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The Dead Biden Sketch (Apologies to Monty Python)

COMING SOON: AN announcement from the Biden Campaign that Joe Biden is no longer able to actively campaign and hence must withdraw.

VOTER: (pause)I’m sorry, I have a what I am praying to God, oh please please, is just a bad cold. I wish to make a complaint!

DNC: We’re closin’ for the rest of the 2020 Election period.

VOTER: Never mind that, my boys. I wish to complain about this Biden what I voted for as my number 1 champion in getting rid of Orange Man from this very party not last month.

DNC: Oh yes, the, uh, the 2020 model Joe Biden…What’s,uh…What’s wrong with him?

VOTER: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with him, my lad. ‘E’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with him!

DNC: No, no, ‘e’s uh,…Biden’s resting.

VOTER: Look, matey, I know a dead Biden when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now with your dead party soon to follow.

DNC: No no he’s not dead, he’s, he’s restin’! Remarkable politician, the Joe Biden, idn’it, ay? Beautiful slippers and pajamas!

VOTER: The pajamas don’t enter into it. Biden’s stone dead.

DNC: Nononono, no, no! ‘E’s resting his weary brain under these low ceilings in his Maryland mansion!

VOTER: All right then, if he’s restin’, I’ll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) ‘Ello, Mister Joey Biden! I’ve got a lovely Burisma bribe for you if you show…

(DNC hits the Biden on the side of the head)

DNC: There, he moved!

VOTER: No, he didn’t, that was you hitting him upside the head!

DNC: I never!!

VOTER: Yes, you did!

DNC: I never, never did anything…

VOTER: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) ‘ELLO JOEY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o’clock wake up and save America from Orange Man video talk!

(Takes Biden out of the house and thumps his drool cup on the porch. Throws him down the front steps and watches the Biden bounce limply into the pansy bed.)

VOTER: Now that’s what I call a dead Biden.

DNC: No, no…..No, ‘e’s stunned!

VOTER: STUNNED?!?

DNC: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin’ up! Joe Bidens stun easily.

VOTER: Um…now look…now look, mate, I’ve definitely ‘ad enough of this. That Biden is definitely deceased, and when I voted him to the top of the shabby whore pack not one month back, you assured me that his total lack brain activity was due to him bein’ tired and shagged out following a prolonged hair sniffing and self-abuse session.

DNC: Well, he’s…he’s, ah…probably pining for the Obama years.

VOTER: PININ’ for the OBAMA YEARS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I VOTED HIM TO THE TOP?

DNC: The Joe Biden prefers speakin’ while on his back! Remarkable politician, id’nit, squire? Lovely dentures!

VOTER: Look, I took the liberty of examining the Biden when I got home from voting, and I discovered the only reason that he had been sitting in first place for the Democrat nomination is that he had been NAILED there.

(pause)

DNC: Well, o’course he was nailed there! If we hadn’t nailed that Biden down, he would have nuzzled up to little girls, sniffed their hair, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

VOTER: “VOOM”?!? Mate, this politician wouldn’t “voom” if you put four million volts through his skull! ‘E’s bleedin’ demented!

DNC: No no! ‘E’s pining for the presidency!

VOTER: ‘E’s not pinin’! ‘E’s passed on! This Biden is no more! He has ceased to be! ‘E’s expired and gone to meet ‘is maker! ‘E’s a stiff! Bereft of electibility ‘e rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed him to the podium he’d be pushing up the daisies! ‘Is metabolic processes are now ‘istory! ‘E’s off the twig! ‘E’s kicked the bucket, ‘e’s shuffled off ‘is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-Biden!!

(pause)

DNC: Well, I’d better replace this candidate, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I’ve had a look ’round the back of the shop, and uh, we’re right out of Bidens.

VOTER: I see. I see, I get the picture.

DNC: (pause) I got a Bernie.

(pause)

VOTER: Pray, does it talk?

DNC: Nnnnot coherently.

VOTER: WELL HES HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS HE?!!???!!?

DNC: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)

VOTER: Well.

