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The Last Straw (Updated and bumped for the new sttel straw lethality factor)

So I am out and about in this college town which is clotted on every street downtown with some sort of current PC cucksanity… and I stop into a non-Starbucks for a cup o’ joe at, what, twenty cents a sip now? It’s a nice place if a bit pricey, but it is very, very correct. Politically, that is.

As you may remember, the blow struck against global warming/cooling/moisting/changing by California this year was to ban automatic straw giving in restaurants. You can (for now) still have a straw but you have to ask for it. This has something to do with something in the pea-sized brains of the climatecucks. I guess it is to battle the booming carbon footprints of India, China, Africa, etc. We only get straws on request in California because it stops the ice caps melting faster than the Indian, Chinese, and African exploding populations who all want stoves, cars, refrigerators, air conditioning can do it. Right? Right.

Anyway, I go up to pay for the coffee and I see this on the counter:

This is the ultimate “I Care About the Precious Earth” accessory. You buy it once for two bucks and tote it around in your purse or pocket or ass so you can whip it out in other restaurants and others in your karass of demented yokels can marvel at your caring. Then y ou also buy, for one buck, that little straw reamer so you can shove it into the straw and whip out any evil germs that may otherwise grow crusty within.

On what planet is this product created? First, you have to have the meeting and actually decide to have these fabricated out of stainless steel. (Not cheap.) Then you have to have a distribution and sales force to go out into the world and palm these chunks of shit off on shopkeepers sure enough of the enviro-dementia of their clientele to order a handful. Then there’s some paperwork for the selling of it to the store. Then the store makes a cute gurly sign and sets it out, with pride, on the counter. And then, mirabile dictu, some of them are actually sold — either to gurls or to men in drag identifying as women.


And speaking of men identifying as women or women identifying as men, we have this report of the lethality of these killer straws.  [HT: Commentor Al]

Dorset woman died when she fell onto an eco-friendly metal straw | Daily Mail Online

Elena Struthers-Gardner, 60, suffered horrific brain injuries in the freak accident. She was carrying a mason jar glass with a screw-top lid when she fell in her home. The 10inch stainless steel straw entered her left eye socket and pierced her brain. She was found lying on the kitchen floor in Poole, Dorset by civil partner Mandy

The inquest heard she had suffered with mobility difficulties following a horse riding accident when she was 21-years-old.

Following a reduction in her high levels of fentanyl pain medication, she had become alcohol dependent.

In the months leading up to her death, she had been drinking around half a litre of vodka a day, mixed with orange juice, from the mason jar cup, using the metal straws which were a birthday gift.

Due to severe pain from her riding accident, which caused multiple fracutres to Mrs Struthers-Gardner’s lumbar spine and caused scoliosis, she was prone to falling over, collapsing ‘like a sack of potatoes’ at random intervals, her wife added.

‘There was no alcohol present in the urine sample so intoxication did not contribute to the fall.’

He added: ‘Clearly great care should be taken taken when using these metal straws.

‘There is no give in them at all. If someone does fall on one and it’s pointed in the wrong direction, serious injury can occur.

The whole process brings to mind this lucid moment from Blazing Saddles:

{ 27 comments… add one }
  • ghostsniper July 6, 2019, 6:58 PM

    That stuff’s been around for decades at least. In about 1981 I bought a Paasche VL airbrush and a Binks spray gun and an accessory kit came with it that included some brushes, one of which looks just like that, and a couple stainless extension tubes with rubber connectors. Went back a couple weeks later and bought an Aztek airbrush. So yeah, you can go into a Horror Fright anywhere and grab accessory kits off the wall and be cool like your kuck frenz. If I was to carry one out in public anywhere it would be for the sole purpose of jamming it up to the hilt in the eye socket of any whiney assed kuck regardless of it’s identified gender and then yanking it sideways and snapping it off.

  • Auntie Analogue July 6, 2019, 11:02 PM

    Save yourself two bucks. Ask for & get a plastic straw, spend a buck for the straw-cleaner-bore-brush, then keep and reuse the plastic straw that you keep on cleaning with the straw-cleaner-bore-brush.

    That’ll show ’em!

    Remember spiral-wound paper straws that, not long after being beverage-wetted on the inside and lip-wetted on the outside, collapsed at their tip, which rendered their continued use impossible?

    Those stainless steel straws, or aluminum ones of similar dimensions, were sold years ago as pea shooters. If I recall accurately a whole one-pound bag of peas cost 11¢ at the A&P. At that price you could spend the entire day blowing your brains out.

  • Mike Anderson July 7, 2019, 5:36 AM

    “and I stop into a non-Starbucks for a cup o’ joe at, what, twenty cents a sip now? It’s a nice place if a bit pricey, but it is very, very correct.”

    I’m still using an old Chemex rig purchased in a rare fit of foresight back in college, so my coffee runs about a penny a sip. Which apparently makes me some sort of financial genius. By way of confirmation, I see grown men shuffling to their offices every morning with a $5 Starbux in hand, usually while I’m headed for the office Keurig with my (2¢ a sip) K-cup in hand. And now these geniuses are walking around with a $3 reusable drinking straw rig? Got woke, going broke, indeed.

  • Chris July 7, 2019, 5:43 AM

    And who in wholly hell drinks coffee through a straw?
    Heroin addicts maybe? I could see something like that being useful back in the day, ya know
    Eight-balls and all that….
    CIII

  • Roy Lofquist July 7, 2019, 5:43 AM

    It must have been 40 years ago. I was having lunch at a Denny’s in Phoenix. On the table was a little placard saying that they served water only on request because we live in a desert and blah, blah, blah. On the table in front of me was that day’s Arizona Republic. The front page was devoted to a list of the bridges that had been washed out by the 200 year flood that was coursing down the Salt River through the center of town.

