winter means "Burrrrrrrrr, baby it's cold outside!" Women who've stepped outside, even to let in the cat or recharge the solar-powered dildo, know how embarrassing it can be to have those pop-outs pop out when you're not even thinking about doing the male, female, melon, or family pet in your life. Avoid those at home Holiday misunderstandings by making the application of these muffs part of your morning grooming ritual. Stress tested in the winter White House by Hillary Clinton during those extra frosty months of 1998-2000.
CANADA GREEN BONG STUFFER Rare Canadian Marijuana (It's Sorta Legal There So Grow It Here and Save!)
Why spend your weekends wandering around the shady parts of town tying to sniff out a connection only to end up Monday morning face down in an alley with your clothes gone and a bag of oregano taped over your private parts? Now you can grow your own fine Vancouver herb in the closet of your kid's room or in your neighbor's back yard with this primo Canada Green seed. We ship it into the country from some of the finest hydroponic basements in Alberta labeled "grass" seed. Get it? "Grass" seed. They'll never think to look down in the toe of the Christmas Stockings we ship it in (Hint: It's under the orange, stoner.). Just pop a few in those grow pellets and turn on the love light baby. In six weeks you won't care that this country actually lets Dennis Kucinich and Ron Paul run for President instead of institutionalizing them. Hey, smoke 'em if you got 'em.
SALOME'S SEVERED HUSBAND'S HEAD SERVING TRAY
He wasn't expecting this when he told you to "carve that damn turkey yourself and let me watch the game." Now you've got the head nicely separated from the body, and most of the rest of that fat bastard run through the wood-chipper in the back yard out by the lake. The question now is how do you brag on this to the other wives in Stepford? Our patented refrigerated Head tray with the liquid nitrogen filled spike is the answer. It holds your hubby-head upright with the last smarmy smile of that rat bastard frozen in place. You'll even be able to give him that haircut your were begging him to get for the last six weeks. Your friends will be amazed. "How lifelike. How natural," they will say. "Can we borrow him overnight to adjust our husbands' attitudes?" they will ask. Just hand them the carving knife and the Harriet Carter catalog and say, "Ladies, do it yourself."
SURVIVAL TABLE -- Safe Dining for One Child Families
You've played it safe, piled up the dough, bought the house by the lake, time-leased the condo in Aspen, and waited until in-vitreo fertilization was the only option. You've spent about $150,000 to get a viable embryo and another 50 large for the rent-a-womb healthy Hispanic illegal girl to bring your bundle of joy to term. And you're still not married. Now you' ve got one shot and one shot only at sending your weird genes down the ages. Do you really want to risk it all, not to mention the 90 minutes of "quality time" you get to spend with your viable zygote during those at-home weekends when you are not answering "Urgent" email, on a simple life threatening fall from the family dining table? We think not. With our "Table-Mate® 4 Kid" your little bundle of joy can never fall from an adult height chhair and crush their bones to pulp and a cardiac arrest stops their little pump before 911 can get a crash cart to your dining room. (And who needs CSI poking around after? Nobody!) Our patented safe-kid plunge height means that the worst that can happen is a small brain aneurysm that leaves your kid more tractable than a snootful of Ritalin. Crash helmet, foam fork and emergency tracheotomy kit extra.
PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE POSITION BRIEFS LOCATOR: The Whitey Tighty Farting Keychain
Do those Presidential Debates leave you wanting more? More detail? More sincerity? More LSD in the water jugs in front of them? A hole drilled into your temple? Now you can find your Presidential Candidate's position on any issue in the dark with no guesswork. All you've got to do is activate the Whitey Tighty farting briefs keychain. Then just squeeze off a Wolf Blitzer or phony audience member question and let the candidate's answer rip! How refreshingly truthful! A position-clarifying gift no Presidential candidate can resist. Approximately 3" plus key chain. Comes with batteries. Works for either Republican or Democrat candidates. Donate a passel of these puppies to the Presidential campaign of your choice. Specify Donkey or Elephant label. Tax deductible.
SHOW YOU CARE! Remember Lewis Deerfield
And who doesn't? Join the millions of Americans coast to coast who've gone beyond colored wrist bands for whole groups of the variously afflicted and get personal. Yes, instead of those countless bumper-stickers on your Prius that all boil down to "Driven by a very good person," this front lawn memorial for Lewis Deerfield says it all. Sculpted cross with embossed saying, "1940-2006 Lewis Deerfield Forever In Our Hearts" , expresses enduring love for the now departed Lewis Deerfield. Stone-like resin will withstand outdoor conditions. Should anyone actually ring your doorbell and ask, "Who the hell is Lewis Deerfield" slip them a copy of "Atlas Shrugged" and ask "Who is John Galt?" Available in a non-denominational cross.
Are you sure you got the right product description up for the "Ionic Whisper?" Because it looks an awful lot like the solar powered dildo you mentioned in the next slot...
Seriously, though - it's not nice to make people laugh that much when they're sitting around in a near turkey coma.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Posted by: Juliec at November 22, 2007 8:21 PMI detect just the pale sandy whisper of cynicism...
Right on.
Posted by: TmjUtah at November 23, 2007 7:45 AMJust splendid, Gerard. Merci.
Posted by: AskMom at November 23, 2007 5:10 PM"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated to combat spam and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.