March 2, 2006

Bitches and Pimps to Join Hos and Dicks at the Oscars

YES, THIS YEAR'S OSCARS continue their transformation into the nation's most over-hyped fornication festival. The only suspense to be found in this struggling ritual will be whether or not transparent codpieces will be on display during the endless pre-show preening. But just in case you were distressed that bitches would not be included with all the hos, rest assured they will be represented. Hollywood is nothing if not multi-cultural.

Oscars viewers to hear word "bitches" in song

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - There will be no F-word but the word "bitches" will be heard during the first-ever rap performance at the Academy Awards on Sunday.

At the request of the Academy and ABC, which is broadcasting the Oscars show, the authors of best song nominee "It's Hard Out There for a Pimp" from the film "Hustle & Flow" have substituted less offensive words for the song's profanity-laced lyrics.

"As long as the Academy approves it, it's cool," said rapper Jordan "Juicy J" Houston, a member of Three 6 Mafia, which wrote the song for the film and will be performing it.

But he said he was told by actress Taraji P. Henson, who performed the song in the film, and will sing onstage with Three 6 Mafia, that the show's producers were letting her keep the word "bitches," in the chorus. "Taraji said the Academy told her she can say 'bitches,"' said Houston....

Aaron Rosenberg, lawyer for Three 6 Mafia, said it was a milestone for the Academy to recognize hip-hop's influence on American culture and the group is extremely sensitive to decency concerns after the baring of Janet Jackson's breast during the 2004 Super Bowl halftime show.

"They worked hard to clean it up as much as possible without compromising their artistic integrity," he said.

That's comforting. After all, where would our culture's largest annual display of Bitches, Pimps, Hos and Dicks be without their "uncompromising artistic integrity?"

This year, more than ever, the Academy will bend over backwards.

UPDATE: Welcome Wolcott Moonies! Please make sure you are wearing your surge protector before you start batting about. Isn't it a shame that the unfortunate Wolcott chooses not to enable comments so he can collect the measured disagreement you bring to this page on his. Ah well, one hopes for worthy opponents on the web but then one must settle for a Wolcott.
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Posted by Vanderleun at March 2, 2006 11:28 AM | TrackBack
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

Don't you mean bend forward? Over a desk...Wearing fishnet nylons and getting spanked with a spatula?

Posted by: Jeremiah at March 2, 2006 2:36 PM

I think it's more like cowboy boots (or Wellies) and chaps, but forward, and over the producer's desk as mentioned in previous comment. I live here in soCal, and have been overwhelmed with Oscar hype. I've long since given up on finding it relavent, interesting, or even entertaining.

Posted by: Stephen Barron at March 2, 2006 6:46 PM

My wife, for one, would welcome transparent codpieces.

Hell, I think they should do the entire show in the nude.

Posted by: Eric Blair at March 3, 2006 5:02 AM

They've still got a long way to go to match 1976 when they nominated a Satanic Mass (Jerry Goldsmith's "Ave Satani" from "The Omen") as Best Song.

I love Goldsmith's work as much as anyone, but _best song_?

Posted by: Umbriel at March 3, 2006 6:43 AM

Does anyone here even watch the Academy Awards? Out of anything more than morbid curiosity?

Posted by: Stephen B at March 3, 2006 7:38 AM

I watched the 1997 Oscars because I'm a James Cameron fan, and I knew that "Titanic" was going to sweep the awards. That was the last time.

Posted by: Pat B at March 3, 2006 9:53 AM

Kimberley A. Strassel over at the WSJ nails down yet another aspect of Hollywood running off the rails: Where have all the hunks gone?

Just go read it.

Posted by: AskMom at March 3, 2006 10:30 AM

Poor baby. Because you're FORCED to watch the Oscars, right? There's no way to shut your television off or to tune in to a different show.

It must suck so much ass to be a conservative.

Posted by: Adm. Poindexter's suicide attempt at March 3, 2006 10:45 AM

Fornication festival?

stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

I guess that only applies to comments and not to the posts themselves?

Posted by: salvage at March 3, 2006 10:54 AM

Tedious and uninteresting, sort of like most of the movies and their casts. I wonder what happens at home when the monsters use that language while their mothers are present? Makes me wish that I had a teevee with a red button marked "vaporize" on it.

