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The Greatest and Most Boring Car In the Known Universe

I once owned a 1988 Toyota Camry with a stick shift. I owned it for over 100,000 miles. The bill for repairs and regular maintanence never topped topped $350. It was the best car I ever owned and it bored me so much I was compelled to sell it. This guy on Craigslist knows what I endured….

The 1999 Toyota Corolla. Let’s talk about features.
Bluetooth: nope
Sunroof: nope
Fancy wheels: nope
Rear view camera: nope…but it’s got a transparent rear window and you have a fucking neck that can turn.

Let me tell you a story. One day my Corolla started making a strange sound. I didn’t give a shit and ignored it. It went away. The End.

You could take the engine out of this car, drop it off the Golden Gate Bridge, fish it out of the water a thousand years later, put it in the trunk of the car, fill the gas tank up with Nutella, turn the key, and this puppy would fucking start right up.

This car will outlive you, it will outlive your children.

Things this car is old enough to do:
Vote: yes
Consent to sex: yes
Rent a car: it IS a car

This car’s got history. It’s seen some shit. People have done straight things in this car. People have done gay things in this car. It’s not going to judge you like a fucking Volkswagen would.

Interesting facts:
This car’s exterior color is gray, but it’s interior color is grey.
In the owner’s manual, oil is listed as “optional.”

Alert the Authorities!

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • BillH May 3, 2018, 12:55 PM

    I have a ’98 I bought for business, then retired, now my wife drives it. She won’t buy a new one; none of them can equal the old Camry for comfort and being easy to drive. It still sounds and rides like new, looks a whole lot less than new.

  • Harry May 3, 2018, 3:07 PM

    The best car I ever owned was a 5-speed 1980 Toyota Carolla. In 80,000 miles the only major repairs were replacing the master cylinder and an accidentally punctured gas tank. I sold it to a friend who drove it for another 40,000 miles and then offered to sell it back to me. It still ran great.

  • Mike G. May 3, 2018, 4:00 PM

    I’ve had two Toyotas over the years, an early 80’s Corolla and an early 80’s truck with the box body on it. Both went over 200,000 miles. The Corolla I left with my first wife when we parted ways. I think the only money I spent on it was a new timing belt/ chain, which me and a buddy replaced ourselves.

    The truck’s motor gave up the ghost at about 225,000. I put a used motor back in it and got another 30,000 out of it before I wrecked it and eventually sold it, sans box, which I sold to someone else. After the wreck, I drove it a couple of times, but I couldn’t drive it at night. Hell, you could use it for “Coon” hunting at night. The one headlight pointed up into the trees. You could see birds roosting at night.

  • John The River May 3, 2018, 5:00 PM

    I have a 2003 Honda Element in the garage, can’t bear to part with it.

    When I needed a new car with better mileage I bought a Toyota Camry (2012), it was three years old and only driven on weekends by a little old man. 8,000 miles on it.
    When I told my buddy what I had done he replied “A Camry? Thats boring!”.

    It is. All I’ve done since I bought it is put gas and oil into it.

    But if Honda starts making the Element again I’ll buy another one so fast your head would spin.

  • Snakepit Kansas May 3, 2018, 6:03 PM

    I’ve done pretty well with my 1994 Mazda B4000/Ford Ranger. It says Mazda on the outside and Ford on the inside. Repairs have been minimal for as much as I have driven it. 180K+ hard miles, the ~4 liter V6 still gets 20MPG. AC and 4X4 work. I can change the oil blind folded. I unwittingly hauled just over 2K lbs. of bricks from Menards with it and no leaf springs broke. That truck will go anywhere.

  • Fred May 3, 2018, 7:04 PM

    I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Thanks for that. man oh man!

    True story; I once wrecked a corolla into a ditch at 2am. It was half in the ditch and half on the road with smashing and gashing and tearing sounds like a cat with it’s tail shut in a door. And I just kept driving up out of the ditch bouncing and smashing. Stuff was dragging on the road from underneath the car, and the screeching, it was awful. But I tell you what; It didn’t give a shit about that ditch, stuff dragging on the roadway or the fact that I drove it another 5000 miles with the oil pan all busted up. It never did need to be aligned. (Never stop moving in a corolla, if your still moving, you’re going home that night)

    On another occasion I hit a 12 inch curb. Not those kind you can drive up on but a 12 inch right angle curb. It smashed the front wheel denting it all up but I just drove away with a smashed up wheel and it didn’t lose one pound of air pressure in the tire. Took my hands off the wheel and it still didn’t need to be re-aligned. It didn’t give two shits about some concrete 12 inch barrier curb. (Never stop moving in a corolla, if your still moving, you’re going home that night)

    Those things are freakin’ tanks.

