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Incoming! The Care and Feeding of “Peaceful Protestors” Rioting in Your Neighborhood

It’s late at night in your neighborhood, your Mr. Rogers suburban neighborhood, suddenly you are woken up by “peaceful protestors” in a mob in the middle of your street. They’ve got their bullhorns and their slogans and their heavy metal rap. They are screaming “SILENCE EQUALS VIOLENCE” and ‘GET OUT OF THOSE HOUSES. YOU DIDN’T EARN THEM. WE NEED THEM OUR OPPRESSORS BECAUSE REPARATIONS!”

You know, the usual cascade of insults and threats. But stop. Think. Consider those poor “peaceful protestors” and their oppression and pain and thirst and hunger. They’ve marched a long way from their base in the city and they are, if anything, hungry. In fact, the reason they are being so unpleasant to you is probably due to the fact that they are all hungry, or “hangry.” Just feeding them may cool them out and you have a Judeo/Christian/Taoist/Muslim duty to feed the hungry.

The question becomes — since we are dealing with the “peaceful protestors” —  how to feed them with equality of opportunity, but also “equal outcome.” After all, that’s one of the sacred texts they believe in and you gotta respect that, right? Right.

Here’s how.
Do you remember all those canned goods that you laid in along with bricks of ammo when this  Chinese virus invasion started? If you are like me you have so many canned goods you cannot contemplate ever eating that many Spaghettios and Campbell’s Baked Beans and Spam. You’ve considered donating these canned goods to the Food Bank but its already full. Not a problem, the mob in front of your house deserves to be fed instead.

Working with your neighbors and your local volunteer security through a pre-arranged series of texts simply carry your canned goods overstock into your backyard and at a co-ordinated moment launch those cans at angles over the roof of your house and into the mob. (If you have an advanced sense of humor hurl a few can-openers with them.)

A cloudburst of canned goods dropping onto a mob from above like manna from heaven should solve their hunger issues for the rest of the night. If it doesn’t you can give them some of that surplus ammo you laid in. Either way, it’s all good AND it’s for a good cause.

Fun for the whole family!


Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Sam L. August 30, 2020, 10:41 AM

    Heh, heh, hehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

  • James ONeil August 30, 2020, 11:10 AM

    Alas and alack, the vast majority of the suburbanite defense force has no experience nor practice firing cans from a defilade position.

    Most regrettably I suspect few of the projectiles will clear the roof lines, instead most will end up being returned to the houses through patio and bedroom windows.

    Hence, simply out of loving kindness, it might be better to deliver the cans to the “peaceful protestors” neighborhoods where broken windows are part of daily life anyway. I’m sure they’ll be ever so grateful.

  • Glenfilthie August 30, 2020, 11:32 AM

    I love it.

    Peaceful protesters getting canned… with Del Monte spinach?

    I’m there! 😆👍

  • TC August 30, 2020, 5:55 PM

    Does anyone know if the nutritional value of 5.56 increases, or decreases due to 3250FPS velocity? How about double ought? .45ACP?

    Can home made napalm be regarded as a garnish, or a sauce?

    Asking for a friend.

  • ghostsniper August 30, 2020, 6:56 PM

    We’ll let the coyotes clean em up all night long, and in the morning the buzzards will take over, by 5pm they’ll be nasty splotches of animal dung in the cornfields.

  • Mark August 30, 2020, 7:24 PM

    What a wonderful idea. A little practice would be most helpful before going into the grocery delivery business. A good education in basic arithmetic, geometry, measurement and graduation will also improve economics and reduce waste.

  • PA Cat August 30, 2020, 7:34 PM

    Why waste baked beans and Spam on rioters? Alpo dog food comes in 13.2-oz cans, which will fit nicely into a backyard slingshot. (Cat food cans are too small to do much damage.)

    Alternately, Shawn with the Wild shows you how to build a Roman ballista– which, as he notes, was originally designed to “chuck stones, and cannon balls, and fireballs– and the occasional human head.”

  • Boat Guy August 30, 2020, 7:37 PM

    Wonderful idea but I agree that “direct” rather than “indirect ” would be much more accurate.