Posted by: miggle's ghost at March 3, 2006 11:44 AM

Larry McMurtry is this country's greatest novelist. He is also responsible for numerous great and some would argue family-friendly movies (Terms of Endearment, Lonesome Dove). Any project written by McMurtry is going to be at least very good. So dismissing that film out of hand merely points out your homophobia, doesn't it? I remember when men weren't so scared of their own inadequacies, but the inability of the modern male (20-40s) to handle their sexuality is pretty depressing. These comments just back that up.

Posted by: Gary Adkins at March 3, 2006 12:20 PM

Ah, I see we have been invaded by the post-modern pecksniffs.

Whenever you folks get over the "Let me just whip out this 'homophobia' weapon" will be a bright new day for argument in this fair and favored land. But I don't think you'll be overjoyed to see it since it will make simple minds and their memorized bromides ever so much less interesting. Not that they are interesting not that they're into their third or fourth decade of decay.

I would submit, Mr. Adkins, that the vast majority of modern males (especially 20 to 40) are handling their sexuality quite well given all the flim-flam that gets bandied about.

As for Larry McMurtry being a "this country's greatest novelist," I'd say you are overstating the case by about 40 acres and a mule.

McMurty is a very good novelist. I enjoy his works immensely, especially the under-rated and brilliant Buffalo Girls. But "great" or "greatest" simply doesn't apply.

Thanks in part to the cultural pecksniffs and petrified academics and clueless publishers of the United States -- not to mention the vile writers' workshops -- we really don't do "great" novelists all that much. Only the bad, the adequate, and the passably good.

Posted by: Gerard Van Der Leun at March 3, 2006 2:17 PM

cultural pecksniffs?


Do you talk like that in real life?

I'm thinking high school… probably not a lot of happy memories there if you did.

P.S. "handling their sexuality quite well given all the flim-flam that gets bandied about." may very well be the gayest thing I've ever read on the Internet and I've been to

Posted by: salvage at March 3, 2006 2:40 PM

I think it's time we started up a Children's Anti-Sex League! Free sexual expression is clearly the first step towards complete social collapse! How is wealth going to stay safely with the rich if they're bumpin' and grindin' with the poor?

Posted by: Emma at March 3, 2006 3:10 PM

Ah, they just don't make 'em like The Sound of Music anymore, do they, Ger?

Except Titanic, I guess, as one of your non-pecksniff commentors so brilliantly observed.

Anyway, a Penthouse editor complaining about cultural coarsening is a little offputting, so I shan't darken your door further.

Posted by: nate-dogg at March 3, 2006 3:12 PM

You seem to be under the impression I am currently an editor for Penthouse. I assure you I am not. But it is nice that you have retained that quaint factoid.

Dear Salvage,
I am sure you have.

Posted by: Gerard Van Der Leun at March 3, 2006 3:13 PM

Attention: Pecksniffians . Learn it and quit being it.

Posted by: Gerard Van Der Leun at March 3, 2006 3:18 PM

Fornication festival? If only.

Posted by: nobody at March 3, 2006 3:31 PM

Does anybody even watch anything beyond the opening montage anymore? I know I don't. Pecksniffs, lol. What a great word of the day. I know of a few bulletin boards I'll be dropping that one at. :)

Posted by: JM at March 3, 2006 5:09 PM

Do not these Hollyweird types realize they are becoming more and more irrelevant each year? Just look at theater receipts - no one is going to the movies anymore. When trash from dolts like George Clooney is the best they can offer, I'd rather stay home and either read a good book or chase my wife around the house. There's an idea.

Posted by: Chester at March 3, 2006 5:18 PM

Wolcott is right, you are wrong.
Now drink your Kool-aid and shut up.
Be glad he linked to you.

Posted by: ccweasel at March 3, 2006 10:40 PM

Lemme see here, lining up all the branflakes that have fallen from the pockets of the Wolcottians:

Gerard is a wild-living leftover sixties libertine and a sexually repressed/inadequate/homophobic 30something with a Sound of Music fixation. He's an experienced media critic and former magazine editor who uses only VERY simple words when speaking. His brain was fried by drugs so it's unfair when he routinely eviserates his opponents.

