I’m Captain Kink. I’m Mister Scratch.
I’m your smiling, deathless dentist, Doctor Pain.
I’ve owned the Earth since Adam’s birth,
And co-authored the book on raising Cain.
But you learned too well my old hard sell;
How I used to tempt your souls with sin and tonic.
And since out-of-date spells don’t populate Hell,
I’m gone post-modern, solid-state, and ultrasonic.
I’m that modern manufacturer
Who swung Liz Borden’s ax for her.
I gave you Neutron Bombs and Asian Flu.
I’ve got old friends in the Senate
(Why so many I may just rent it,
And, for my summer place, the Kremlin too.).
So when your puny little wars get out of hand,
Just sign in blood and, baby, I’m your man.
Don’t you look for any favors from the blessed.
God’s angels will just confuse you,
Shame you, bore you, and abuse you.
(They might even convince you life’s a mess.)
I’m never that judgmental.
In fact, I’m rather sentimental.
When time’s get tough I’ll be your only hope.
I’ll hold your hand and guide you,
In that darkest dawn, I’m right beside you.
(And you know I’ve always got the finest dope.)
So if doing good is looking…
And being sweet is tasting…
A bit stale,
And you’ve got the yen to try…
A little starkness,
Just give me one short call,
You’ll have no worries left at all,
When you sign on with Kink,
the Prince of Darkness….
Yes, I’m the Prince of Darkness!
I’m the one that does it all!
I’m the worm that ate the apple,
And I engineered the Fall!
I raise the price of Mideast oil.
I’m the cause of headache pain.
I’m the master of your daily toil.
I put your cake out in the rain!
I make damn sure that nothing nice
Is ever really done.
I’m Mister Scratch, I’m Captain Kink,
I have all the fun!
I developed polyester clothes,
And do-it-yourself divorce.
I’m the master of adultery,
And the excess use of force.
Torture is my daily bread.
Causing cancer’s just my meat.
I poke holes in supertankers,
And drop dogshit on the street.
I’m the Prince of your own Darkness,
A swinging spirit of the mist.
I created Sociology,
And “Leading Economists.”
I even (No applause please)
Funded The Exorcist.
I’m your occult sugar daddy.
You’re my juicy jelly roll.
I produce the TV talk shows.
I’m the King of Rap and Roll.
When I’ve a mortgage on your life.
I’ll foreclose it on your soul.
And if you think you’ve got me beat,
And can really live those good intentions —
Like brushing after every meal
And never eating meat,
Or playing fair, or smoking less,
Or relaxing global tensions —
Don’t brag and say,
“Hey, ain’t life sweet?”,
Cause I’ll just whip up some new inventions…
… Like advertising, television,
Global Warming, or Prohibition,
(It’s all in a day’s work to me, you see)
Or Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama
(They’ve season tickets to my sauna).
It’s clear this job will be the death of me.
I introduced Yoko and Juan.
I even elected Kennedy, John,
And followed him up with Jimmy, Willy, and Barry.
I’ve done plagues and piles and itchy feet,
Afghanistan and New York streets.
There’s still more up my sleeve, hey, are you ready?
Oh, I’m that bloody Prince of Darkness
Who’s shoved the World out on the brink.
I’m flashy Nick! I’m Super Scratch!
But you can call me Captain Kink.
What you throw into the ocean
comes back home with the tide.
Life’s just a play! Live for the day!
And so long, suckers, thanks for the ride.