October 14, 2015

A Scene From The Coming Diversity Wars by Blake Neff

arussianwomen.jpg

General Staff Building, Western Military District Headquarters, St. Petersburg, Russia

9:34 PM, Sept. 19, 2036. The Darkest Days of World War 3

*A young cismale officer bursts into the war room*

Lt. Sergei Ivanov: General! Terrible news from the front!

Gen. Mikhail Petrov: What do you mean, Lieutenant?

Ivanov: The Americans … they’re sending their most diverse units to attack Smolensk!

Petrov: Just … just how diverse do you mean?

Ivanov: It’s the Fourth Marine Division … the Fighting Jenners. Astonishingly, they’re almost equally split between blacks, Hispanics, Asians, and American Indians.

Petrov: Terrible news … but we’ve held off racially balanced units before. As long as they’re still mostly straight men …

Ivanov [interrupting]: That’s not all commander. They’re 75 percent women. 30 percent identify as gay, 12 percent as bisexual, 7 percent as assorted queer sexualities.

Petrov: My God … Trannies?

Ivanov: Two whole rifle companies. Crack troops. Best of the best.

Petrov: Blyad! Prepare to evacuate to Moscow. We cannot hope to contain such a strong enemy with our regular white, cishet divisions.

Ivanov: Wait, commander! We shouldn’t give up yet, we mustn’t give up!

Petrov: You’re a good soldier, Ivanov, but you need to know defeat when you see it. Ray Mabus caused a military revolution when he discovered the strength-multiplying effects of diversity within a military force. And it’s not just raw strength, either. Diversity made the Americans more innovative too, Mabus discovered. Their weapons and tactics have never been more advanced relative to ours. We’re seeing the fruits of Mabus’ brilliant discovery now. Vladivostok, Murmansk, Rostov, they all have the rainbow flag flying over them now because of the diversity principle.

Ivanov: But sir! We could still counterattack! If the enemy force is 75 percent women, then maybe we can hit them when all of their menstrual cycles are lined up. They’ll be too cramped and bloated to fight back!

Petrov: Watch your language, lieutenant. Not all women menstruate, and not all those who menstruate are women. We can’t assume anything.

Ivanov: I’m sorry, sir. Is … is there any hope?

Petrov: At this point, I’m afraid not. We should have accepted President Malia Obama’s ultimatum to legalize gay marriage and recognize all 17 genders while we had the chance.

Ivanov: Wait, sir! I have another idea. It’s not too late to adopt the Americans’ military doctrine. We could start identifying as trans* as well!

Petrov: By God, Ivanov, you’re a genius! Fetch some scalpels from the surgeon’s tent, and tell Col. Kozak to requisition the supply of hormones we captured from the French at Kursk. Send a message to Moscow and tell them we need to concentrate every racial and ethnic studies professor we have in Smolensk, so we can make our forces there as transracial as possible. We’ll lick those Americans yet!

That night, Gen. Mikhail Petrov re-identified herself as Sofiya Jackson, a black trans* woman of size, and led her newly diversified soldiers into the decisive battle at Smolensk. While Jackson fell in the battle, she did so having given birth to a new, more diverse Russian army, one that could battle the Americans on an equal footing. The war, so close to ending in an easy American victory, would continue for many years to come… but that is a story for another time.

Satire from| The Daily Caller

Posted by gerardvanderleun at October 14, 2015 9:18 AM
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

Wait, did Petrov cry often? I didn't see that, so suspect the so called victory is just propaganda.

Posted by: chuck at October 14, 2015 12:01 PM

@arthurlabiastone, in spite of those *sweeping changes* you still couldn't make the grade.

Posted by: ghostsniper at October 14, 2015 1:50 PM

Mr. Stone, above, most likely spent his "military" years in Canada, enjoying LSD.

Posted by: Terry at October 14, 2015 3:54 PM

Only 17 genders? http://thepeoplescube.com/peoples-blog/fifty-ways-to-name-your-gender-t13091.html

Posted by: Harry at October 14, 2015 5:23 PM

This is resonant with the recent news that liberal saferoom Mount Holyoke College, which has proudly presented Eve Ensler's The Vagina Monologues for over 15 years, this year had the production closed due to a vocal group of malcontents claiming that, after all, not all "women" have vaginas and that not everyone with a vagina is a "woman" - and that therefore this little bit of socialist foot-stamping was in fact discriminatory, and must go down the memory hole.

This news was of course deeeeeply satisfying - but not as much so as sharing it with my knee-jerk liberal neighbor, and watching the smile fade into his beard. Who says there's no good news?

Posted by: Rob De Witt at October 14, 2015 5:59 PM

Interesting that they all have Mauser Kar98s.

Posted by: Speller at October 15, 2015 9:03 PM