His regular readers are elk-milking non-existent middle Americans, too stupid to set Twain aside and hail McMurtry as the ultimate American novelist. They can't work the "off" button of the tv remote although apparently Cheney programmed them to type up reactionary gay-bashing posts between bouts of bible thumping. Although so rare that their opinions are completely irrelevent, elkmilkers are withholding millions of dollars from hollywood and thus endangering the vital artist - butt boy - Jimmy Choo matrix.

Have I got that about right?

Can you believe this granola clump of gay troll rights jihadists? From behind closed comments they accuse others of being closed minded. Self-proclaimed defenders of diversity and free speech, they are aghast and appalled that anyone would dare post a view contrary to theirs. Failing rationality and reasonable arguments, "drink your kool-aid and shut up" is their final sniping salvo.

So far it's Gerard & the Elkmilkers 7, Pecksniffs 0. See you at the grudge rematch Monday morning.

Posted by: AskMom at March 4, 2006 1:06 AM

Hypocritically benevolent; sanctimonious?

But culturally?

Can you expand on that because I'm looking at it and not seeing how it makes a lick of sense.

The Sound of Music sucked, if there are Nazis in a movie someone better be shooting them if you want my thumb up.

VonTrapp should have punk slapped Rolph at the very least.

Now Downfall, two hours of Nazis killing themselves and their children, that's a movie I can dig.

Posted by: salvage at March 4, 2006 4:52 AM

"...collect the measured disagreement that you bring to this page on his"? Man, do you always write like that?

This is my first visit to your blog (what the hell is the "new America"?). If this entry is an example of you thinking you even come close to being a "worthy opponent" for Wolcott, then you don't read very well either. The guy's got it all over you in communication AND snark.

Posted by: Vicki at March 4, 2006 6:18 AM

I understand that since Munich, Syriana and Paradise Now all "glorify suicide bombers," if Spielberg or Clooney win all of us liberals are supposed to celebrate by joining the jihad in Iraq.

Posted by: The Liberal Avenger at March 4, 2006 6:25 AM

Fornication festival? Hey, as long I don't have to sit through another tribute to film editing scored to Riverdance, I'm cool.

Posted by: zen_less at March 4, 2006 8:51 AM

Nothing like reading the bitter ravings of talentless gun owning crackers. You guys are funny! And you should be glad wolcott linked, now you might actually get 20 hits a day! Hooray!

[Translation: [There is] nothing like reading the bitter ravings of [gun-owning] crackers. You guys [read "men and women"] are funny! [10 points deducted for needless exclamation mark.] And you should be glad [that] [W]olcott linked [.] Now you might actually get 20 hits a day! [50 point penalty for second needless exclamation mark] Hooray! [100 points deducted for third needless exclamation point.] ]

Don't watch the Oscars, kids. Really. You can be more like them good pickin people in Kansas or some other jerkwater Amurica harrrt land town and shun them librul elites that don;t share you values.

[Translation: Don't watch the Oscars, kids [ladies and gentlemen]. Really. You can then emulate the good pickin [50 points off for failing to complete the gerund and 50 more points off for making no sense to begin with.] people in Kansas [,] or some other jerkwater Amurica [American] harrrt land [heartland] town [,] and shun them librul [those liberal] elites that don;t [don't] share you [your] values ]

It's funny to watch the nobodies sulk in their jealousies.

[Translation: It is amusing to watch the nobodies sulk in their jealousies [We leave it to our more educated readers to determine where and what sort of jealousy it would be that would enable sulking within it. Either way, our ernest scribbler here is not what you would call a shining example of our public school system. Then again, perhaps he is. ]

This translation of the commentary of the typical denizen of the lamentably shallow Wolcottian gene pool has been brought to you as a public service of American Digest

Posted by: Onward at March 4, 2006 12:24 PM

to apologize for the current infestation. It will, as all things must, pass.

Just be grateful that, since they come in on a link and leave in a 1968 Blue Huff, they are unlikely to infest the rest of the site.

Posted by: Gerard Van der Leun at March 4, 2006 5:58 PM

Ah well, one hopes for worthy opponents on the web but then one must settle for a Wolcott.

You should wish that you had 1/10th the intelligence, wit and writing skill of Wolcott.

