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Makin’ Them Mexican Toasted Queso Sammichs by ghostsniper

That red assed quesadilla maker. My wife likes quesadillas. Someone gave her the red a few years ago, we used it once. You lay a tortilla in it, then scoop your stuff into it, lay another tortilla on top, then scrunch the whole thing down as flat as possible when you close and latch the lid.

The cooking surfaces are divided into about 6 compartments, but they are covered up when you put the first tort in it. So you just ladle your stuff in it and pay it no never mind. When you squeeze the lid shut, which takes considerable force, shit squirts out all the way around. Over the edge and down the sides and on the counter. But wait, there’s more. You clean up one side and then the other and when you look back at the first side HOT shit has squirted out and is puddling on the counter. Now you’re hot. You clean that stuff up and in the middle you think, hmmm…if this side squirted what about the other, so you look and…. Squirt. All. Over. That. Fucking. Counter. too. WTF is going on here?!?!?

So you throw the cleaning cloth down and go sit down. Glaring at that quesadilla maker from across the room. Time to go lift the lid and check it out. That latch is tight. That stuff inside is now under heat pressure and has expanded even more. Using both hands, and your knees against the lower cabinet door, you pop it loose and 3000 degrees of Mexi-heat washes the UV film off your glasses instantly and replaces it with steam. “MY EYES!” “I CAN’T SEE!!!” You hold onto the counter with one hand and take your destroyed glasses off with the other, relieved that you are not blind. Can’t see worth a fuck, but not blind. Pshwew That was close.

Clean the glasses up and reinstall and head for the q-maker. There it is, all toasty golden brown with steam emanating up from it. You grab a spatula to lift it out of there but find out quickly you need an industrial shovel. Yep. That bitch welded itself down into them 6 troughs and the edge, all the way around, is one-sixteenth of an inch thick and the consistency of cast iron. Looking close, you can’t tell where the black ‘maker stops and the q begins, it looks like all one piece. WTF???

So you grab a steak knife and try to find the line of demarcation between the m and the q. It gives way, so you push the knife in some more. Then you trace the steak all the way around the perimeter getting 3rd-degree burns on the back of your knuckles as you pass by that raised lid. OMG, where the burn spray iz???

Finally, you pop that q outta there and it clanks onto the plate. Clanks. It is hard. Soft in some internal spots, but hard on the edges. To break it into bite-size pieces is going to require a wood chisel and mallet, or maybe the radial arm saw. When you get the thing divided and plated you just stare at it. Spoon some salsa on it, maybe some sour cream.

Then you bite into it. 2 incisors snap off instantly. The minced ghost peppers you put inside kills your whole mouth inside and out. The heat from your exhale as you scream in pain melts your plastic lenses. “MY EYES! I CAN’T SEE!!!” The wife can’t help cause she took a bite and is writhing on the floor from cardiac arrest. She’s allergic to them ghost peppers. OMG, OMG!!!!

Anyway, the QM was a kitchen appliance someone gave us and we gave it to the landfill. Just passing it on.

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Q March 16, 2019, 8:34 AM

    Ghostsniper speaks the truth. WWG1WGA.

  • BillH March 16, 2019, 9:05 AM

    My wife’s been making those in the oven since the ’50s when our next door neighbor in San Antonio showed her how. No muss no fuss. Usually has them as a side when we’re having chili.

  • jwm March 16, 2019, 9:51 AM

    Machines? Ovens? Oh good Lord. God created the cast iron skillet for a reason.


  • Missy March 16, 2019, 10:43 AM

    Tortilla Land Tortillas and a cast iron skillet. Perfection.

  • Mike Anderson March 16, 2019, 12:23 PM

    Sometime late in the 20th Century, I was astounded to discover that my wife’s old waffle iron–that one that looks like a squarish chrome flying saucer–has removable cooking plates. Waffly grids on one side, flat on the other. Holy hellfire sh!t! It’s a quesadilla maker! It’s a panini maker! My fave is a grilled ham and cheese made the way Grandma did, with the waffle grid. What I realize now is a Redneck Panini. When I’m brave enough to try quesadillas, I recall experiences much like GhostSniper’s: when it comes to cheese and hot peppers, more is certainly not better. But Hey! carefully constructed (non-waffly) Redneck Quesadillas aren’t bad.

