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Kute Korner Krack Dealers: They’re Baaaaaaack!

UPDATE — 2022: They got me again yesterday in Chico. They used Bluebirds to lure me. Then the Scouts and the Moms eviscerated my wallet. There oughta be a law against these kinds of high-pressure selling tactics.

Who let them out? Why are they everywhere? On the corners, by the entrances to supermarkets, at the crossings, and all over the place. They swoop into the neighborhood in massive SUVs driven by classic MILFs. They pull in, tumble out giggling, and yank their card tables and their boxes of contraband from the back. Then they set up their offerings in stacks, and slap crude handmade signs with a heavy helping of glitter on the tables. Then they don their gang colors and get to work on you.

They are the most ruthless retail agents known to man. They are virtually irresistible in the peddling of their wares. They do it with cutting-edge cute, and they have no scruples concerning your desperate attempt to diet away the winter flab.

They are the Girl Scouts and no matter how I try I cannot avoid them.

Their web of pushers has been strung across Seattle. They don’t even offer the first one free. They just jibber-jabber among themselves with their guardian MILF smiling knowingly at you. Sometimes, when the junkies are slow to line up for their fix, they do things like cartwheels or jump rope. Then they get your attention. The MILF sees this and smiles again.

And you are sunk. You have no hope of escape. Your whole universe of abstaining from sugar collapses. The few measly ounces you’ve lost by denying yourself that fourth scoop of Cherry Garcia at one in the morning are swamped by the tsunami of the C.U.T.E. in their little vests with their patches. Your world of hope for a change in your gut is gone, and the only thing left for you is the stark choice: Thin Mints or Samoas?

I’ve tried to escape their clutches, but it’s no good. Today, desperate to kick after discovering last night that I could hear a box of Thin Mints calling to me through a closed door, I even invented a granddaughter.

The MILF saw my glance at their cookie table and smiled. I said, having bought no less than three boxes of their Krispy Krack over the last week, “I’m sorry, but my granddaughter has made me swear to buy cookies only from her troop.” (I have no granddaughter, but I was in despair.)

One of her henchgirls shrugged and did a cartwheel while the other two looked disappointed in that trademark Girl Scout disappointed look that I’m sure they give a patch for.

“Oh, don’t worry,” said the MILF. “We’ll never tell. Right girls?”

“We’ll never-ever tell,” said all three virtually in unison as if they’d practiced it throughout all of February at their Girl Scout/MILF coven meetings.

It was all over for me. All I could say was,


Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Rob De Witt February 5, 2018, 2:45 AM
  • Monty James February 5, 2018, 2:50 AM

    Pitiless, shark-like Girl Scouts

    It’s the frightening feeling of tracking the evolution of an untreatable virus.

  • Monty James February 5, 2018, 2:54 AM
  • Fuel Filter February 5, 2018, 5:33 AM

    When they accost me I simply look the MILF dead in the eye and say:

    “I’ll consider buying your cookies when your organization divorces itself from pro-abortion groups.”

    Leaves them dumbfounded every time.

  • ghostsniper February 5, 2018, 6:03 AM

    The tranny on the right identifies as a gurl.

  • Jack February 5, 2018, 7:33 AM

    My daughters weren’t GS’s but they hawked everything else that came their way for school fund raisers so I’m a sap for their sales pitches. I don’t do popcorn but I bought a box of gluten-free cookies on Saturday and couldn’t have been happier; ate all of them by the end of the evening, too.

    Got more ordered. I love GS cookies and I always support the girls. And I don’t let politics get in the way of helping these kids feel like they’re successful and supported.

  • theduchessofkitty February 5, 2018, 8:08 AM

    Oh, Gerald. Like you, I used to laugh at this. “High-pressure tactics,” indeed.

    But now, my daughters are in GS. And I’m their troop’s Cookie mom. The initial order for the troop last year was of no more than 75 cases. But this year, the girls went into hyperdrive. The order coming into my living room of cookies ordered through my Troop: 240 cases. Not packages. Cases.

