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So Sorry: My Boilerplate Apology to Demented Americans I Have Offended, Am Offending, or Will Offend

“I’m sorry too, Dimitri. I’m very sorry. Alright! You’re sorrier than I am! But I am sorry as well. I am as sorry as you are, Dimitri. Don’t say that you are more sorry than I am, because I am capable of being just as sorry as you are. So we’re both sorry, alright? Alright.” — President Muffley on the phone with Premier Kissoff in “Dr. Strangelove”

I begin by noting that at present, as so often in the past, I’m sorry. Yes, I am very, very sorry. It was all my fault and I am sorry for it all.

I am sorry, as always, for what I said. It was thoughtless and rude. It wasn’t really what I meant or felt in my heart. Many have taken my remarks to mean other than what I said. So true. Even I   meant them to mean other than what they meant when I said them. 

Well, the damage is done and I can’t undo the past.

All I can do is stand here strapped in the pillory of the present as all those whom I have so wrongly and without malice slandered cry like the little girly-men they are; yes, even the girls. Their pain is now my pain. I cringe to see them writhe with the bleeding agony as those raw wounds I ripped open by my harsh and unconsidered remarks are keel-hauled through ten cubic feet of table salt mixed into a horse trough of vinegar. I know that’s gotta smart.

I feel really bad about this. I feel even worse that I, through my abject failure to realize how deeply the dull hatchet of my speech would chop into them — even, yea, down to the living blue-veined bone — that I simply stood by and allowed the searing acid of my senseless scorn to pour without limit into their raw and festering souls. I am, as I said, deeply sorry — and feel bad besides.

Also, should the forensics prove unhelpful to my case, I would like to say for the record, that I did not know the gun was loaded.

I have listened to America whinging. I have heard the rising torrent of justifiable outrage at every rising bubble of flatulent un-pc remarks breaking beneath the body politic; the howls of those whose most sacred, festering and inane ideological beliefs I have eviscerated with the chain-saw of my words. I have heard the skin-shuddering shrieks of those who have been sliced into bloody gobbets of flesh by my razor keen remarks. Though I am unworthy to feel that pain, I feel it still as if it were a red-hot 3/4 inch Makita drill bit driven into the base of my skull and left there set on “Wash-Rinse-Repeat.”

To these wounded souls I offer, in deep and abject humility — since I am, because I spoke those hurtful, hurtful words, lower than a cockroach’s stool stuck to the bottom of a homeless hermit’s shabby sandal in the storm drains of Las Vegas — I offer these tender buttons, these delicate little bunnies, my most sincere if unworthy apology.

Indeed, we live in such a craven, soft, moist and testosterone-lite society that it would be wise for all of us not pre-approved for punditry to always be apologizing for something you either have said or may say. In America these days we are a bunch of sorry sons-of-bitches — male or female — and we’d best be saying we’re sorry all the time.

So, well, I am sorry. I apologize.

I didn’t think about what I said when I said it. I hurt feelings when all I meant to do was to either maim, kill, or tenderize the pate from which they poured. I deeply regret that I diminished your self-esteem below the absolute zero you own life has reduced it to. I regret even more that I left you alive and able to talk to the news media over the noise of your sucking chest wound.

Since, alas, the ER  has determined that you will live, please accept these following sentiments as my boilerplate apology, and remember to refer to them often in the decades to come:

I come to you today penitent, conscience-stricken, regretful and contrite. I have been touched by your pain and deeply regret my words. I repent them with every shred of my soul. I am, for having hurt your feelings and bruised your tender buttons, a base and abject man mortified by my cheesy, contemptible, insignificant,. shabby, small, and pathetic being. I know now the low things I have said and I am filled with remorse, melancholy, and self-reproach. If I could have myself flogged fleshless by an flock of crack-smoking Carmelite nuns on steroids, I would do so. But I can’t locate those sisters right now, so I must continue to apologize.

I therefore continue to apologize.

I am so wretched to have said the bad words to you. They may well have been true, but I forgot that your feelings, no matter how puerile, always trump the truth in this world. So I admit that even though they were true, my words were unworthy of me and hurtful to you. I see your raw suppurating feelings oozing to the top of your mind and erupting from your mouth wrapped around your screams. I shall carry that Polaroid with me for the rest of my days right next to the organ donor card in my wallet. Can I fill one out for you?

But I digress.

I am compelled by my inner idiot to say that I bleed for you, wish only to console you, empathize with you, and open my heart in an anguished lament that my words, wittingly or unwittingly, have raised upon your soul these suppurating chancres of your existential distress. It is my hope you will allow me to lance them and to bandage them in the iodine soaked cloth of a this apology.

