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April 17, 2013

FBI to CNN: "Sorry but this morning's suspect wasn't white enough. Hold on while we go back to the pool for a new one."

Shortage of white terrorists to be rectified soon.

"We identified a suspect based on video evidence," clarified Special Agent Olaf Mills of the FBI's Suspect Description Division. "We arrested him and his physical features and clothing matched the video evidence closely. But because of suspect-profiling directives from the office of the attorney general, we shortly released him and he is no longer considered a suspect." Sense of Events: Bombing suspect arrested, released

Posted by gerardvanderleun at April 17, 2013 8:54 PM. This is an entry on the sideblog of American Digest: Check it out.

Your Say

Reminds me of the DC Sniper where they pulled the actual killer in for questioning several times because he was so obviously the guy, then let him go because he didn't fit their profile - and he killed more people while they kept searching for a white guy.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at April 18, 2013 7:19 AM

Please note that this post is satire, not actual news reporting


Lacking a disclaimer like this, is there any reliable way to tell satire and related buffoonery from actual press releases and mainstream news stories? I seem to have lost the ability.

Posted by: SteveS at April 18, 2013 10:15 AM

You can just imagine it. They finally id the guy(s) from all the surveillance data, and with the sudden horror of the ****storm they are about to ignite, they all rush to their desks to vomit in their wastebaskets, which causes further sympathetic technicolor yawns by everybody in the office. Then they all have to rush to the lavatories because it scares the **** out of them. When they get back, they are told "All right you guys, get this mess cleaned up", says the Boss, "while I go give the Big Guy the bad news and try and find out what he wants to do about it. In the meantime, sombody get a tail on [them], and keep it on the down low. No leaks! When the Big Guy figures out what he wants The People to know, and how it's gonna be said, He'll tell them. You guys keep it zipped. And geez you guys stink, put some fresh clothes on. If the press catches a whiff of this, they'll know too, and then we'll all be back here again."

Posted by: John A. Fleming at April 18, 2013 12:34 PM

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