    My hubby just told me, “I think we need a bigger house!”

  • theduchessofkitty February 5, 2018, 8:25 AM


    Cookie money goes mainly to the GS activities within their councils. You see their camps, with all the boat equipment, stables, pools, cabins, etc? That’s cookie money right there. If girls can’t afford an activity, uniforms, or fees, they are given grants to participate. That also cones from cookie money. Troops’ badge-earning activities? Cookie money. Awards and recognitions to girls who earn them in the big leagues (Bronze, Silver or Gold)? Cookie money. About 23 percent of Cookie money goes to the bakers. The rest never leaves the council area.

    Not a single penny from any GS Cookies sold goes to a single abortion clinic. Not. One. Penny!

    In my Council area, all the GS camps were pounded hard by Harvey last August. Some troops lost all their equipment. And many girls were displaced. But guess what? The entire Council’s girls are raising unbelievable amounts of money to give cookies to the first responders who helped so many here during Harvey. Not a single penny is going to help abortionists (who, of course, don’t help save lives.)

    Not. One. Penny!

    Oh! We let parents know precisely how the money is spent.

  • Richard February 5, 2018, 8:28 AM

    I know it’s not nearly as much fun as buying from the neighborhood dealer, but if you get the occasional Jones for Samoas, and you have an Aldi grocery store in the vicinity, you just might find you get what you need in the Benton’s Caramel Coconut, Fudge cookies.

  • pbird February 5, 2018, 9:13 AM

    They are truly awful cookies and grossly overpriced. No sale.

  • Sixty Ville February 5, 2018, 12:32 PM

    Now that dietary fats are no longer the villains in heart disease (it’s the CARBS! https://www.investors.com/politics/editorials/settled-science-just-got-blown-up/ ), perhaps the Junior Lesbian League can switch over to selling Slim Jims. Or Jills, as the case may be.

  • Vanderleun February 5, 2018, 1:29 PM

    Bad cookies? YES!
    Overpriced? YES!
    Parent organization is formed of moonbats and whackjobs? YES!

    Do the salespeople look like my daughter, my nieces, my grandnieces? YES!



    I don’t care th at the GSA has my number. They’ve got it and the fivers come out of my wallet.

    I usually take a couple of tastes and toss them.

    Then I buy another box

    That’s just me.

  • Monty James February 5, 2018, 1:41 PM

    The Samoas and the Caramel Delights are awesome. Overpriced because it’s fundraising. It’s like a donation except you end up with some cookies. Don’t have to donate if you don’t want to. I forget what they’re called, but when kids bang on the door hawking those long skinny bars of milk chocolate with the almonds in them I react like a fundraising Manchurian Candidate. I don’t even know what I’m doing.

  • Mike G. February 5, 2018, 3:17 PM

    I’m particular to the Do See Dos. I love peanut butter.

  • ghostsniper February 5, 2018, 5:59 PM

    Last week it was fats, this week it’s carbs, next week it’ll be sugars, eat what you want, you’re gonna die anyway, may as well enjoy it while you’re here.

  • Bunny February 6, 2018, 8:05 AM

    I miss Target and Girl Scout cookies, I really do.

  • eclectickelvin February 6, 2018, 10:26 AM

    I don’t buy Girl Scout cookies, i just try not to eat sugar in large amounts. But i am not immune to the kiddos. I have 3 nieces who constantly set us up to donate to their schools causes. I wish there was sugar involved so i could say no but they keep collecting money from us anyway.

  • Jimmy February 6, 2018, 6:47 PM

    I like how dynamic the girls become. If you talk to them engagingly, you can find the ones with a good sense of humor. I imagine they will become successful business women, lawyers, engineers, doctors, etc., all with outgoing personalities and lots of drive. I keep imagining that as I walk away with my package open and my mouth full..

    See, I had two sons – and always wanted a girl, too. How can you not love the kids when they’re THAT happy and exhuberant?! We were all kids once…

  • Chris March 7, 2020, 4:06 AM

    As I get older,I find it easier to say no to just about anyone. I blame Nancy Reagan…..