I come before you today an abashed, chagrined, conscience stricken, guilty, shamed, demeaned, crestfallen, humiliated, penitent and mortified man. I can only seek, humbly, that one thing that will make me whole again after ripping the flesh of your feelings so senselessly. That one thing is the infinite balm of your acceptance of this, my guilty apology, and your forgiveness.

In this I hope to be resurrected to the realm of the acceptably human. I live in this hope because I have a deep and abiding faith that although I am really, really sorry, you are the one person in the universe who is a sorrier son-of-a-bitch than I am.

Thank you for letting me share.

Suitable for Memes and Emailing to Those You Have or Will Offend

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Comments on this entry are closed.

  • John A. Fleming December 19, 2017, 12:28 PM

    Laying it on thick there, eh GVDL? “Ridicule is man’s most potent weapon.”

    If I may, I’m a cheerleader for the opposite. Never apologize, never explain! If you f’ed up and get called out on it, admit it and take the deserved lumps.

  • Sven December 19, 2017, 12:49 PM

    Mistakes were made. If anyone was offended by my remarks/actions/fondling I regret it. If anyone had told me these things were wrong, they wouldn’t have happened. However, my recollection differs from that of my accusers. Can’t we all just get along? Time to move on.

  • tim December 19, 2017, 1:08 PM

    What else should I be
    All apologies
    What else could I say
    Everyone is gay
    What else could I write
    I don’t have the right
    What else should I be
    All apologies

    In the sun
    In the sun I feel as one
    In the sun
    In the sun
    I’m married
    Buried

    I wish I was like you
    Easily amused
    Find my nest of salt
    Everything is my fault
    I’ll take all the blame
    Aqua seafoam shame
    Sunburn with freezeburn
    Choking on the ashes of her enemy

    In the sun
    In the sun I feel as one
    In the sun
    In the sun
    Married, married, married!
    Buried!
    Yeah yeah yeah yeah

    All in all is all we are [x20]

    “All Apologies”
    Nirvana
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aWmkuH1k7uA

  • Rob De Witt December 19, 2017, 2:18 PM
  • Dr. Mabuse December 19, 2017, 3:13 PM

    I was listening to some Brahms on the radio yesterday, and the announcer said that Brahms was a prickly, unpleasant guy, and hard to be with.

    “If there is anyone here I have failed to insult, I offer him my apologies,” said Brahms on one occasion, as he was leaving a party.

  • Lynne Wolfe December 19, 2017, 5:24 PM

    I love this, GV! Insults are only words, the opinions of someone who does not like you or takes exception to you for something. It could be the color of your hair, your eyes, your ethnicity, your sexual identity – a thousand things! But yes, we must all be forever sorry. Until we grow a set of balls and start smacking people around.

  • Howard Nelson December 19, 2017, 7:34 PM

    GVDL, you will be severely bastinadoed for your
    contumacious arrogance masquerading as sniveling subservience. The true effete elites among us, troglodytes and true, take your simpering and whimpering as a salute to our cowering and showering in shame and infamy.
    Thank you for showing us the way.

  • Snakepit Kansas December 20, 2017, 5:04 AM

    That was on hell of an apology.

  • Nori December 20, 2017, 5:35 AM

    The Penitent Puppy-eyes are a nice touch.
    Mr V, you are a wordmeister without equal. “Flogged fleshless by a flock of Carmelite nuns on methamphetamine.” Anyone who has been schooled by nuns of any order knows that feeling well.

  • Chris December 20, 2017, 8:12 AM

    Wait, what?

  • Candy Cane December 20, 2017, 8:39 AM

    Rob De Witt – Epic! Comedic No Apologies.

  • Dr. Jay December 20, 2017, 8:54 AM

    Deus Vult.