  • Nori March 16, 2019, 7:55 PM

    Note the Devil’s horns on the bottom plate, the fiery red color.
    Folks,we’re looking at Satan’s Sandwich Maker.

  • Marica March 17, 2019, 4:28 AM

    Some lucky bastard got paid actual money to think up the clever green stem on the top of the pepper lock. Not long ago we counted up the number of small kitchen appliances we own. Staggering. But I am pleased to report a q-maker is not among them (though its evil twin the sandwich maker is).

  • Larry Geiger March 17, 2019, 5:35 AM

    I have a panini press that makes the cute little parallel lines in the bread or tortilla. I get “Cuban” sandwiches at Publix, add a few ingredients when they are a little thin (mostly cheese) then press. Turns our pretty good. I’ve made quesadillas, or something like them in tortillas. Most people probably wouldn’t classify them as real quesadillas but they turn out ok. I always ate cold sandwiches when I was younger but as I get older I’ve come to like warm soup and warm sandwiches. Why is that? Is it universal? Something about melted cheese? My press was cheap. It has no controls. You plug it in and the light is either red or green. I still make grilled cheese in the pan on the stove.

  • Snakepit Kansas March 17, 2019, 6:41 AM

    A mess oozing out each side. Funny as hell.

  • ghostsniper March 17, 2019, 7:46 AM

    Larry, the wonderful Publix deli has sliced Roast Pork and they’ll cut it as thick as you want, and swiss cheese so you can make your own cubans at home. I used to do it all the time. I do miss a large Publix like we used to live close to. The only thing that rivals it around here is the largest Kroger in the country over in Bloomington but they don’t have the roast pork.

    I wrote this in 2004 and it was published in the Fort Myers News Press (Thomas Edison’s favorite newspaper). I was “Bob Black” back in them days and was a regular contributer.

    Ten Reasons Why Bob just LOVESSSS grocery shopping at Publix.

    1. All those beautiful but vacant handicap parking spaces.
    Wait a minute, they ain’t vacant, they’re occupied by people that have permits but yet still are able to walk far enough to latch onto one of those motorized carts Publix is so kind to provide for their needy customers. You know the ones, they block the aisles and ask everybody to reach stuff on the top shelf for them, then they make their way back to their car with their 3 cans of Garbanzo beans, whatever they are.

    2. That efficient curbside service. Its pretty cool how the designers of the Publix buildings have created a little niche along the front of the building that is outlined in big yellow diagonal lines so the sucker moms can quickly grab some green from the ATM, run inside and snag a load of fried chicken and a bag of salad and a coupla 2 liters for supper, I mean, it’ll only take a min, ya know.

    3. The deli. My favorite thing in the whole wide world. All you have to do is find where they put the red ticket machine today and get yourself a ticket that keeps everybody straight and in perfect order. The digital counter on the wall is on customer 63 and I look at my ticket and it says 19. WTF??? Oh well, this won’t take as long as it seems, as soon as number 63 gets done with his 4 pounds of Boars Head thinly sliced honey ham and that 6 pounds of medium sliced swiss, with paper between – pleeze, and 3 pounds of thick sliced Smoked Turkey, and BTW do you guys have any of that mesquite guinea pig gums like I got up at the Loxahatchee store last week?, and can I have just a taste of that beautifully rare and dripping with vampire juice roast beef? Oh well, as long as I can get out of here by 9pm I’ll be happy.

    3. The bakery. What can I say? I go weak in the knees at the Publix bakery, all the smells, all the sights, all the variety, and everything packaged in 12s. Who eats 12 of one thing? I only want 2 croissants but it seems everybody is on break. Nope, they’re all out in the aisles giving samples to everybody in sight complete with garnishes and drinking material. Guess I’ll mozy over there and get me a microdot of that chocolate cake they’re dispersing at the end of aisle 8.

