WHEN in the course of human Events, it becomes necessary….
Frequently Answered Questions ™
byVanderleunonJuly 29, 2018
Everywhere you go you see “Frequently Asked Questions” scattered about to help you find out what everybody else apparently knows. Nobody, as far as we know, is helping you with the essential questions of life, the Frequently Answered Questions ™.
These are the questions you ask or answer hundreds of times in your life? But do you answer them correctly? Sadly, millions of people do not.
If you have any Frequently Answered Questions(tm) you’d like help with, send them in and our crack staff of out-of-work philsophers, professional wise-guys, cut-rate gurus, and grief counselors between assignments will be happy to enlighten you.
Am I guilty?
When you put yourself on trial the verdict is always guilty.
Have you driven a Ford lately?
Yes, but only the rental versions.
What?
If you ask this after hearing “Duck!” it’s too late.
Will I ever learn?
Of course you will. Just not now. Better luck next time.
Are you a boy or a girl?
A popular insult during the 60s and 70s, this question have been rendered null and void with the rise of the gender optional generation.
Is it cold enough for you?
Always a heartwarming question since it signals that the depths of winter have been reached and that it is only three months until the same person will ask, “Is it hot enough for you?”
What would Jesus do?
Whatever Jesus might or might not do, you can make book on the fact that few people will be able to get in the game.
Are you a Republicrat or Democan?
Yes.
What were you thinking?
Most often asked of children or erring spouses, there is no real answer since the question clearly implies you were incapable of thought at the time of the incident. Your only hope is that the results do not require MedEvac.
Are you innocent?
Yes. Everybody in prison is always innocent. Just ask them.
Are you pregnant?
The tone you use and the situation you are in when you ask this question are more important than the answer. Until you get the answer.
How high’s the moon?
384,400 kilometers. More or less.
Are you registered to vote?
Yes, even if you are only registered on an internet opinion site.
Are you sure this is safe?
If the answer is “No problem, I’ve done this thousand’s of times” prepare for disaster.
Do you believe in magic?
Yes, but only if the magic’s in the music and the music’s in me.
What will you take for this?
Figure out the most you’d take for it, double it, and accept half.
Similar to “Is this safe?” The boss asks if a change I was about to make to the university mainframe OS, was risky. “It’s not rocket science”, I replied. Then the computer was down for two hours while I remembered what I had forgotten.
BillHJuly 29, 2018, 9:53 AM
What three things are most useless to an aviator?
1. Runway behind you. 2. Altitude above you. 3. Airspeed you gave up gawking at the scenery on final.
rabbit tobaccoJuly 29, 2018, 10:20 AM
another question: If I do not get it from myself,where will I go for It?
FredJuly 29, 2018, 11:29 AM
What would Jesus do?
This is the wrong question. What did Jesus do? is the correct one.
Also: Q; Why does nobody read Proverbs and Ecclesiastes anymore? A; Because they know it all, or so they thought.
Dr. JayJuly 29, 2018, 11:52 AM
Have you tried not being retarded? . . . Upon reflection, that’s seems to be more of an answer to those Frequently Asked Questions.
Snakepit KansasJuly 29, 2018, 11:53 AM
If those three gears in the noodle are all meshed with each other, they will not turn.
Ray Van DuneJuly 29, 2018, 12:14 PM
Why am I in this handbasket, and where is it going so fast?!
PhlodaJuly 29, 2018, 3:34 PM
Does this smell funny to you?
(Walking away) No hablo Espanol.
DpJuly 29, 2018, 4:13 PM
“What would Jesus do?”
I don’t know. Why don’t you ask him?
DoubletroubleJuly 29, 2018, 4:36 PM
I always like the answer to WWJD?…
“Well, trashing the furniture, dumping everything over, & whipping people with cords isn’t out of the question”.
ghostsniperJuly 29, 2018, 5:51 PM
Dr Jay LOL
Have you tried not being retarded?
That seems to be a question that answers itself.
There was once this exchange of Great Questions between my brother and me after we’d finished a joint.
Me: “I don’ know… You know?
Brother: Yeah. I know what you mean.
Gets heavy like that sometimes.
JWM
ghostsniperAugust 2, 2018, 11:40 AM
Via and me finished one up and were melting down in our chairs, mesmerized by Roy Underhill describing the shaving horse and the draw knife. Roy drew the knife down the wood and turned to the camera and said to avoid shaving knotted wood, advice given to him by his half brother, with a little grin. Me and Via spent the next hour nonstop laughing. Yeah, heavy.