  • Callmelennie December 20, 2017, 9:12 AM

    Just heard from Patsy Cline and Brenda Lee, Gerard. They’re concerned that you may be engaging in “apology overkill”; that your heartfelt mea culpas may not be taken as sincere by the all-consuming, ultra-proggressive Faceborgian horde. They are suggesting something along these lines

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGLR25EJtfE

  • ghostsniper December 20, 2017, 9:13 AM

    You vulgar little maggot.
    Don’t you know that you are pathetic?
    You worthless bag of filth.
    You are a canker.
    You are a fiend and a sniveling, back-boneless coward, and you have bad breath.
    You are degenerate, noxious and depraved.
    I feel debased just for knowing you exist.
    You are a bloody nardless newbie twit protohominid chromosomally aberrant caricature of a coprophagic cloacal parasitic pond scum.
    You’re a putrescent mass, a walking vomit.
    You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt.
    You are a jerk, a cad, a weasel.
    Your life is a monument to stupidity.
    You are a stench, a revulsion, a putrefaction, a big suck on a sour lemon with a lime twist.
    You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world.
    An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselves in regret for what they had done.
    I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you.
    You are a monster, an ogre, a malformation.
    I barf at the very thought of you.
    Lepers avoid you.
    You are vile, worthless, less than nothing.
    You are a weed, a fungus, a ferment, the dregs of this earth.
    If you aren’t an idiot, you made a world-class effort at simulating one.
    You snail-skulled little twit.
    Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood.
    May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs.
    You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable.
    You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane.
    You’re a fool; an ignoramus.
    You are a waste of flesh.
    You are ridiculous and obnoxious.
    You are a living emptiness; a meaningless void.
    You are sour and senile.
    You are a disease, you puerile one-handed, slack-jawed, drooling meat slapper.
    And it was better the last time.
    You are a half-witted peter puffer, and you clearly show yourself to be the most socially-inept, boorish,flame-inviting idiot that ever has ever lived.
    You repeatedly initiate incoherent, flaky, boring, and mindless drivel, and you egregiously assume moral, intellectual, and physical superiority.
    It must suck to be you, but then, you already know this.
    You are a loser.
    You must have spent your entire life in a skinner box to be this clueless.
    I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are.
    I mean rock-hard stupid.
    Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid.
    Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid.
    You are trans-stupid stupid.
    Meta-stupid.
    You clearly show yourself to be the most neanderthal, snotty, first-against-the-wall-when-the-revolution-comes, raving, hemorrhoidal misogynistic, slope-browed, eye-rollingly-sub-human, crappy, threat-to-the-gene-pool, backwards, in-bred,sack-of-pus,
    walking-advertisement-for-a-state-sponsored-sterility-program, boot-licking, unfit-for-human-consumption, irritating, disgusting, onerous, worse-speller-than-I, glassy-eyed, flame-inviting, creepy, spiritually-devoid, whiny, needing-of-professional-supervision,
    humorless, vile, sexually-undesirable, hell’s-pawn, lacking-in-any-sort-of-grace-or-erudition, addled, un-repentantly-and-wickedly-perverse, trash-talking, toejam-sniffing, anus-for-a-mouth, toad-like, trying-on-one’s-patience, filthy, sheet-and-pointy-hat-wearing, evil, reprehensible,mucus-dripping,
    just-turn-them-insideout-for-a-few-more-days-smelly-underthings-wearing, no-neuron, sunken-chested, piss-poor, foul-mouthed, scum-sucking,
    rent-boy, sickeningly-ugly, clue-repulsing, “Make-Money-Fast”-spamming, bringing-a-pen-knife-of-an-intellect-to-a-nukefest-of-a-battle-of-wits,
    incapable-of-coming-to-terms-with-your-own-wretched-existence, white-trash, boorish, rat-like, living-proof-of-why-cousins-shouldn’t-marry,
    can’t-be-allowed-sharp-objects, socially-inept, classless, inexcusable, plaid-pants-wearing, zt00pId-laMer-Ta1k3inG, netscape-enhanced, offensive, hate-filled, god-damnedest, insulting, unredeemable,make-me-wish-I-had-a-big-hammer-to-beat-some-sense-into-you, retarded moronic idiot. Realistically, I don’t think you have the intellectual wherewithal to make such a decision, i.e., a correct one, so you will stay here, spooging your petty hatreds and minor thoughts into the ether, annoying any and all, until someday, someone is gonna grab you by the ears and pull you on like a work boot.

  • Jim in Alaska December 20, 2017, 9:40 AM

    Ah yes, dating the three ladies; Mea Culpa. Mia Culpa and Mea Maxine Culpa.

  • Callmelennie December 21, 2017, 11:19 AM

    Remind me not to get on Ghostsniper’s bad side.

  • ghostsniper December 21, 2017, 11:36 AM

    I have 8 very large hard drives and have saved every single email I have ever sent, or received, every newsgroup message I have ever read or authored, and all of it is properly correlated on those hard drives. That particular thing was from an alt.clinton.whitewater.impeach newsgroup message in 1997. Yeah, almost 20 years old. No I didn’t author it. But that’s no reason to not stay on my good side. -wink-