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Season’s Bleatings: It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers

I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I’m about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker fucker, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables. When my guests come over it’s gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes. Guess what season it is — fucking fall. There’s a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant fucking squash.

I may even throw some multi-colored leaves into the mix, all haphazard like a crisp October breeze just blew through and fucked that shit up. Then I’m going to get to work on making a beautiful fucking gourd necklace for myself. People are going to be like, “Aren’t those gourds straining your neck?” And I’m just going to thread another gourd onto my necklace without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, “It’s fall, fuckfaces. You’re either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you’re not.”

RTWT @ – McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

[HT: Vera]

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Cucurbita September 23, 2018, 3:33 PM

    That was lovely!
    The Gourd Poem
    “In a valley sweet with sunlight,
    Fertile with the dew and rain,
    Without miner’s daily labour,
    Without artist’s nightly pain,
    There there grows the cup I drink from,
    Summer’s sweetness in it stored,
    And my lips pronounce a blessing
    As they touch an old brown gourd.”
    Paul Laurence Dunbar
    Thank you!

  • Steve in Greensboro September 23, 2018, 4:26 PM

    I think this anti-pumpkin fugue on the part of our beloved curator is his way of mourning the passing of Summer.

    Here in the Sunny South, Summer can’t go the hell away too soon. Give me cool weather. Give me the yellows, oranges and reds of the hardwoods. Give me the Sweet Gums turning scarlet.

    Dare I say it? Give me snow. (Not the deep, driving impairing stuff, but just an inch or so to cover up the dead grass in my yard.)

  • Rick September 23, 2018, 4:56 PM

    Geeze Gerald, have another pumpkin spice beer and relax.

  • ghostsniper September 23, 2018, 5:58 PM

    Fuck you. I want some deep assed snow. Real deep. Up to the window sills, and not the living room windows that come down low. Up to the bathroom windows. Yeah, 4 or 5 foot deep snow. That 1 inch shit can blow us, just a pain in the ass. Makes everything muddy and miserable and then goes away in a day or 2. Fuck that. I want some shit that stays around for like 2 months.

    Deep ass snow that gets about a 3″ crust of ice on it, perfect for sledding. I bought a 6′ bobsled when we moved here 12 years ago and haven’t gotten to ride that fucker yet. And we live on the perfect hill for it. It’s about 850 foot long and drops about 80 feet to the bottom then levels out. Do the math. That sled should be doing better’n 60 mph when it hits the flats, then nothing but mowed soybean field for as far as the eye can see. Yowza! Take 2 days to drag that fukkah home. Pack a lunch.

    When the first snow flies in Nov I’ll drag that bitch out and wax the runners and stand it in the corner. Keep it ready. For some REAL snow. And when it happens, watch the sky cause you’ll see the lights go out for a second when I break the time barrier. Here, hold my beer….

  • Jimmy September 23, 2018, 7:12 PM

    To Hell with Fall. Let’s move straight to the good stuff…

    Give me a snow that shuts down the socialist Seattle utopia. Like the ’72 blizzard that buried it. Freeze out the homeless. Turn their sidewalk feces into hard nuggets. Make the thousands of needle wielding drug lizards turn blue and die. And may all the idiots who don’t know how to drive total their cars – and crap their pants – in a ditch.


  • Casey Klahn September 23, 2018, 8:16 PM

    Oh, man, I needed that laugh tonight.

    Has anyone complained to McSweeney that he’s making the gay population uncomfortable with this post?

  • Nori September 23, 2018, 8:35 PM

    “Summer can’t get the hell away too soon”.
    In the low deserts of the southwest,we’re still in triple D temps,but the overnights are high 70’s,a blessing,and hints of sweet cooool weather. No snow here. Damn Globull Warming.

    Changed the oil in my truck today, 30 wgt pumpkin spice,as good in the engine as it is on toast.

  • John A. Fleming September 23, 2018, 10:16 PM

    In my priority order, Autumn, Winter, Summer, Spring. Really, I like ’em all, but autumn in the western mountains is beyond compare of anything. Autumn is the gold-lit getting fat season for the winter if it doesn’t kill you it makes you stronger and happy, summer is for the great days in the mountains, the too many mountains and too few fleeting summers. Spring is the most useless season, the days of starvation when all the vegies in the root cellar are gone and the food stocks are thin, the early greens aren’t very nutritious, and it’s too warm and muddy to be winter, and too cold for summer.

  • Callmelennie September 23, 2018, 11:39 PM

    Who wrote this, Jules Winnfield?

    C’mon Brett, what does autumn look like? Does it look like a bitch?

  • Marica September 24, 2018, 7:20 AM

    Steve in Greensboro– Try living in Mississippi! I love summer but I am so sick of 90*+.

    But HEY! We did have company this weekend and we DID go to the garden and pick a pumpkin and a white gourd of some sort and put them– along with other things– on the buffet. And we do have a wicker basket of dried grasses and okra pods on the breakfast table.

    Sheeze! I’m pretty new here. Can’t wait to hear what you have to say about my turkey platter. You know, the giant white platter with the painted gobbler showing off his plumage.

  • Vanderleun September 24, 2018, 9:17 AM

    But…. But…. I loves me that turkey platter.

  • pbird September 24, 2018, 9:17 AM

    Jimmy, I remember that winter in Seattle. We were living on Queen Anne Hill with one little guy and one coming later that year. Had to drive the Econoline down off that slippery hill every day. I wish we could have another blizzard like that. It snowed sideways for four days straight. In Seattle.

  • Casey Klahn September 24, 2018, 11:23 AM

    pbird and Jimmy.

    Nothing beats a good snowpocalypse in Seattle. Plenty of funny videos on YouTube.

    What year was it that I skied home, 17 miles, from Capitol Hill after work? 89? 6 inches fell in an hour or 2 and Seattle was full stop. I shed my skis in the U District to brew up on hot tea (a whole kettle) and the commies at the other tables were looking daggers through me. Back to the door. Don’t loiter…

  • steve walsh September 24, 2018, 12:54 PM

    One of my all time favorite McSweeney’s. The photos add a nice realistic touch.

  • pbird September 25, 2018, 3:11 PM

    Tea in The Last Exit Casey? lol Good old memories.

  • Casey Klahn September 25, 2018, 4:09 PM

    pbird: it was at the foot of the Ave, as I had to go up the Burke Gillman Trail. I climbed over 3 downed trees while skiing on that. That watering hole was close to the Blue Moon, but without the warmth and conviviality.

    When you live in the West, you make a habit of facing the door when you sit down in any establishment.

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