  • Dave E March 7, 2020, 4:21 AM

    I just finished two boxes of thin mints….

  • CC March 7, 2020, 6:41 AM

    Thin mints are the exact same thing as Keebler Grasshoppers, at half the cost.

  • Jack March 7, 2020, 7:01 AM

    My wife came home yesterday with 4 boxes of the gluten free toffees that she picked up from my dealer. I hope that will be enough.

  • Uncle Mikey March 7, 2020, 7:48 AM

    I do the crucifix fingers and say “not today, Satan.” Kids laugh, mom looks horrified, and they look for the next victim

  • Anonymous March 7, 2020, 9:12 AM


  • Andy Havens March 7, 2020, 9:14 AM

    I was out last weekend with my daughter (11 years old) and a co-scout of hers, selling cookies outside of Trader Joe’s (apologies for any strokes or siezures that sentence may have caused – THAT’S WIMMIN’S WURK, ANDY).

    Jimmy’s spot on. You combine their natural ebullience with 2 hours of standing in one place (which girls of that age are not very good at), and they become a lot of fun to engage with. The sales and the weather both ran hot and cold, and I did have to deftly shoo away a loon who shouted that our girls were going to hell for something he never quite made clear (city livin, leave it or…well, just leave it), but it was a good day.

    There were 2 people handing out Bernie flyers (didn’t buy any cookies, FWIW, but I’m sure they would have liked it if someone else bought some for them), and the TJ’s folks backed them up a bit when they crept too close to the doors.

    All in all a very good couple of hours, including a side of my daughter that I never really get to see.

    Buy cookies! It makes the girls very happy, and that’s all the reason any of us really need.

  • Dr Bob March 7, 2020, 7:20 PM

    Recall if you years back leaving the supermarket with my daughter. The young kids were there pitching their Girl Scout cookies. We politely declined; as we walked away, I overheard one of the girls say “die!! “

    Haven’t been tempted to get Girl Scout cookies since that time :-0

  • Prunella March 7, 2020, 8:51 PM

    While it’s true GSUSA doesn’t have a direct relationship with Planned Parenthood, they send approximately one million dollars in dues each year to WAGGGS (World Association of Girl Guides and Girl Scouts), which advocates for abortion rights globally. Whether or not this money comes from cookie sales, many pro lifers have reconsidered their support. O’Sullivan’s law: “All organizations that are not actually right-wing will over time become left-wing.”


  • D S Craft March 8, 2020, 9:50 AM

    I should just sit this one out since you made it abundantly clear to me several years ago that, no, you’re not going to tell the little bastards what you really think of them (my wording). And to be sure, neither do I. I just smile sweetly and say ‘no thank you’ (ya little bastards, take your pitch someplace else). Actually, it’s not the kids so much as it is their handlers.. er, parents. It’s them I’d like to give an ear full to, and while the kids probably talk like sailors when they’re out of sight it’s probably best not to light up the folks out there in public. So I skip the cookies. No, what I’m getting fat on these days are Mexican breads…wonderful, wonderful gingerbread and sugar rolls and on and on. Deelicious.

  • Jack March 9, 2020, 8:07 AM

    D S…you’re prob being a little to hard on these kids. I’ve raised two daughters and shepherded dozens of their buddies on different projects and they’re not filthy mouthed hucksters who want your money. And neither are the moms, dads, grands, older siblings or any other adult that accompanies them to keep them safe. Just offer them that ‘sweet smile’ as you walk by them with your eyes on the distant horizon; they’ll understand.

  • Mike Anderson February 26, 2022, 1:01 PM

    For me and my waistline, the Girl Scout Cookie Season of my life has passed. A decade or so ago, my neighborhood was blessed with an eager Scout who canvassed the blocks taking orders. I still recall her showing up at my door IN ROLLER SKATES. How timely, I thought, and ordered a half-dozen boxes for snacks and an upcoming ski trip. The day the cookies shipped, our intrepid Scout was at my door with a red wagonload of cookies, making deliveries. Naturally, she was back the following year, and every subsequent year until she graduated from high school and went off to college. And that was the end of neighborhood GS cookies for me.

