January 30, 2004

The Democratic Candidate Cartoon Laws of Motion


Candidate Cartoon Law I :
Any hopeless Democratic candidate in the race will remain in suspended in the race until made aware of personal bankruptcy by his campaign finance manager.

Howard the Duck steps off a cliff on the plains of Iowa, expecting to run along in front until the nomination. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to speak to his supporters. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.

Candidate Cartoon Law II:
Any Senatorial Candidate will tend to remain in the race until solid matter intervenes suddenly.

Whether shot out of a cannon in “Vietnam, Vietnam, Vietnam” or in hot pursuit of a President who “f***ks up” in the pages of Rolling Stone, candidates resembling a Botoxed Lurch are so absolute in their ambition that only a primary in South Carolina retards their forward motion absolutely. Professor Teresa Heinz Kerry has called this sudden termination of motion the “No more money for honey” effect.

Candidate Cartoon Law III:
Any candidate passing through a losing primary enroute to the "really significant primary" will leave a perforation conforming to his perimeter.

Also called the "Silhouette of Passage," this phenomenon is the specialty of candidates so eager for power they attempt to bypass the electoral process and, stating "When I am President!," try to run directly through the wall of the Whitehouse, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of eternal tax cuts or the American Invasion of Syria often catalyzes this reaction.

Candidate Cartoon Law IV:
The time required for a candidate to fall from the “Front Runner Ledge” into the waters of oblivion is equal to the time it takes for the media source that knocked it off the ledge to Photoshop the word “Loser” across their previous “Winner” graphic, save to disk, and put it up on the screen.

Candidate Cartoon Law V:
All previous political principles and policies are negated by fear of losing.

The psychotic ambitions of candidates are sufficient in most for the shock of losing to propel them directly away from their previous positions. A primary where they gather 2% less than the expected vote or an adversary's superior showing will induce candidate motion in random directions, usually to the Larry King show, 20-20, or a whining, begging phone call to the Clintons. The feet of a candidate who is running away from a previous position need never touch the ground.

Candidate Cartoon Law VI:
As primary elections proliferate, candidates can be in several places at once.

This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw elections, in which a candidate’s head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning lies to cover old lies now declared to be in non-denial denial turnaround.

A wacky candidate with a belief in space aliens and cattle mutilation has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.

Candidate Cartoon Law VII:
Certain candidates can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This is known as the "Come-Back-Kid Effect."

This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him to the nomination.

Candidate Cartoon Law VIII:
Any violent rearrangement of candidates’ positions is impermanent.

Democratic candidates in 2004 are so numerous that, collectively, they possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.

  • Corollary: A Democratic candidate will assume the shape of the last uncommitted voter he has spoken to in one-on-one conversation.
  • Candidate Cartoon Law IX :
    In the actual election any Candidate who has become the Democratic nominee will fall faster than an anvil.

    A clear understanding of this law explains why the Democratic element "Clintonium" will not be rediscovered in 2004.

    Candidate Cartoon Law X: For every Primary there is an equal and opposite Reprimary.

  • Corollary: For every Pundit there is an equal and opposite RePundit .

  • (Apologies to Original Cartoon Laws )

    Email this entry to:

    Your email address:

    Message (optional):

    Posted by Vanderleun at January 30, 2004 11:35 AM | TrackBack
    Save to del.icio.us