    4. The meat dept. Man, I’m in heaven. Look at that Porterhouse with 4″ of fat around the perimeter and at least a 3 pound bone and its only, gasp, $29.38. Wow, I better get 2! Think I’ll get me some of them newspaper porkchops too. Yes, you can read a newspaper through them, but hey, they’re only $13.53 for 2 so why not?. Now, I’ll get me some chicken breasts and I’ll be all set for the week. Hmmm….no chicken breasts, just gigantic turkey breasts that are labeled chicken and they’re packaged in those nifty 5 packs for just $17.26. Such a deal. Wait a minute, they really are chicken breasts but the Publix butcher took the time out of his busy day to inject them with ammonia so they would be nice and fluffy and fresh. Oh yeah, I gotta get some fish too. Lets see, that salmon has a nice yellowish-greenish tint around the edge and its on sale today only for $8.99/lb but wait, the nice lady behind the counter winked at me and said to come back tomorrow and it will be further reduced. Such a nice lady. As I turned to go she squeezed my hiney with a wet gloved hand that felt like the Terminator. For the rest of the night my a55 smelt like cod.

    5. Cans. Publix is so amazing. To ward away shoppers boredom they put full pallets of stuff all up and down the aisles so the customers have to really pay attention to where they’re going WHILE trying to find that most elusive can of Del Monte Asparagus tips and let opposing shoppers traverse this one lane highway simultaneously. Leave it to Publix to come up with unique and exciting ways to make a 30 minute shopping trip seem like 4 hours. I luv it, I luv it, I luv it…..

    6.Frozen foods. Holy Kow. Where do I begin? The frosted doors. The blacked out lights. The misplaced items. The ever changing choices. The wet towels heaped in the corner. Again, Publix to the rescue to ward off boredom and routine. I mean, how many days in a row can you eat Banquet 5 for $5 meatloaf meals? And why should you when you can alternate the meatloaf dinners with Swanson 8/ $5 Turkey potpies complete with extra gristle? Whoops, don’t forget to grab a boxed pizza and don’t worry about the name or the flavor as they all taste the same anyway. Publix really knows how to make a chore fun!!!

    7. The garden of Eden. Er, I mean, the produce department. Wow. How is this even possible. Unbelievably, Publix out does itself in the produce dept. I think they sit up in them windows on the 2nd floor and try to decide which veggies and fruits any given customers might want and then they rush down there at the last minute and whisk all of them away except for one, so that the customer is not taxed by making unnecessary choices. After all, who needs more than 1 Indonesian cherry tomato? I mean, really. You are aware it was a closet marketing genius and a master of efficiency, Publix employee that back in 1995 discovered that if he chopped up lettuce and cabbage and a few carrots and stuffed it in plastic bags he could sell if for 200 times the price of the individual ingredients. And guess what, they pass that saving to us, their customers!!!!! I think.

    8. Check out. Sadly, it is now time to leave Publix. But Publix is not done with me yet. Oh no, they are saving the best for last. I only have 8 items in my hands so I make my way amongst the long lines of happy customers waiting to check out, to the express lane that Publix is so thoughtful to provide. Looky! There’s only 22 people in the express lane so it will surely go fast. Just as soon as that little old lady with 11 items in her cart gets through writing out the check. Oh dear, the poor soul has misplaced her drivers license. What shall she do, what shall she do? Ahhh, the red and blue haired cashier has summonsed the manager, now everything will get right back on track. Whats that? The manager is helping the Wells Fargo doodz load up the ATM machine, well then, I guess the assistant manager will be here shortly. There she is…..but wait! The assistant manager is outside in the fire lane helping a lady with a bag of chicken and a bag of salad clean up the spilled 2 liter bottle that sprayed all over the Wells Fargo truck parked behind her. This is getting exciting now. Wow. There’s always something cooking at Publix. Never a dull moment.

    Going to Publix isn’t just a weekly chore its an adventure, filled with fun, excitement, mystery and economic sense that rates right up there with a week at Disney or a cruise in the Caribbean.

    Ya know, I don’t see how I ever existed before Publix came into my life and showed me how lovely the world really can be!

    Now I hafta get my list together for my next exciting trip to Publix next week!
    I always have difficulty going to sleep at night after my shopping sprees at Publix, I just lie in bed for hours wondering, ‘How do they do it?’.

