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Google Pizza

CALLER:
Is this Gordon’s Pizza?
GOOGLE:
No sir, it’s Google Pizza.
CALLER:
I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.
GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.
CALLER:
OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER:
My usual? You know me.
GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER:
OK! That’s what I want.
GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER:
What? I detest vegetables.
GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER:
How the hell do you know?
GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.
CALLER:
I bought more from another drugstore.
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement
CALLER:
I paid in cash.
GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL?
GOOGLE:
I’m sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you
CALLER:
Enough already! I’m sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I’m going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE:
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago.

Alert the Authorities!

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Anonymous April 7, 2018, 7:07 PM

    Not available out here in the sticks, and we don’t miss it.
    ‘za + soda waters = fleets of beached whales
    We do make one on the grill now and then.

  • BillH April 8, 2018, 7:49 AM

    That’s not as fanciful as it seems at first.

  • Jayne April 9, 2018, 7:33 AM

    Both funny… and hair raising. We have seen this future as the backdrop in many sci-fi stories. We welcomed the technology at first. As a former librarian I have fretted about the financial systems lack of hard backup and the dying of independent reference works. The one dimensionality of Google search as a foundation for research gives me the creeps.