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Jim Daniels: You Bring Out the Boring White Guy in Me

 the Ward Cleaver in me. The Pat Boone
in me. The K-Mart in me. The Slurpee
in me. The boiled hotdog in me. The mac
and cheese in me. The Tang in me.
You bring out the Hamburger Helper
in me. You bring out the Twinkie
in me. The Cheez Whiz in me.
You bring out the bowling trophy
in me. The student council in me.
The parliamentary procedure in me.
The missionary position in me.
You bring out the canned vegetables
in me. The Jell-o in me. The training
wheels in me. You bring out
the lawn edger in me. The fast-food
drive-thru window in me. The Valu
Meal in me. You bring out the white
briefs in me. You bring out
the cheap beer and weak coffee
in me. You bring out the 15%
tip chart in me. The sad overweight
weekend golfer in me. You bring out
the ex-smoker in me. The jumper
cables in the trunk with flares
and the red flag to tie to the window
in me. You bring out the Tony Orlando
in me. The canned situation comedy
laughter in me. The elevator music
in me. You bring out the medley
of TV commercial jingles in me.
The Up with People in me.
I’ve come to a complete stop
at the stop sign. I’ve got my
emergency flashers on. My doors
are locked, baby,
I’m waiting for you.

—Jim Daniels, 2003

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Monty James August 31, 2018, 12:48 PM

    Hear, now, the song of my people.

  • ghostsniper August 31, 2018, 1:33 PM

    This country, and that article above, seem to be obsessed with food. Have you noticed? Of course you do. I remember back in the 50’s, 60’s, and even 70’s, everybody was skinny. Everybody. Now? The opposite. When I venture out into society I marvel at the size of people. My wife and I chowed down at 5 guys burger and fries recently in Bloomington and we each had a junior burger and a small drink and split an order of small fries and still ended up throwing some away. Yet there we were surrounded by huge people engulfing enormous sums of graar like they do it every day.

    Here in the compound we don’t eat 3 meals a day and never have. We have 1 meal, our supper, a very light lunch and no breakfast. Lunch might be half a sandwich or a small portion of leftovers, or a piece of fruit. Lately, because they have been in abundance, I’ll skarf down a pair of medium size local grown tomatoes out on the side porch, throw the cores to the wild creatures. If I’m feeling froggy I’ll take a salt shaker with me but usually not. They is good as is.

    I think easy access to “fast” food causes lazy people to magnetize to it. Prior to 5 guys I don’t remember the last time we ate that stuff. Maybe a month or more. Maybe 2 months. The closest joint is about 7 miles from here, a McDonalds – which I’ve eaten at exactly twice since we moved here 12 years ago and didn’t care for it, and after that some serious driving must occur to get some. So fast food doesn’t happen much around here. And we’re not much into the more regulated sit-down type of restaurants, which too are long distances away.

    So it’s routine to eat maybe 1500 calories a day, my wife eats less, around here. With the constant physical movement it gets burned all day too. We only drink 2 things, filtered water and coffee, made with filtered water. I stopped buying soft drinks about 8 years ago and maybe 3 times a year I’ll drink a cold tea. I had a green tea at 5 guys but couldn’t stand the fruitiness of it, so I only had a few swallows.

    Snacks? Rarely. At least not sweet or salty junk type snacks. My “breakfast” this morning was 2 strawberries. Yesterday I ate a banana. Don’t eat much in the morning cause it slows me down and I hate the backwards drag. Just a strong cuppa mud 1st thing and then large quantities of water. I’ll also have a mud midafternoon sometimes.

    Driving thru a medium size ‘ville it’s stunning the number of cars at ALL the food joints. How in the world do people afford that stuff? And why? Is it pure laziness? And look at the people that work in those places, the people touching all over their foods. -shiver- All tatted and pierced all over the place, I wouldn’t let em mow my yard. You can’t help to wonder about the diseases and lack of hygiene. jayziss

    We don’t watch much TV, no radio, no streaming, and little other exposure to modern media so we are not pummeled by advertising which might be a contributor to the inducement to consume food. But in the end each person has to choose to put that construct in their head cave and accept the consequences. And there will be no argument from me about it, but I do wonder.