    Fast forward to last year, when I made a pest of myself with our Neighborhood Association demanding a Second Annual Christmas decoration contest. Amidst all the planning, discussion, and preparation, the wife of the NA President stopped mid-sentence and said to me, “I remember you now. You’re the folks who bought all my daughter’s Girl Scout cookies to take on your ski trips!” It only took a decade for us to become instant pals.

  • Plague Monk February 26, 2022, 2:47 PM

    I stopped buying cookies from them many years ago, after the Girl Scouts got hit with a boycott from stamp collectors and dealers over some foul antics with regard to a Girl Scout stamp. The boycott has never officially ended.
    When I see them offering their overpriced junk, I use the same tone of voice that I used when I was dealing with incompetent client managers: total and utter scorn.
    I’m going to have to put up the sign on the front of my house that reads “I Shoot Every Peddler. Wanna Try Your Luck?” The kiddies tend to stay away, especially when the weather outside is nice, and I happen to be cleaning my FN-FAL on my front porch while listening to Warhammer 40K music.

  • Anne February 26, 2022, 3:29 PM

    Excuse me. I am a little confused. It is my understanding that when they destroyed the “Boy” scouts it was agreed that there would no longer be Girl scouts. The agreement was to have One unisex scout troop. So my question is why are there still “Girl Scouts” selling cookies? Where are t he boys? Shouldn’t it be the “scouts” selling cookies?

  • Callmelennie February 26, 2022, 3:50 PM

    Was walking nonchalantly into Safeway just an hour ago and spotted the first table of the season, but too late! I inadvertently made eye contact.

    But before she could get her hooks into me, I said, “I have to get a few things first and then I’ll be back out”

    But what I didnt say was .. but not to buy! And so, upon exiting I fixed my steely gaze solely on my escape vehicle. Generally, this ruse works a half dozen times until Im finally overcome with shame at my own craveness. Then I always buy some

  • Nori February 26, 2022, 4:37 PM

    My husband adored Thin Mints,and would buy a case or 2 from a co-worker’s daughter every February. One Saturday morning,the doorbell rang and there was a sweet young lady in her GS uniform asking if I’d like to buy some cookies. I explained my husband had just bought a whole case,but thanked her for stopping by. She smiled and walked to the car where her Dad was waiting.I heard him say “You’re not doing too good,are you?”
    Her shoulders slumped and the crestfallen look on her face haunts me to this day.

    Have’nt refused one since. I buy 4 boxes,give 3 away and freeze those luscious Thin Mints to savor later. I always give an extra $5.00 donation,and the surprise on the girl’s faces and gratitude on their Mom’s makes my day.
    Life is too short to pass up the small pleasures.

  • gwbnyc February 26, 2022, 4:39 PM

    years back there was an internal to-do about GSA cookie control.

    don’t be a sap.

  • Humdeedee February 26, 2022, 6:11 PM

    My granddaughter is in Girl Scouts (I still call it that) and every year I get the request to buy cookies. Thoroughly updated sales tech: receive the e-mail spiel, order and pay for them online, select the shipping preference, and the recipients receive their cookies. The only personal interaction is a thank you card in the mail. I don’t really like commercially made cookies, so I buy them for work mates and family members who do like them and pay for a dozen or so extra boxes to donate to military service personnel.

