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Kute Korner Krack Dealers: They’re Baaaaaaack!

There oughta be a law against these kinds of high-pressure selling tactics.

Who let them out? Why are they everywhere? On the corners, by the entrances to supermarkets, at the crossings, and all over the place. They swoop into the neighborhood in massive SUVs driven by classic MILFs. They pull in, tumble out giggling, and yank their card tables and their boxes of contraband from the back. Then they set up their offerings in stacks, and slap crude handmade signs with a heavy helping of glitter on the tables. Then they don their gang colors and get to work on you.

They are the most ruthless retail agents known to man. They are virtually irresistable in their peddling of their wares. They do it with cutting edge cute, and they have no scruples concerning your desperate attempt to diet away the winter flab.

They are the Girl Scouts and no matter how I try I cannot avoid them.

Their web of pushers has been strung across Seattle. They don’t even offer the first one free. They just jibber-jabber among themselves with their guardian MILF smiling knowingly at you. Sometimes, when the junkies are slow to line up for their fix, they do things like cartwheels or jump rope. Then they get your attention. The MILF sees this and smiles again.

And you are sunk. You have no hope of escape. Your whole universe of abstaining from sugar collapses. The few measly ounces you’ve lost by denying yourself that fourth scoop of Cherry Garcia at one in the morning are swamped by the tsunami of the C.U.T.E. in their little vests with their patches. You world of hope for a change in your gut is gone, and the only thing left for you is the stark choice: Thin Mints or Samoas?

I’ve tried to escape their clutches, but it’s no good. Today, desperate to kick after discovering last night that I could hear a box of Thin Mints calling to me through a closed door, I even invented a granddaughter.

The MILF saw my glance at their cookie table and smiled. I said, having bought no less than three boxes of their krispy krack over the last week, “I’m sorry, but my granddaughter has made me swear to buy cookies only from her troop.” (I have no granddaughter, but I was in despair.)

One of her henchgirls shrugged and did a cartwheel while the other two looked disappointed in that trademark Girl Scout disappointed look that I’m sure they give a patch for.

“Oh, don’t worry,” said the MILF. “We’ll never tell. Right girls?”

“We’ll never-ever tell,” said all three virtually in unison as if they’d practiced it throughout all of February at their Girl Scout/MILF coven meetings.

It was all over for me. All I could say was,

“Samoas.”

Alert the Authorities!

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Rob De Witt February 5, 2018, 2:45 AM
  • Monty James February 5, 2018, 2:50 AM
  • Monty James February 5, 2018, 2:54 AM
  • Fuel Filter February 5, 2018, 5:33 AM

    When they accost me I simply look the MILF dead in the eye and say:

    “I’ll consider buying your cookies when your organization divorces itself from pro-abortion groups.”

    Leaves them dumbfounded every time.

  • ghostsniper February 5, 2018, 6:03 AM

    The tranny on the right identifies as a gurl.

  • Jack February 5, 2018, 7:33 AM

    My daughters weren’t GS’s but they hawked everything else that came their way for school fund raisers so I’m a sap for their sales pitches. I don’t do popcorn but I bought a box of gluten-free cookies on Saturday and couldn’t have been happier; ate all of them by the end of the evening, too.

    Got more ordered. I love GS cookies and I always support the girls. And I don’t let politics get in the way of helping these kids feel like they’re successful and supported.

  • theduchessofkitty February 5, 2018, 8:08 AM

    Oh, Gerald. Like you, I used to laugh at this. “High-pressure tactics,” indeed.

    But now, my daughters are in GS. And I’m their troop’s Cookie mom. The initial order for the troop last year was of no more than 75 cases. But this year, the girls went into hyperdrive. The order coming into my living room of cookies ordered through my Troop: 240 cases. Not packages. Cases.

    My hubby just told me, “I think we need a bigger house!”

