February 2, 2007

How to Use a Surge Protector


Whether you paid $500,000 or $5,000,000,000, or $50 for your jihad, you will want to protect it from harm. Military power surges ruin jihadists each and every day and signs of surges are starting to appear in the Anbar and the Diyala regions of Iraq.

But military surges can occur anywhere in the world. When such a surge strikes, it can have devastating effects on jihadists unprotected by a surge protector. It is not enough to say "Surge Happens," you have to be proactive in securing protection.

When Hellfire Surges Strike

A bilingual Jihadist, if he is very quick, will be able to identify the first sign of a local power surge. It will be an American-made Hellfire missile with the slogan on the nose that reads, "I got your Global Warming right HERE!" This is the first sign of real trouble at home, but you can deal with it.

First, get over your normal human fear of the ambient temperature in your rec room rising from 99 degrees to 5,232 degrees in three seconds. Sunscreen with the number 2,222 on the label is helpful here. Fear of such surges is a normal reaction to a Hellfire missile coming in through your bathroom window uninvited.

Second, and this is something you can do in advance, make sure your smoke-detectors have fresh batteries.

Third, consider an extended vacation in Davos disguised as an Icelandic man-whore or US Senator or both.

Fourth, look for a technological solution to power surges. This is the usually the best path. It costs more, but it does more.

Fifth, discover "the value of not being seen."

"Yes, Efendi, I am wearing my surge protector."

Here, as in so many other things, America will supply your solution as well as your problem. A company called APD (American Power Diversion), which specializes in surge protection components, uses a bolt of lightning in its ads. Under the lightning, the caption reads: "It's not if ... it's when." Learn it. Live it. We do.

As American Globalists, American One-Worlders, American America-haters, and most Americans driving a Prius or a recumbent bicycle will be glad to tell you for about fifteen days non-stop, American power is the only problem on the planet.

Yes, American power strikes somewhere on the surface of the earth about 100 times every second. This is heating things up. If it is bad it is the fault of America. If it is good, Al Gore did it. It is just that simple.

A UN study estimates that at any given moment nearly 2,000 American military raids targeting women, children, toy poodles, and men in panty-hose are in progress over the earth's surface.

Domestically, there are -- according to Ted Kennedy -- at least 100,000 secret raids by the Feds a year across the United States, with special attention to New Orleans ever since Karl Rove was rolled by a bearded transsexual during Mardi-Gras 2004. People will recall the "storm" surge of the following year that was sent out by the Bush Weather Control Module parked in orbit just behind the dark side of the moon.

Yes, as we saw with Katrina, the Bush-Rove-Cheney Death Star can -- at will -- send a spectacular power surge along any conductive ley line on Earth destroying everything in its path except Hillary Clinton (who never steps out of the bath without strapping on "Steely Dan," her cast-iron surge protector).

Where Iranian jihadists are concerned the most likely scenario at the moment is not a direct strike, but rather, a nearby strike. Military power under the current ROE usually strikes a close neighbor state. But if the surge is powerful enough, or more of your soldiers are found in Iraq pretending to be "diplomats," it can travel almost instantaneously through air and sea vectors into your towns and cities with the military force equivalent of a tidal wave. Something not normally planned for in the desert regions.

The Path of Surge Protection

The way to protect yourself from American power surges is simply to use a good surge protector. These are not hard to find. We note that John Kerry is currently underemployed and, on those rare moments when his wife is sober and not ragging his ass about 2004, is willing to assume the position and be used in this role.

Kerry alone may not be enough. You might have to enlist his entire political cohort or at least the Speaker of the House if she is not off on a junket to American Samoa.

Don't be confused. A power senator, which is a simple strip of outlets for rent, is not necessarily a surge protector. A real surge protector may look like a power strip, but it has built-in protection against power surges in that it can actually cut off the money that makes the power surge possible. You will find all of the information that you need printed on the surge protector's box.

A good surge protector should offer four features:

1. The surge protector should cover air strikes. Some do not.
2. The surge protector should offer compensation to your heirs and assigns to cover the loss of jihadists who suffer from premature detonation and get caught in the "No Infidel, No Allah" loophole.
3. If you have a regular jihadist, get a surge protector with an R-11 telephone jack where you can hook up your jihadist to a high-tension telephone line for "beat-the-news-cycle" interrogation in this post Abu Ghraib world.
4. A speed-dial cellular connection to the editorial board of the New York Times so that any complaints about the inhuman conditions of your Jihad can be relayed to America to make it feel bad about limiting your freedom to Jihad at will. Be sure to include a note about your minority status and the phrase, "This surge is crushing my right to dissent." The Times loves that stuff.

Installing your Surge Protector

Installing your surge protector is especially easy if it comes in the box marked "Congressperson Sympathetic to Your Need to Kill His or Her Constituents at the Command of Allah." When you get your surge protector home, plug your congressperson into Saudi oil money at one end, and into your Jihad on the other.

If you cannot afford an American congressperson, go for a CNN reporter or New York Times columnist who work much cheaper, often for free or for some exclusive footage prepared by the Al Queda propaganda ministry.

The important thing in both these cases is to make sure you insert your plug forcefully and deeply into the labeled receptacles of your American congressperson or media representative. It might seem tight but resist the urge to lubricate. You will undercut their "connectivity."

Do not reverse their polarity and always make sure to underscore how unfair it is that an American power surge is being used against you. Remember that, no matter what you may think the Congressperson is saying in public, at the end of the day they too are from the American government and are only here to help you. Count on it.

Rest assured that if you can hook them up right and feed them lots of money in the dark, they will do everything they can to protect you from power surges and make sure your Jihad is clean, smooth-running, and sanitary. Remember that it has been shown again and again that, with the right sums of money in play, an American congressperson of either party, will let your "cause" use them like a hand-puppet. For even more money, they will even let you slit their throat right after the next election.

For many, surge protection begins at home, but for the smart Jihadist, surge protection begins with numbered bank accounts in the Bahamas.

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Posted by Vanderleun at February 2, 2007 7:58 AM | TrackBack
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

This is brilliant. Your satire is always excellent, but this is one of your best.

Posted by: Bill at February 6, 2007 6:27 AM
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated to combat spam and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

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