Real World Address for Donations, Mash Notes and Hate Mail
Gerard Van der Leun
1692 MANGROVE AVE
APT 379
Chico, Ca 95926
Green Pants Interior by Klahn
Who Am I? by Carl Sandburg
My head knocks against the stars.
My feet are on the hilltops.
My finger-tips are in the valleys and shores of universal life.
Down in the sounding foam of primal things I reach my hands and play with pebbles of destiny.
I have been to hell and back many times.
I know all about heaven, for I have talked with God.
I dabble in the blood and guts of the terrible.
I know the passionate seizure of beauty
And the marvelous rebellion of man at all signs reading “Keep Off.”
My name is Truth and I am the most elusive captive in the universe.
Duty, Beauty, Liberty, Country, Honor, Family, Faith — Plus a few simple easy to follow rules for guys
Men saw the stars at the edge of the sea
They thought great thoughts about liberty
Poets wrote down words that did fit
Writers wrote books
Thinkers thought about it
Take it where you find it
Can’t leave it alone
You will find a purpose
To carry it on
Mainly when you find it
Your heart will be strong
About it
Many’s the road I have walked upon
Many’s the hour between dusk and dawn
Many’s the time
Many’s the mile
I see it all now
Through the eyes of a child
Take it where you find it
Can’t leave it alone
You will find a purpose
To carry it on
Mainly when you find it
Your heart will be strong
About it
[Chorus]
Lost dreams and found dreams
In America
In America
In America
Lost dreams and found dreams
In America
In America
In America
And close your eyes
Leave it all for a while
Leave the world
And your worries behind
You will build on whatever is real
And wake up each day
To a new waking dream
Take it where you find it
Can’t leave it alone
You will find a purpose
To carry it on
Mainly when you find it
Your heart will be strong
About it
[Chorus]
Change, change come over
Change come over
Talkin’ about a change
Change, change
Change come over, now
Change, change, change come over
I’m gonna walk down the street
Until I see
My shining light
I’m gonna walk down the street
Until I see
My shining light
I’m gonna walk down the street
Until I see
My shining light
I’m gonna walk down the street
Until I see
My shining light
I see my light
See my light
See my shining light
I see my light
See my light
See my shining light
Gerard Van der Leun
Comments on this entry are closed.
Similar to “Is this safe?” The boss asks if a change I was about to make to the university mainframe OS, was risky. “It’s not rocket science”, I replied. Then the computer was down for two hours while I remembered what I had forgotten.
What three things are most useless to an aviator?
1. Runway behind you. 2. Altitude above you. 3. Airspeed you gave up gawking at the scenery on final.
another question: If I do not get it from myself,where will I go for It?
What would Jesus do?
This is the wrong question. What did Jesus do? is the correct one.
Also: Q; Why does nobody read Proverbs and Ecclesiastes anymore? A; Because they know it all, or so they thought.
Have you tried not being retarded? . . . Upon reflection, that’s seems to be more of an answer to those Frequently Asked Questions.
If those three gears in the noodle are all meshed with each other, they will not turn.
Why am I in this handbasket, and where is it going so fast?!
Does this smell funny to you?
(Walking away) No hablo Espanol.
“What would Jesus do?”
I don’t know. Why don’t you ask him?
I always like the answer to WWJD?…
“Well, trashing the furniture, dumping everything over, & whipping people with cords isn’t out of the question”.
Dr Jay LOL
Have you tried not being retarded?
That seems to be a question that answers itself.
Her: “Do whatever you want!”
Him: (Do NOT do whatever you wanted to do!)
Huh?
(question asked right after he hands you his beer…)
Will it hurt?
& then there’s the answer with an always predictable result: “Hold my beer.”
There was once this exchange of Great Questions between my brother and me after we’d finished a joint.
Me: “I don’ know… You know?
Brother: Yeah. I know what you mean.
Gets heavy like that sometimes.
JWM
Via and me finished one up and were melting down in our chairs, mesmerized by Roy Underhill describing the shaving horse and the draw knife. Roy drew the knife down the wood and turned to the camera and said to avoid shaving knotted wood, advice given to him by his half brother, with a little grin. Me and Via spent the next hour nonstop laughing. Yeah, heavy.