(pause)

DNC: (quietly) D’you…. d’you want to come back to my place?

VOTER: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.

{ 7 comments… add one }
  • Rich DeCamp March 23, 2020, 6:14 AM

    Biden 2020: This Is Fine.

  • ghostsniper March 23, 2020, 7:34 AM

    Remember when this country was worth giving a fuk?

    Put coffee beans in the percolator and you don’t need a filter cause the beans won’t fit through the holes. And it tastes weak, like burnt water.

    Grind the coffee once and you have to use a filter unless you like speckled teefs and it tastes pretty good.

    Grind the coffee 3 times and you don’t have to use a filter cause it is too fine to matter and it tastes better than you ever imagined.

    Two swallows and suddenly you are jet propelled. That jet fuel was injected directly into your arteries, as fine as it was, digestion was instant. By noon you had done all the days work and all the next days too. You did the same the next day and now you were a week ahead of the game and on Friday your boss gave you a raise and fired 3 other people.

    On Monday you grinded the beans 4 times and you didn’t even need to drink it, just breathing the fumes caused ignition. In the past week you slept a total of 9 hours, did the work of 5 people, ate like a canary, and lost 37 lbs and the next week you doubled everything.

    A month later your’re skin and bones, the boss fired everybody ‘cept you and since you don’t eat a lunch he subs you out to other companies on a rotation basis and splits the profits with you. You’re making so much money Bill Gates is taking note.

    6 months flashes by and you have 4 banks working full time to manage your income. You are more animal than human, more machine than animal, there has never been anything like you. All you have to do is think about your finely ground mud to catch a mental contact and the next thing ya know 2 dozen company’s are bidding on your service.

    Trump, Putin, and that main China dood are now watching you. Your name has spontaneously changed to “LightSpeed” and there is nothing you cannot do. You have done it all and you do it all all day long everyday, it’s what you do. Nobody else has to do anything cause you already did it.

    You are now earning all the money in the world. There is no more money, you own all of it. But nobody else needs to work so their needs are smaller. Your philanthropist nature has increased likewise and you dictate that all people everywhere will have all their needs provided for and this is just from the income you earn Monday and Tuesday. With your income from the rest of the week you are buying up planets and galaxies. No one owns them yet so your continent of planet lawyers decree these things are your’s. The Big Dipper is now called The Big You. Taurus and all the other constellations are called The Big You 1, The Big You 2, etc.

    It is now almost Christmas and you’ve done it all and you own it all. Cept for one thing. There is still one thing you do not own. Your want to own the Big Bang and everything that preceded it. So you set your coffee grinder one notch closer, pour in the beans, turn the crank and…..

  • jwm March 23, 2020, 9:00 AM

    I found this yesterday over at “Moonbattery”. Click the link only if you are not afraid of nightmares. Especially the third one. I’m not goofing here. I clicked it much to my regret. It’s the first time since 9/11 that my response has been an honest, “Just Nuke The Bastards”

    https://moonbattery.com/how-chinese-come-up-with-new-diseases/

    JWM

  • jwm March 23, 2020, 9:03 AM

    I just dropped a post with some pretty horrifying stuff, and it got caught in the spam filter. Perhaps Gerard will see it and put it up later, perhaps not. I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t.
    Go over to Moonbattery, and look at Sunday’s posts. You’ll regret it, but do it anyway.

    JWM

  • Sam L. March 23, 2020, 9:30 AM

    That was an EXCELLENT use of Python (Monty), Ltd.!!!!!!
    Loved it, I did.

  • ghostsniper March 23, 2020, 1:36 PM

    Horrifying stuff John.
    It’s not just china, that stuff goes on in all 3rd world countries and even here in the US.

    Today is National Puppy Day so all the nitwits will be getting puppies out of the shelters and in 3 months when things get really tough those now grown puppies will be abandoned to the streets. Humans are some of the worst animals on the planet.

  • Casey Klahn March 23, 2020, 10:14 PM

    Oooooooooooh..huhhh.ooooooh…
    I’m a lumberjack and I’m okay…
    I work all night and I sleep all day.

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