Everywhere you go you see “Frequently Asked Questions” scattered about to help you find out what everybody else apparently knows. Nobody, as far as we know, is helping you with the essential questions of life, the Frequently Answered Questions ™.
These are the questions you ask or answer hundreds of times in your life? But do you answer them correctly? Sadly, millions of people do not.
As a public service, we present the first in our ongoing series of answers to Frequently Answered Questions (TM). If you have any Frequently Answered Questions you’d like help with, send them in and our crack staff of out-of-work philosophers, professional wise-guys, cut-rate gurus, and grief counselors between assignments will be happy to enlighten you.
If I light the fuse, should I get away?
If you didn’t believe what was printed on the side, just stand there a few seconds more for the definitive answer.
If you love me still, will you love me moving?
Only if I don’t have to pay for the van.
Am I guilty?
When you put yourself on trial the verdict is always guilty.
Have you driven a Ford lately?
Yes, but only as a $19.99 a day rental.
If you ask this after hearing “Duck!” it’s too late for an answer.
Will I ever learn?
Of course, you will. Just not now. Better luck next time.
Are you a boy or a girl?
A popular insult during the 60s and 70s, this question have been rendered null and void with the rise of the gender-optional generation.
Is it cold enough for you?
Always a heartwarming question since it signals that the depths of winter have been reached and that it is only three short months until the same person will ask, “Is it hot enough for you?”
Who will be my role model when my role model is gone?
Either that man back down the alley or some roly-poly, little bat-faced girl. In either case, you might want to rethink needing a role model.
What would Jesus do?
Why don’t you ask him? He will tell you. The hard part is for you to act on it. Not a bad role model if your role model is gone.
Do you know they refused Jesus too?
You’re not Him.
Are you a Republicrat or Democan?
What were you thinking?
Most often asked of children or erring spouses, there is no real answer since the question clearly implies you were incapable of thought at the time of the incident. Your only hope is that the results do not require the MedEvac chopper.
Are you innocent?
Yes. Everybody in this prison is always innocent. Just ask them.
Are you pregnant?
The tone you use and the situation you are in when you ask this question is more important than the answer. Until you get the answer.
How high’s the moon?
384,400 kilometers. More or less.
Are you registered to vote?
Yes, even if you are only registered on an Internet opinion site.
Are you sure this is safe?
If the answer is “No problem, I’ve done this thousands of times” RUN!
Do you believe in magic?
Yes, but only if the magic’s in the music and the music’s in me.
What will you take for this?
Figure out the most you’d take for it, double it, and accept half.
What’s on your mind?
Oh, yeah? You and what army?
See “Trump, Donald J. v. Kim, Jong Un.”