  • theduchessofkitty February 5, 2018, 8:25 AM

    FF,

    Cookie money goes mainly to the GS activities within their councils. You see their camps, with all the boat equipment, stables, pools, cabins, etc? That’s cookie money right there. If girls can’t afford an activity, uniforms, or fees, they are given grants to participate. That also cones from cookie money. Troops’ badge-earning activities? Cookie money. Awards and recognitions to girls who earn them in the big leagues (Bronze, Silver or Gold)? Cookie money. About 23 percent of Cookie money goes to the bakers. The rest never leaves the council area.

    Not a single penny from any GS Cookies sold goes to a single abortion clinic. Not. One. Penny!

    In my Council area, all the GS camps were pounded hard by Harvey last August. Some troops lost all their equipment. And many girls were displaced. But guess what? The entire Council’s girls are raising unbelievable amounts of money to give cookies to the first responders who helped so many here during Harvey. Not a single penny is going to help abortionists (who, of course, don’t help save lives.)

    Not. One. Penny!

    Oh! We let parents know precisely how the money is spent.

  • Richard February 5, 2018, 8:28 AM

    I know it’s not nearly as much fun as buying from the neighborhood dealer, but if you get the occasional Jones for Samoas, and you have an Aldi grocery store in the vicinity, you just might find you get what you need in the Benton’s Caramel Coconut, Fudge cookies.

  • pbird February 5, 2018, 9:13 AM

    They are truly awful cookies and grossly overpriced. No sale.

  • Sixty Ville February 5, 2018, 12:32 PM

    Now that dietary fats are no longer the villains in heart disease (it’s the CARBS! https://www.investors.com/politics/editorials/settled-science-just-got-blown-up/ ), perhaps the Junior Lesbian League can switch over to selling Slim Jims. Or Jills, as the case may be.

  • Vanderleun February 5, 2018, 1:29 PM

    Bad cookies? YES!
    Overpriced? YES!
    Parent organization is formed of moonbats and whackjobs? YES!

    Do the salespeople look like my daughter, my nieces, my grandnieces? YES!

    Should you ALWAYS BUY FROM KIDS SELLING THINGS?

    YES
    YES
    YES

    I don’t care th at the GSA has my number. They’ve got it and the fivers come out of my wallet.

    I usually take a couple of tastes and toss them.

    Then I buy another box

    That’s just me.

  • Monty James February 5, 2018, 1:41 PM

    The Samoas and the Caramel Delights are awesome. Overpriced because it’s fundraising. It’s like a donation except you end up with some cookies. Don’t have to donate if you don’t want to. I forget what they’re called, but when kids bang on the door hawking those long skinny bars of milk chocolate with the almonds in them I react like a fundraising Manchurian Candidate. I don’t even know what I’m doing.

  • Mike G. February 5, 2018, 3:17 PM

    I’m particular to the Do See Dos. I love peanut butter.

  • ghostsniper February 5, 2018, 5:59 PM

    Last week it was fats, this week it’s carbs, next week it’ll be sugars, eat what you want, you’re gonna die anyway, may as well enjoy it while you’re here.

  • Bunny February 6, 2018, 8:05 AM

    I miss Target and Girl Scout cookies, I really do.

  • eclectickelvin February 6, 2018, 10:26 AM

    I don’t buy Girl Scout cookies, i just try not to eat sugar in large amounts. But i am not immune to the kiddos. I have 3 nieces who constantly set us up to donate to their schools causes. I wish there was sugar involved so i could say no but they keep collecting money from us anyway.

  • Jimmy February 6, 2018, 6:47 PM

    I like how dynamic the girls become. If you talk to them engagingly, you can find the ones with a good sense of humor. I imagine they will become successful business women, lawyers, engineers, doctors, etc., all with outgoing personalities and lots of drive. I keep imagining that as I walk away with my package open and my mouth full..

    See, I had two sons – and always wanted a girl, too. How can you not love the kids when they’re THAT happy and exhuberant?! We were all kids once…