  • jwm August 31, 2018, 1:59 PM

    Well, I still haven’t made it to the local In N’ Out.
    Ghostsniper, your lifestyle sounds remarkably similar to my own, except I’m here on the grid in a vanishing corner of north Orange County. We may have the means to get out. Mary is cool with the idea.
    But the In N’ Out. The head of the CA donk party has called for a boycott because republicans or something. I’m sure In N’ Out is doomed. May never get there…


  • ghostsniper August 31, 2018, 3:02 PM

    “We may have the means to get out.”

    After you “get out” you’ll deeply regret not doing it sooner.
    Seriously, life begins in the absence of society.

    Think about it. Everything in society is geared toward people. Boring assed people. It’s a very narrow subject. There is so much more available. But you have to want it. You have to believe you deserve more than any society can offer.

    People tend to appreciate each other more when they’re not up in each others mugs 24/7.
    When we see each other we’ll act like we haven’t seen each other in a long time, cause we haven’t.
    My best friend lives 2 doors down the road but we haven’t seen each other in about a month or so. In that time we’ve exchanged 1 email, no texts, no phone calls, no carrier pigeons, nothing. When we finally get together again we’ll shake hands, smile profusedly, and appreciate every minute we’re together. Cause we won’t know when we’ll see each other again. When we are together we don’t answer phones or texts cause we are busy being with each other.

    You gotta like being alone, doing your own thing, or things. If you are needy, high maintenance, you won’t like it out here. You’re on your own for the most part. You have to find things to do by yourself. You know, be an adult. Discover, create, imagine, do. When you take away the illusion of, or the distraction of, society a whole nuther world opens up. You recognize the silly plasticness of the built society and it’s fakeness. I don’t miss it and will never go back for to do so would be my demise.

    Looking out the window and seeing a neighbors house. Hearing the people across the street playing music or conversing. The smell of vehicle exhaust. The sound of commercial vehicles. Visitors visiting. The lights at night time. Everybody in society is afraid of the dark and turn all the lights on all the time. All these unnecessary and wasteful distractions. Accumulatively they drag you down. Big time.

    At 6:15 am everyday of the year I stand on the deck with my mud in hand and stare upward at the Big Dipper. I watch it travel across the sky, moving as it does all year. So clear it is right here, all mine. I listen to the hoot owl. Sometimes it’s not there, most of the time it is. Cold winter is best. Stand there in the snow and sounds travel far reflected off the snow. When the hoot calls I can hear it’s raspy in-draw of breath. Sometimes I’ll call back and I hear it’s breath get excited. Can it hear that in mine?

    The leaves crack, a deer steps. If I don’t move, at all, it won’t notice me. I turn ever so slowly in it’s direction, barely moving, not blinking. Finally I see it. The leaves are gone and the ground is covered in snow, I can see for miles. A mama and 2 babies, partially grown now. We watched them all summer and fall. The babies are almost as tall as mama. They nibble the bark and keep moving, slowly, stopping frequently. Unlike busy people in society. Hurrying to their next destination. Here, we have our whole lives to get to nowhere, and we don’t care. The journey is the destination, but you have to want it. Wilderness high. Every day.

  • H September 1, 2018, 4:22 AM

    I second ghost’s emotion.

    For those not living similarly: Leave, as soon as possible, immediately if not sooner. You can do it. If your woman is on board, that’s well over half the battle. Prioritize, economize, whatever you have to do, just get out.

    We did, and we’re never going back.

  • Snakepit Kansas September 2, 2018, 7:56 AM

    I am not a huge tomato fan, but while mowing it is awful nice to pull a baseball sized one off the vine and eat it while still warm from the sun. My son eats tomatoes like he cannot get enough.