  • Brad July 7, 2019, 7:01 AM

    Another downtown Chico coffee shop for the last couple of weeks had the paper straws out in place of the plastic ones that they usually had. I use a straw for drinking my cold brew coffee. I was there yesterday and the paper straws were gone, the plastic straws were back. There is nothing worse than paper sitting in liquid for more than a minute.

  • jwm July 7, 2019, 7:06 AM

    You can smoke a joint through a stainless steel straw. And it works if you want to snort some coke or some smack. You can also use it for some mean ass graffiti scraping the finish off the table, or the paint in the bathroom stall. Useful, and ecological all at once.

    JWM

  • ghostsniper July 7, 2019, 7:38 AM

    OK, I can see that I obviously need to do a roadtrip. First, I’ll run over to Chris’s joint and grab a 6pak of eightballs, 3 boy and 3 gurl, and uh, Chris, can I get a play?

    Then down to JWM’s place and get some current skoolin on the benefits and advantages of partaking some lacy sinse through a straw. Couple daze of nappin on the Strand then a b-line back here to the stix. That ought to take the wind outta my sail for a few months.

  • Patvann July 7, 2019, 1:00 PM

    At any Safeway, or Dollar Store, one can get boxes of plastic straws by the hundreds…For a few bucks….

    Before entering your next local Favorite Facististic Food Fetishing Phuque’s place of: “Correction-of-thought-vis-a-vie subpar substances”, place 50 or so of your Straws-of-Freedom in your back pocket, and hand 2 to everyone in the joint, AFTER you get your life-affirming caffeinic fix…

    Then when yer done recharging your soul, let everybody watch you throw your remaining “40 some-odd Straws of Ill temperament and Sin” away, in their own garbage can….

    Be sure to ask (loudly) if plastics have a different bin, and then put the remaining Tools of Satan in their Holy Vestibule of Bad Carbonchains, with great flourish, aplomb, and mannerism.
    Talking in Tongues during this step might add to the experience for all involved.

    Shit…I’ll do it for just the price of getting to a cup of coffee with you.
    (I’ll bring some from 7-11 first. 😉 )
    -I’ll buy. You get to simply watch.

  • Jewel July 7, 2019, 1:53 PM

    My, what an interesting thread. Almost wish I’d brung some popcorn. Unpopped. Could use me a nice, sturdy stainless steel shooter. No need for the brush, though.
    I could probably shoot someone’s eye out.
    If I was real careful.

  • Jeff Brokaw July 7, 2019, 2:34 PM

    What, you don’t want to save the world? That’s kinda rude, man!!

  • Chris July 7, 2019, 3:27 PM

    Come on over GS 🙂
    You’ll love Schuylkill County..
    CIII

  • Lance de Boyle July 7, 2019, 5:27 PM

    Down heeyah in Ligature Marks, Looziana, we don’ drink our Double-Diesel Latte with any o’ them fairy straws. Nosir. We suck our mojo juice up a radiator hose pipe off’n Granny LaDeux’s (Granny with one eye dangling on her cheek out’n its socket) ’49 Ford, or maybe an old muffler. An’ if any femboy looks at us funny, we tie him up good and use him for gator bait. That’s what we do. Pussy straws!

  • MOTUS July 8, 2019, 4:26 AM

    Skip all the straws and roll your “coke Benjamin” the long way. It’s sustainable and gives your beverage a little extra zing!

  • Al July 8, 2019, 8:05 AM
  • toby miles July 8, 2019, 12:50 PM

    next week they’ll have accessories for them.
    crack pipe bowl attachment
    gucci carrying case

  • CC July 8, 2019, 1:39 PM

    Pretty sure more cocaine than coffee will go through those straws….

  • jwm July 8, 2019, 4:27 PM

    “Great care should be taken when using these metal straws.”
    I guess.
    Starbucks should require safety helmets and protective goggles.

    JWM

  • Jesse July 8, 2019, 8:40 PM

    In the 80s McDonald’s dropped their stirring spoons because we weren’t using them to stir sugar.
    The Infinite Mushroom sold metal ones. Bling baby.

  • Nori July 8, 2019, 9:47 PM

    That stainless steel straw killed a retired female jockey in the UK.

    Words fail me.

  • Rick Lakehomer July 8, 2019, 10:38 PM

    Just once again proves that being eco-stoopid is hazardous to your health.

  • Casey Klahn July 9, 2019, 12:08 AM

    FFS

  • Lyla July 9, 2019, 2:00 AM

    Hilarious

  • Julie A Pascal July 9, 2019, 8:26 AM

    Someone asked “who drinks coffee with a straw”… mostly people with physical disabilities and mobility issues, anyone who shakes and doesn’t want to spill.

    Advocates for the handicapped have been opposed to plastic straw bans from the beginning because some people need straws and a lot of those people will find a steel straw unsafe for the same reason that they needed a plastic one.

  • James ONeil July 9, 2019, 9:35 AM

    Metal straw? If it saves the life of one sea turtle, it’s worth it! (Alas I suspect, even here, it’s necessary to note my comment is simply sarcasm, )

  • pbird July 10, 2019, 8:24 AM

    Friends don’t let friends use the stupid “word” “cuck”.

  • pbird July 10, 2019, 8:25 AM

    It sounds like something called something similar if the end pointed up like a little snout.

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