    I was a Blue Bird and Girl Scout for a few years and made sales the old-fashioned way, door-to-door. I remember one year, when I was maybe 10 or so, my troop canvassed the downtown sidewalks on a Saturday. One coffee shop had outside seating and a gaggle of grandpas enjoyed teasing us girls, asking for a kiss on the cheek to seal the sell. Boy, today those old codgers would be hauled off to jail! But, it was all innocent cajolery and we were happy to play along. Nowadays, other than setting up their little dens of cookie temptation outside of grocery stores, I think the door to door selling has gone by the wayside. I haven’t had a Girl Scout at my door in several years. The parents do a lot of the selling at their work places, and now, with the online option, I don’t think the purpose of the fundraiser provides the learning experience it once did. But, Grandparents gotta grandparent 👵🏻👴🏼so that’s what we do for the little ‘uns.

    • Vanderleun February 26, 2022, 7:17 PM

      ACTUALLY, the more astute Girl Scouts (or probably their mothers) have recently taken to setting up cookie stands outside marijuana stores.

      • Dave's Not Here February 26, 2022, 7:57 PM

        The cookies inside the dispensary have special ingredients but cost way more and feature several layers of taxes.
        Just wait until the feds see all that money and take it all over!

      • Dirk February 27, 2022, 9:33 AM

        Outside pot stores? Sheer genius!

  • Mitchell Strand February 26, 2022, 7:21 PM

    I was accosted twice when I was at the outlet mall looking for long sleeve dress shirts with button-down collars. Once while I passed the kiosk going one direction, once going the other direction.

    I said “No” both times. I’m single and childless, so take what you will from that. But I choose the help I render to others. I’m not going to be swayed by little kids and the grownups who are betting I’ll cave because, you know…for kids.

    We rant that children are soft. Saying “no” to them is a step in the right direction. That’s not why I said “No” of course. I wasn’t there for cookies, I was there for shirts. Still, kids need to know that not every adult in the world is there for them. That our daily meanderings are not plotted so we can do what they want.

  • I Fart In Their General Direction February 26, 2022, 7:56 PM

    Cookies are a construct of the white male capitalist pig patriarchy.

    • John Venlet February 27, 2022, 6:34 AM

      Cookies are a construct of the white male capitalist pig patriarchy.

      I never saw my dad bake cookies.

  • Auntie Analogue February 26, 2022, 8:09 PM

    Sheez, I’m old enough to remember when Do-Si-Dos were called Gauchos.

    • jwm February 27, 2022, 7:06 AM

      “Gaucho” is inappropriate cultural appropriation. Think of the damaged psyches all over Latin America, where badass, horse ridin’ cow ropin’ gauchos were suddenly turned into cookies, and sold by little girls. It’s like, the all time worst thing ever!
      Insulting square dancers by turning them into cookies is much more appropriate.


  • Hoss February 27, 2022, 7:26 AM

    Samoa’s every time.

  • Gordon Scott February 27, 2022, 1:40 PM

    This year I am in the Phoenix cookie region. The lemon versions are inferior to the Minnesota variety. Different bakeries, I am told by the troop mom. She wishes that they could order from the northern bakery, because there are so many upper midwesteners here, and they want the familiar.

    Packages ate significantly smaller this year.

  • Plague Monk February 27, 2022, 11:30 PM

    Sunday was a nice day here in Cincy; cool, but sunny. The cooky pushers and their pimps were going house to house along the street, but didn’t look to be doing much business. they walked in front of my house, and saw my full size Space Marine figure, complete with bloody chainsaw, on the porch, below the sign warning that solicitors were not welcome.
    One of the mothers decided to try to her luck, until she saw that I was fussing over a bayonet that I bought at the Louisville Show of Shows Saturday. I waved it around in a “friendly” manner, and she walked backwards, That bayonet, of Swiss Engineering Bayonet make dating to WWI, is a big nasty looking one with a sawback.
    Now that I’m retired, I really don’t care what my neighbors think of me, nor people at the stores I frequent these days.

  • Brian_E March 1, 2022, 7:31 PM

    When accosted by the local GS cookie table workers – I asked:

    These cookies – are they made from real girl scouts?

    The girls looked at me kinda strange, while one of the attending mothers tried desperately to stifle a snicker… 😉

    And yes, we bought a box of each. I’d have bought more, but they wouldn’t sell on credit.