  • AesopFan March 17, 2019, 1:23 PM

    My cooking chores were lightened considerably when I got one of the sandwich maker presses, as the (5) boys could operate that unsupervised. It lasted until one of them tried to do a hot (leftover) meatloaf sandwich with a too-hearty slice. But, I got another one (sandwich press, not son).
    “God created the cast iron skillet for a reason.” – so true.
    Grilled cheese sandwiches supreme.
    However, when we started cutting down on fats, and couldn’t slather both slices of bread with butter, I found a nifty synthetic-material sleeve that you fill with the bread-and-cheese and slide into your toaster.
    At least the cheese melts and gets hot, and there is no mess to clean up inside.
    Miracles of modern living.

  • Snakepit Kansas March 22, 2019, 5:13 AM

    Ghost keeps delivering the hits! I worked at a grocery store through high school and electronics school. So much of what he says is true!

  • Andrew X March 23, 2019, 2:24 PM

    I had this same product. It was even red, but without the cute pepper handle. And to the landfill it went.

    What I categorically could not get in any way was the absolute impossibility of putting anything between two tortillas except maybe slices of cheese. Anything else would not allow the top to close, thus cooking the hinge side far faster than the latch side, the latter maybe not cooking at all, etc etc. So, is that the yummy dish? Tortillas with cheese…. period?

    Utterly stupid. Now I see what appears to be a different company selling the exact same thing. I do not get it. Does anyone else here?

  • ghostsniper March 24, 2019, 9:47 AM

    The QM was poorly designed.

    Some here have suggested a cast iron skillet but that only fries one side and unless you are a magician you can’t flip it to cook the other side without the molten guts falling out.

    The QM is the right idea, as it cooks both sides at the same time, but it has 2 flaws that render it useless. The distance between the top and bottom cooking surfaces needs to be about 1/2″ or so. Perhaps a “ratchet hinge” in the back so the distance between the 2 surfaces can adjust to the amount of stuff you put between the torts. If the lid has enough weight no locking mechanism is necessary.

    2nd, the hollowed out troughs in the cooking plates are unnecessary. Just 2 flat surfaces with tightly coiled burner elements on the back sides to cause consistent and even cooking. Also, if the cooking plates could pop out for cleaning that would be greatly appreciated. I threw our George Foreman out many years ago because after the first use I discovered it was impossible to clean to my standards because the cooking plates did not come off, meaning all sorts of nastiness was harbored down in it’s inner sanctums. shiver

    The QM should also have had 2 lights on the front, 1 red and 1 green, and a twist knob type timer. The red would come on when the knob was turned higher than 0 and the green would come on when it reached the proper temperature. When the timer wound back down to zero a bell would sound and the heat would be turned off. Sounds pretty simple doesn’t it? So are the manufacturers simpletons, or frauds?

    We have a Cuisinart Panini Press that does all of that stuff and does it well but it’s not as large as the QM so the Q’s must use the smaller 8″ torts. However it’s a double panini so you can do 2 at the same time. The lid hinges so you can put thick stuff in it, you can burn the top, the bottom, or both, it has 2 lights, and the twist timer, and a temperature setting, and the cooking plates come off for cleaning, it has a grease drip tray underneath, and the cooking surfaces reverse from flat to grooved and it comes with 2 other cookers that look like waffles on one side. A very versatile machine. We’ve had it for several years and never a problem. This is it:


  • ghostsniper March 24, 2019, 9:50 AM

    Disregard that double part, someone must have slipped me a microdot, again.

  • Jimbo March 24, 2019, 9:10 PM

    Wife has a quesadilla maker that she uses about once a week. It’s round and black and has “Lodge” right there on the handle. She makes dang good ones with cheese, jalapeño, onion, and usually beef, but cabrito is good too. Maybe she has super powers or something, but she always flips ‘em to cook both sides, never seen her do anything but wipe it out with a paper towel when done. She’s pretty good with a knife too, uses a big one with”old hickory” right there on the handle to quarter ‘em after cooking. Yep, she’s a pretty handy ol’ gal. I’m right lucky.