  • fodderwing May 3, 2018, 7:26 PM

    Lemme join the fun. I’ve got a twenty five year old ’93 5speed Corolla with 269,000 miles. She’s our “beach buggy” as she doesn’t mind the sand and salt all that much. Starting to need a clutch (been through two) and I will probably spring for it as I would for any member of the family. Love this car. Might be a fetish.

  • Larry Geiger May 4, 2018, 6:19 AM

    1977 Toyota Celica. Drove until it got handed down to the son in high school. He drove it all over the place. Sold it in about 2000. Put a water pump in it. Maybe an alternator. Had it pulled out of a lake (at 1:30am after my son finally called about why he wasn’t home yet).

  • Redacted May 4, 2018, 6:29 AM

    Counterpoint: I had 3 Toyotas, a 69 Corolla Sta wag, 84 Tercel wagon, and 87 SR5 truck. All had issues. The 69 had dodgy electrics and burnt its head. The Tercel had a funky carburator and bad wheel bearings. The truck blew the transmission, burnt its head, and had a lousy paint job. Apart from that they were great cars. 43 mpg with the 69, 28 mpg with the truck.

  • Gordon May 4, 2018, 7:26 AM

    I have a 2004 Pontiac Vibe, which is a Toyota Matrix. It has 250,000 miles and shows no sign of any issues. Alignment now and then, oil, and I think the timing belt, once, but that may have been the other vehicle. People pull up next to me in Vibes and yell, “Like your Vibe?” We compare miles the way guys compare, well, stuff. It is not great on a slippery hill–the front end gets light, and it won’t climb. But it runs and runs and runs, and it’s comfortable in the front AND in the back, for adults.

    But yah, it is so boring.

    Didn’t Top Gear do an episode with an old Toyota pickup? They left it on a beach, the tide came in, the tide went out, it started up and drove away. They pushed it down a gigantic flight of stairs, and it started up and drove away. They used a crane to put it on top of a building, then blew up the building, and found the pickup, started it up and drove it away.

  • Gordon May 4, 2018, 7:28 AM

    Oh–the Vibe does eat headlights. It has daytime running lights, which means they are on all the time because the sensor is hinky. So I have changed many, many bulbs. I am skilled enough now to change the bulb in front of the battery without disconnecting and moving the battery, and that’s some cortortion for your hand.

  • Jeff Z May 4, 2018, 10:24 AM

    ’75 Chevy Nova. Sometimes it would make an odd noise or the engine would sound off…fine by morning. Blizzard of ’78 was the best. Went to the parking lot, dug down about 6 inches, hit the roof. Three months later, when the snow finally melted, we got notices to go the lot and have our cars towed. Sure enough, when I got there that’s just what everyone did. Except me. Sat in the seat, pumped the gas, turned the key, and drove off.

  • pbird May 4, 2018, 11:46 AM

    2005 Honda Element here. Standard transmission. Will never part with it. Previous car was a 1990 Accord. It was still running just fine with over 200,000 miles when we let it go.

  • Eskyman May 4, 2018, 1:20 PM

    The ’89 Corolla that I had was hands-down the best car I’ve ever had (though I loved my Citroen ID19, which was by far the quietest and most comfortable- but which broke down regularly.)

    That Corolla never missed a beat. As you say, put in gas & occasionally change the oil (mine didn’t burn any, and there was never a drip under the car, like there is constantly with my ’98 Buick.) I really liked the ventilation system and the fact that I could roll a window down without being blown out of the car (why can’t American cars get this right?) Even the cup-holders were well designed.

    Exciting, no. Reliable, absolutely! I wish I had it now.

    But as they say- “that was in another country, and besides, the wench is dead.”

  • Jeff Brokaw May 5, 2018, 6:24 AM

    I LOL’d several times, that is priceless, and only a slight exaggeration! Thanks for the laughs Mr V!

  • Ray May 5, 2018, 8:40 AM

    “This car will outlive you, it will outlive your children.”
    Wrong! I had two Toyota Camry’s. One for me and one for the wife. The wife managed to destroy her Camry in about 5 years. No car can survive her for long. My car has over 300,000 miles on it and refuses to die. I think it keeps running to spite me.