If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.
And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief. — Mark 9:23
Most of the time you like to get calls from old friends and family. Not now. These are the days when you don’t want the phone to ring, or if it does you want it to be a spam call, a call of no import or meaning; a call easily forgotten. Not a call that will always be remembered. Not that. Not now.
Most of the time you enjoy small errands that involve laying in supplies for the minor business of life. Not now. These are the days when you don’t have enough small errands to distract you and so you wander aimlessly around the supermarket and you choose the largest supermarket around so that you have a lot of aisles to wander in without a list, without a need, without a purpose.
Most of the time you like to drive around town and out into the orchards and rivers nearby. These are the days when you don’t drive more than you have to because you find that, at times, you are so distracted by your memories and the events of the last couple of months that you have to pull over because you are not confident in your ability to control the car.
Most of the time you like to stay informed, to stay alert, and so you place your phone by the nightstand. Not now. These are the days when you leave your phone as far away in your tiny suite of rooms as you can lest you be awoken by the news in the small hours of the morning. You tell yourself that the news, should it come, will be the same in the morning as it was in the middle of the night; and that you’ll be more prepared to hear it. Every morning when you wake the first thing you do is to go and look at the phone to see if there have been any calls.
Most of the time you enjoy calling friends and family. These are the days when you send emails lest any call from you upset your friends and family as soon as the phone’s ID screen lights up.
Most of the time you want to know what’s happening in the world at large and in your world in miniature. These are the days you are content to wait upon events.
Most of the time your faith is strong and your belief in The Promise adamantine. These are the days when you have to assure yourself that although the dark and relentless history of man is filled with tragedy for the mass as well as the individual it all moves towards a time, a moment, in which all has a happy ending at last. These are the days when you remember, or know again in the bedrock of your being, that our souls will all rise glorified.
Most of the time you want to remember all that but now, waiting upon events, you keep forgetting all that; you want to say goodbye to all that. No, that’s wrong. It is not that you forget but, no matter what The Promise may be and no matter how much you believe, there are in the end some events of which you can only say, as the poet has said, “I do not approve. And I am not resigned.”