January 30, 2006

"The North West Washington Barbies are FINALLY Available!"


DO YOU RECOGNIZE any of these little dolls?

Laurelhurst Barbie: Available with a Volvo XC70, a Kate Spade handbag and Nike Sweatsuit. Her ponytail is pulled through the back of her baseball hat. She is very active on Juniors PTA and is fierce at school fund-raising auctions. Beware, you do not want to bid against her!

Comes with Double-tall soy latte with a splash of hazelnut, Xanax and Patagonia foul-weather gear. Optional accessories include either a black or yellow lab with tennis ball chucker.

Available at University Village.

Seattle Barbie: This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with a Mercedes 4WD SUV, a Prada handbag and matching Nike Yoga ensemble. She has a masters degree and double-majored, but has the luxury of being a stay-at-home mom with Ken's generous salary.

Comes with Percocet prescription and Botox. Starbucks mug and traffic-jamming Blackberry internet/cell phone device sold separately. Husband Ken is into fishing, golfing, baseball and is often "working" late.

Available at all Seattle-area Starbucks retailers.

Bellevue Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at Nordstrom. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, your choice of a BMW convertible or Hummer H2 and a longhaired foreign lapdog named "Honey". Available with or without tummy tuck, facelift, and breast augmentation

Also available is her cookie-cutter development dream house.

Workaholic, cheating husband, Ken, comes with a Porsche.

Tacoma Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, switchblade, '78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. Available only after dark this model can only be purchased with cash - preferably small bills, unless you're a cop, then we don't know what you're talking about.

Boyfriend Ken is in jail.

Available at many pawn shops.

Everett Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie comes with a pair of high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer Gut Ken out of Monroe Barbie's trailer. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip gloss and a see-through halter top.

Purchase her Mustang convertible separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

Boyfriend Ken is in treatment.

Available at Army Navy Surplus.

Monroe Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans 2 sizes too small, steel-toed cowboy boots, a classic Metallica 'T' shirt and a Tweedy Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has fake fingernails, a six pack of Budweiser, and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set.

She can spit over a distance of 6 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk.

Also available is the gold-toned cubic zirconium ring that Ken gave her after another one of his "episodes" with his boss's daughter.

Comes with Barbie's Dream Double Wide Trailer.

Available at Fred Meyer.

Sultan Barbie: Pregnant at purchase, this Barbie comes with a stroller and bus pass. Also included is a G.E.D. and a completely filled out PFD form.

Construction worker Ken and his '82 Caddy are optional.

Available at Red Apple.

Bellingham Barbie: This Barbie is made out of recycled plastic and tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no make-up, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She does not want, or need, a Ken doll.

If you purchase the optional Subaru wagon, you will receive a free rainbow flag sticker.

Available at REI.

Olympia Barbie: This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or removing snap on parts. Walks to work. Likes to "experiment", but will never commit.

This model is being phased out and is only available from the manufacturer.

Which one are you?

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Posted by Vanderleun at January 30, 2006 12:05 AM | TrackBack
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

Slim pickings up there, eh?

Posted by: MarkH at March 30, 2006 12:48 AM

Excellent! Has Al Franken's Me decade been replaced by the Meth decade? Can you add a Bremerton Barbie aka "Bremalo?"

Posted by: Stephen B at March 30, 2006 9:07 AM

For details on Bremerton Barbie, see the MXPX song "Move to Bremerton."

Soon to come: Poulsbo Barbie, Edmonds Barbie, Spanaway Barbie, Isaaquah Highlands Barbie and the never-to-be-forgotten Sea-Tac Drive Through Barbie, with accessories for both evenings at the movies and Saturday mornings at the flea market, and everything in between :)

Posted by: AskMom at March 30, 2006 1:31 PM

Downright prescient for the Bellingham Barbie.

Today's Bellingham Herald had a story on the ubiquitous Subaru.


Posted by: Dave Halliday at April 2, 2006 2:36 PM

Why is there no Renton Barbie??

Posted by: Nicole at April 6, 2006 10:11 AM

Capitol Hill Barbie: "This fabulous, vivid Barbie has an extra surprise ordinarily found on Billy dolls, but she has a reduced-scale version. Wears Barbiewear 1986 couture from the ill-conceived Barbie Plus™ series (which was supposed to make all girls feel good about their bodies, until widespread ridicule from classmates about having one provoked sales to plummet). Comes with a couple of prescription bottles, Barbieblend play makeup, neck enchancements (also ordinarily found on Billy or Ken), a pink Miata, a bag of Dick's, two certificates signed by Dr. Ken and Dr. Prestochangeo, and an advanced hairline. Has enhanced bluish hue to the lower face, and comes with white heels, black heels, and red heels -- all stiletto."

Posted by: Confused by the Sights on B'Way at April 16, 2006 1:43 PM

HAHAh i love this.. you know why.. ive been fighting with this girl who actually thinks shes barbie and ive been trying to tell her that barbies a B&^%#$ and see well she thinks shes perfect and because i made a lil mistake im not barbie anymore so i really get a kick outta this.. but im waiting for the lynnwood or mountlake terrace barbie so i can send it to her.. hahah

Posted by: Amanda at May 19, 2006 9:12 PM

Then there is the Gig Harbor Barbie. Comes complete with a White Escalade, size 0 pink jogging suit, and Golden Retriever. 2.5 perfect children under the age of 8 are sold separately. Gig Harbor Barbie's accessories include a mega church, boat, and photo of Bellevue Barbie mounted on a dart board. Available at Tides Tavern, the only establishment that stays open past 8pm in Gig Harbor.

Posted by: Diana at December 28, 2006 10:43 AM

How about Portland, OR Barbie. Comes with bicycle, bus pass, protest sign, tattoos, piercings and civil union certificate. Un shaved legs are optional. Best Friend Stacy easily switched to new friend Stan. Available at Saturday Market. Coming soon...Burnside Bridge Barbie (complete with Burnside Winnebego (shopping cart) and aluminum cans).

Posted by: Lisa at February 4, 2007 12:54 PM

Thats an ugly barbie
lol it really is !!!..............

Posted by: pease at February 7, 2007 12:19 PM
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