“Michelle Obama‘s doing an arena tour. That’s another thing going on. I’m gonna say that again. Michelle Obama… …is doing an arena tour. She’s not playing comedy clubs. She’s doing arenas.
When did First Ladies start acting like they got elected? You know? Dude, being a First Lady, that’s not a fucking job. Just standing there, smiling and waving.
Hey? Look how quiet it is in here. Why is it so fucking quiet? You think that’s a job? It’s not a fucking job!
Dude, if you really think it’s a job, just look at him. Right? Look at Obama. When that guy got elected, he looked like he was about 41 years old. When he left office, that guy looked like he was about 73. Right?
Look at Michelle. She looks younger now than she did when that dude got elected. What has she done for the last eight years… other than lay in a giant vat of Illuminati-level lotion? Just sitting there, floating. Every couple hours, a shape-shifter comes in and dumps another bucket on her. “Here’s some more… more of this.”
She pops her head up: “Hey, Bam-Bam, tell Stevie Wonder to come down and play some songs tonight.”
I found out she’s doing a tour, ’cause she’s doing a book tour. Yeah, she wrote a book. She wrote a book about not having a job. I gotta read that fucking book! ‘Chapter One, How to know if a dick tastes presidential. How to weed your way… How to weed your way through all that local representative cock and get to the big swinging dick in the room.’ ”