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Frequently Answered Questions ™

Everywhere you go you see “Frequently Asked Questions” scattered about to help you find out what everybody else apparently knows. Nobody, as far as we know, is helping you with the essential questions of life, the Frequently Answered Questions ™.

These are the questions you ask or answer hundreds of times in your life? But do you answer them correctly? Sadly, millions of people do not.

If you have any Frequently Answered Questions(tm) you’d like help with, send them in and our crack staff of out-of-work philsophers, professional wise-guys, cut-rate gurus, and grief counselors between assignments will be happy to enlighten you.

Am I guilty?
When you put yourself on trial the verdict is always guilty.

Have you driven a Ford lately?
Yes, but only the rental versions.

What?
If you ask this after hearing “Duck!” it’s too late.

Will I ever learn?
Of course you will. Just not now. Better luck next time.

Are you a boy or a girl?
A popular insult during the 60s and 70s, this question have been rendered null and void with the rise of the gender optional generation.

Is it cold enough for you?
Always a heartwarming question since it signals that the depths of winter have been reached and that it is only three months until the same person will ask, “Is it hot enough for you?”

What would Jesus do?
Whatever Jesus might or might not do, you can make book on the fact that few people will be able to get in the game.

Are you a Republicrat or Democan?
Yes.

What were you thinking?
Most often asked of children or erring spouses, there is no real answer since the question clearly implies you were incapable of thought at the time of the incident. Your only hope is that the results do not require MedEvac.

Are you innocent?
Yes. Everybody in prison is always innocent. Just ask them.

Are you pregnant?
The tone you use and the situation you are in when you ask this question are more important than the answer. Until you get the answer.

How high’s the moon?
384,400 kilometers. More or less.

Are you registered to vote?
Yes, even if you are only registered on an internet opinion site.

Are you sure this is safe?
If the answer is “No problem, I’ve done this thousand’s of times” prepare for disaster.

Do you believe in magic?
Yes, but only if the magic’s in the music and the music’s in me.

What will you take for this?
Figure out the most you’d take for it, double it, and accept half.

What’s on your mind?
Huh?

Alert the Authorities!

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Henry Lee July 29, 2018, 9:37 AM

    Similar to “Is this safe?” The boss asks if a change I was about to make to the university mainframe OS, was risky. “It’s not rocket science”, I replied. Then the computer was down for two hours while I remembered what I had forgotten.

  • BillH July 29, 2018, 9:53 AM

    What three things are most useless to an aviator?
    1. Runway behind you. 2. Altitude above you. 3. Airspeed you gave up gawking at the scenery on final.

  • rabbit tobacco July 29, 2018, 10:20 AM

    another question: If I do not get it from myself,where will I go for It?

  • Fred July 29, 2018, 11:29 AM

    What would Jesus do?
    This is the wrong question. What did Jesus do? is the correct one.

    Also: Q; Why does nobody read Proverbs and Ecclesiastes anymore? A; Because they know it all, or so they thought.

  • Dr. Jay July 29, 2018, 11:52 AM

    Have you tried not being retarded? . . . Upon reflection, that’s seems to be more of an answer to those Frequently Asked Questions.

  • Snakepit Kansas July 29, 2018, 11:53 AM

    If those three gears in the noodle are all meshed with each other, they will not turn.

  • Ray Van Dune July 29, 2018, 12:14 PM

    Why am I in this handbasket, and where is it going so fast?!

  • Phloda July 29, 2018, 3:34 PM

    Does this smell funny to you?
    (Walking away) No hablo Espanol.

  • Dp July 29, 2018, 4:13 PM

    “What would Jesus do?”
    I don’t know. Why don’t you ask him?

  • Doubletrouble July 29, 2018, 4:36 PM

    I always like the answer to WWJD?…
    “Well, trashing the furniture, dumping everything over, & whipping people with cords isn’t out of the question”.

  • ghostsniper July 29, 2018, 5:51 PM

    Dr Jay LOL
    Have you tried not being retarded?
    That seems to be a question that answers itself.

  • John the River July 29, 2018, 6:55 PM

    Her: “Do whatever you want!”

    Him: (Do NOT do whatever you wanted to do!)

  • Larry Geiger July 30, 2018, 5:58 AM

    Huh?
    (question asked right after he hands you his beer…)

  • Dewight July 30, 2018, 8:13 AM

    Will it hurt?

  • JiminAlaska July 30, 2018, 8:49 AM

    & then there’s the answer with an always predictable result: “Hold my beer.”

  • jwm July 30, 2018, 7:01 PM

    There was once this exchange of Great Questions between my brother and me after we’d finished a joint.
    Me: “I don’ know… You know?
    Brother: Yeah. I know what you mean.

    Gets heavy like that sometimes.

    JWM

  • ghostsniper August 2, 2018, 11:40 AM

    Via and me finished one up and were melting down in our chairs, mesmerized by Roy Underhill describing the shaving horse and the draw knife. Roy drew the knife down the wood and turned to the camera and said to avoid shaving knotted wood, advice given to him by his half brother, with a little grin. Me and Via spent the next hour nonstop laughing. Yeah, heavy.