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Frequently Answered Questions

Everywhere you go you see “Frequently Asked Questions” scattered about to help you find out what everybody else apparently knows. Nobody, as far as we know, is helping you with the essential questions of life, the Frequently Answered Questions ™.

These are the questions you ask or answer hundreds of times in your life? But do you answer them correctly? Sadly, millions of people do not.

As a public service, we present the first in our ongoing series of answers to Frequently Answered Questions (TM). If you have any Frequently Answered Questions you’d like help with, send them in and our crack staff of out-of-work philosophers, professional wise-guys, cut-rate gurus, and grief counselors between assignments will be happy to enlighten you.

If I light the fuse, should I get away?
If you didn’t believe what was printed on the side, just stand there a few seconds more for the definitive answer.

If you love me still, will you love me moving?
Only if I don’t have to pay for the van.

Am I guilty?
When you put yourself on trial the verdict is always guilty.

Have you driven a Ford lately?
Yes, but only as a $19.99 a day rental.

What?
If you ask this after hearing “Duck!” it’s too late for an answer.

Will I ever learn?
Of course, you will. Just not now. Better luck next time.

Are you a boy or a girl?
A popular insult during the 60s and 70s, this question have been rendered null and void with the rise of the gender-optional generation.

Is it cold enough for you?
Always a heartwarming question since it signals that the depths of winter have been reached and that it is only three short months until the same person will ask, “Is it hot enough for you?”

Who will be my role model when my role model is gone?
Either that man back down the alley or some roly-poly, little bat-faced girl. In either case, you might want to rethink needing a role model.

What would Jesus do?
Why don’t you ask him? He will tell you. The hard part is for you to act on it. Not a bad role model if your role model is gone.

Do you know they refused Jesus too?
You’re not Him.

Are you a Republicrat or Democan?
Yes.

What were you thinking?
Most often asked of children or erring spouses, there is no real answer since the question clearly implies you were incapable of thought at the time of the incident. Your only hope is that the results do not require the MedEvac chopper.

Are you innocent?
Yes. Everybody in this prison is always innocent. Just ask them.

Are you pregnant?
The tone you use and the situation you are in when you ask this question is more important than the answer. Until you get the answer.

How high’s the moon?
384,400 kilometers. More or less.

Are you registered to vote?
Yes, even if you are only registered on an Internet opinion site.

Are you sure this is safe?
If the answer is “No problem, I’ve done this thousands of times” RUN!

Do you believe in magic?
Yes, but only if the magic’s in the music and the music’s in me.

What will you take for this?
Figure out the most you’d take for it, double it, and accept half.

What’s on your mind?
Huh?

Oh, yeah? You and what army?
See “Trump, Donald J. v. Kim, Jong Un.”

Alert the Authorities!

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Rob De Witt June 10, 2018, 12:18 PM

    Why do fools fall in love?

    Why do economically-challenged melanin-enhanced low-IQ individuals like mudflaps?

  • ghostsniper June 10, 2018, 2:04 PM

    Yesterday I was in the produce section just standing there trying to figure out what I wanted to get and an older woman with a spring in her step came right up to me. She was smiling as she came up within 2′ of me and then her mouth moved but I didn’t hear anything. After 34 years of marriage my ears no longer belong to me, they have taken on self survival instincts and don’t hear stuff from females unless I force them too. So I forced them too and asked, “What?”, and she said, “Do you know Jesus loves you?” Inwardly I thought, “Oh no, one of THESE people.” Outwardly I smiled and said, “That’s what they say.”, and at that moment I noticed she had a small Yorkie hooked onto the front of her. The lady started to say something else and I over talked her and said, “Oh wow, you have a little animal on the front of you, is it a boy or is it a gurl?” She said it was a gurl named Trixie and I said, “Aw, she’s the purtiest little gurl I ever seen!” and I reached in my pocket and pulled out a cookie. Shannon requires that I always have plenty of her cookies in immediate inventory. Then I held the back of my hand to the little gurl so she could smell me and know that I am not a threat. (to a dog the front of your hand seems like a threat) She skarfed down that cookie and looked at me with that look, “Got any more?” So I gave her another and the lady started up with the Jesus stuff again and my ears sort of volumed down, and her voice was but a muffle. I nodded affirmatively at whatever she said and then asked her how this place can stay open with prices as high as they are, and she agreed and said she can barely afford to feed herself and Trixie. I told her I’m gonna get some of them grapes over there and bid her adieu. I saw her later in another part of the store and she was deep in conversation with another older lady. Right in front of the foot long hot dogs I was thinking about getting, but didn’t cause I didn’t wanna start that up again. So we had burgers on the grill for supper. When I got home Shannon was looking at me suspiciously.

  • Snakepit Kansas June 10, 2018, 3:58 PM

    What would Jesus do?
    I think that is a question that one should ask themselves and the answer should be quickly obvious 90% of the time or better.

  • Fred Z June 10, 2018, 6:17 PM

    What would Jesus do?

    Jesus would lash your stupid, lazy, greedy ass out of the temple.

    Stupid question.

  • R Daneel June 10, 2018, 7:24 PM

    “Light Fuse, Get Away”?

    VDL, are you a Spread Head?

    Favorite on that live album is “Pigeons”:
    We’ve all been waiting
    We’ve been wondering, will we ever know the truth?
    What it’s like washing windows
    When you know that there are pigeons on the roof?…

  • Joedaddy June 11, 2018, 3:11 AM

    well, well, I bought this Wide Spread Panic CD when it first hit wayyy back. Super!

  • pbird June 12, 2018, 9:32 AM

    I like the Ghost stories and strangely my ears kind of go into resting mode when husband starts explaining stuff to me, lol. I sort monitor to see if anything new is coming out.

  • RigelDog June 13, 2018, 12:23 PM

    Ah…there IS magic in music. You just have to let it in.

  • wheels June 18, 2018, 5:06 PM

    Are you innocent?
    Yes. Everybody in this prison is always innocent. Just ask them.

    Supposedly, there was a pope some centuries ago who went through a prison and asked each prisoner why he was there. All but one professed his innocence, and the pope demanded that the one who admitted his guilt be released immediately, in order that he not corrupt the others.