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Improving Follywood Without Blowing Up More Than 150 Cars Per Film

We need the following warning labels — once I am Emperor — placed on ALL movies where they fit:

1. Gay stuff. Contains copious amounts of stuff that will have no meaning for you if you’re not gay, or a gay-rights social-justice warrior.
2. Not in English. You have to keep looking at the subtitles because it’s in Surrender-Monkey language with all its out-of-place apostrophes and junk.
3. English, but dubbed.
4. Liberal preachy garbage. This movie wants you to have a certain opinion about current events…which you’re not going to have, since these opinions are contrary to common sense, so it’s a waste of time. ++cough++ Star Trek Save The Whales ++cough++
5. Scary movie that isn’t scary. It just has jump-scares for people who have been guzzling too much Starbucks.
6. An actor who acts just barely well enough to make some good stuff when he is acting under a good director…is acting under a poor director. You will fall asleep before your third beer.
7. Excessive amounts of time chewed up with “pretty people yelling at each other.” If that’s not your thing, this is a waste of your time.
8. The shark, or zombie, has very little screen time. The bulk of the movie is spent on the hopelessness of the plight of the good-looking people trapped on the buoy, or in the shopping mall, by the shark or zombie. Lots of pretty-people-yelling-at-each-other.
9. The “special effects” amount to CGI being used to make a package of Q-tip heads look like millions and millions of people.
10. CONFERENCE ROOM SCENE which is bound to ruin the whole movie.

– – Morgan K. Freeberg at “The Blog That Nobody Reads”

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • ghostsniper July 22, 2017, 12:30 PM

    How about they just cut out all the retarded whispering or low talking?
    Crank it up to 99 to hear what they are saying and then 14 cars crash into the side of the building and the dog peels carpet getting out of the AO and my glasses are knocked sideways.

    If it was made after about 1957 I ain’t innerested…..

  • ahem July 22, 2017, 9:37 PM

    11. Rated GOG – Gogogo Warning. Movie uses the line “Go, go, go!”
    12. Rated NSP – Insipid, tuneless acoustic guitar score sung by a 12 year-old.
    13. Rated WGT – White Guilt Trip. No one admitted without a scourge.

  • John The River July 23, 2017, 6:25 AM

    Saw Dunkirk. Very different, I liked it. They got the uniforms and weapons right. Some of the CGI had holes in it, but OK.

    Then I read that the pro reviews were neutral or negative, due to the lack of minority or female leads. And I decided I liked it better than I thought I did.

  • Dink Newcomb July 23, 2017, 12:43 PM

    ** “… due to the lack of minority or female leads” **
    Yeah, but just wait ’til the politically correct atrocity flick du jour “The Klan– Fighting Against Right” movie is made and all the wimmins and dark hordes find out that there are LOTS of roles besides the lead to provide diversity. It will have my complete attention to see their solution as they will be in hell trying to decide if they should film the ugly truth or if they will do a historical rewrite like they usually do and have the pic starring Denzel Washington and Whitney Houston– hell, she’s already dead so she could even star in either version.

  • ghostsniper July 23, 2017, 5:15 PM

    Speaking of Denzel. My wife Netflicked the Magnificent 7 last week, the new one with him in the lead.
    To be honest he did a good job, but he ain’t no Yul Brynner.
    It couldn’t get over fast enough for me.

    Couple weeks ago I saw a commercial for The Dark Tower and a negro is in the lead. I’m not a Stephen King fan but I read those first 3 books in the early 90’s and liked em and waited 2 years for the next book in the series to come out. But before it did I caught King on a late night talk radio interview and they opened the line to callers, so I called, and got thru, and asked King when he was going to release the 4th book in the Dark Tower series. He sighed and said, “When I finally go back to that place I will probably stay there, so I don’t know when the next book will come out.” It took 10 years for the next one to come out but I had already moved on, never read it.

    Here’s the thing. The main character in the series is Roland and he is SPECIFICALLY a white dood. There are all kinds of threads through the series that are reliant on that fact. To change that primary fact is to change the story and it is no longer Stephen Kings, “The Dark Tower”, is is counterfeit.

    No I won’t see it at the theater and I will not see it on the small screen neither. I’m disgusted King sold out when he heavily implied to me with his own mouth that he had some credence. He does not. Fuk king.

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