1. We admitted we were powerless over overspending—that our $28 trillion national bar tab had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that increasing taxes two times greater than all those currently levied could restore us to solvency.
3. Made a decision in that Slough of Despond to turn our nation and our lives over to the care of Socialism as we understood it, but this time done right.
4. Made a searching and fearless inventory of all the gold actually left in the vaults of the Fed and Fort Knox and found two nuggets worth $325.99.
5. Admitted to voters, to the Federal Reserve, and to all eternal Government bureaucracies the exact nature of our bankruptcy and appeared in a barrel on The View for sexual reassignment surgery live on the air.
6. Were entirely ready to have the Fed print infinite money on whatever paper they could get at a case discount down at Staples.
7. Humbly asked the voters to give us all their money, their IRAs, title to their vacation homes, and rights to all organs not previously in hock to China.
8. Made a list of all persons that still had something squirreled away, and became willing to send in the National Guard to dig up their backyards and basements.
9. Made direct promises to replace any precious metals or gems found in private hands with paper money, ten cents on the dollar, to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would require a cash award of more than $49.98.
10. Continued to search for hidden assets and when we found them promptly seized them.
11. Sought through Universal Health Care and reducing the military to improve our nation until it resembled Great Britain in real power and influence, and confiscated all guns and ammunition we could lay our hands on to keep pesky disagreements with the National Guard on a name-calling basis, praying only for a disarmed, dispirited, depressed and Universally Medicated citizenry and for the power to rule over them.
12. Having had a rebirth of the Soviet Union under Stalin as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to any remaining free societies and to practice these principles in all our affairs.