Posted by: renato at March 5, 2006 8:00 PM

I do. I wish this all the time. Especially after a few pages of "The Catsitters" and a couple of paragraphs of some article ripping off the flimsy facade of the porn industry that simply drips with inside knowledge.

If only, I wish, I could have more cats and be more like the Upton Twain of Vanity Fair, but alas his knee pads are too big for me. I would get lost in just one of them.

Posted by: Gerard Van Der Leun at March 5, 2006 8:19 PM

It might do you some good to go see a pimp about a ho for your dick so you won't be such a bitch.

Posted by: dollyllama at March 5, 2006 9:37 PM

Oscar viewers hearing the word "bitches"? Kinda pales when we're in the midst of an all-out War on Christmas and holiday point of purchase displays, don't you think? Egads, man, this is war and wartime is chockablock with pin-ups and hos and penicillin, lewd and licentious behavior and no small amount of cussin'.

Nice logo, by the way. I think more flight attendants should blog.

Posted by: fouro at March 5, 2006 9:58 PM

Fornication festival?


Wow. Cool.

Posted by: RWNfromIdaho at March 6, 2006 12:16 AM

The Oscars...
Who really gives a fuck?!!

Posted by: Dman at March 6, 2006 3:25 AM

Wow, this site is great!

I didn't realize the writers for "The Colbert Report" had their own blog. Absolutely hysterical, and one of the finest pieces of parody I've seen in weeks. Keep up the great work, and you might even give "The Onion" a run for their money.

Posted by: Bombadil at March 6, 2006 6:36 AM

Wolcott Moonies? Moonies?

Why don't the Moonies own the Washington Times?

Hmm makes me wonder who the real Moonies are.

Posted by: Colorado Dave at March 6, 2006 6:41 AM

"Drink your Kool - Aid and shut up?"


Isn't it the republicans that are committing political suicide? Iraq, Domestic Spying, the Dubai Ports Deal and a Congress full of crooked liars equals RIP. Republicans In Purgatory. Swilling that Kool - Aid by the gallon. Gotta love it.

Posted by: BushHasDamnedUs at March 6, 2006 6:48 AM

Republicans control the House
Republicans control the Senate
Republicans control the Executive
and that's just on the Federal Level.

Perhaps the Dems should give up mixing up the Clinton Cocktail for 08 and have some of what the Republicans are having. Oh, wait, they are.

Posted by: Gerard Van der Leun at March 6, 2006 11:52 AM

I think you were wrong. I watched the Oscars, and I didn't see any fornication.

And I didn't hear anything about "bitches" either, but that's probably because I cannot, for the life of me, understand hip-hop lyrics.

Posted by: Cal Gal at March 6, 2006 2:44 PM

"Republicans control [x]" Indeed they do. And if I were you, I'd be smitten that they finally--finally!--get to live up to their baffling reputation as crusaders for results, ruthless exclusion and accountability. They've managed a spectacular flameout of hubris and myopia in 10 years of congressional control, speedy quick, a mere 1/5 the time it took for Democrats to do so.

Ger, instead of picking the 2008 opponent you want rather than the one you're gonna get, I'd look into the history of market bubbles. Your presumption of continued Republican hegemony has all the earmarks, and the decibel levels and self-congratulation of or dutch tulips.

Posted by: fouro at March 6, 2006 7:07 PM

Yeah, nice post throwing a bunch of epithets at Hollywood (tough target). Was there a point?

But then we witness a beautiful Internet phenomenon. Wolcott linking here results in an update, whereby blogger exploits the sudden thousand-fold increase in traffic by throwing a bunch more inane ad hominem's at the incoming readers.

And to think I came here via the moderate-conservative Dan Drezner.

Talk about a genius for unwitting self-parody. You just can't make this stuff up. Hilarious.

Posted by: lewp at March 7, 2006 6:02 AM

Vanderleun -- Your posting on the 2nd of March in the year of our Lord 2000 and 6 implied a promise of a fornication festival at the annual awards ceremony of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences, to take place on the 5th of March of that same year. Unfortunately, no festival of fornication was witnessed at that event (not even a transparent codpiece!). My solicitor shall forthwith serve you with papers to prosecute a claim of fraud. Such bandying of flim-flam shall not go unpunished!

Posted by: uberpatriot at March 7, 2006 10:45 AM
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