Everywhere you go you see "Frequently Asked Questions" scattered about to help you find out what everybody else apparently knows. Nobody, as far as we know, is helping you with the essential questions of life, the Frequently Answered Questions ®.
These are the questions you ask or answer hundreds of times in your life. But do you answer them correctly? Sadly, millions of people do not.
As a public service we present the first in our ongoing series of answers to Frequently Answered Questions ®.
If you have any Frequently Answered Questions® you'd like help with, pop them in the comments and our crack staff of out-of-work philosophers, professional wise-guys, cut-rate gurus, and grief counselors between assignments will be happy to enlighten you.
Of course the number-one-with-bullet Frequently Answered Question® in today's post-racial America is:
Are you a racist?
Well, if the truth were told, who isn't? But say either "No," or "Who you calling a racist?" or "Get out of my face you dumb chunk of human garbage!"
As we all know, this question is never answered in the affirmative -- except by white liberals seeking to curry favor, get a date, or be declared legally black.
Indeed, this question doesn't have to be answered. The fact that you are being asked the question establishes that you are, indeed, a racist. This is primarily true if you happen to be of the white persuasion, but can also be true is you are of a member of a majority-minority. This means any minority which is larger than any other minority present.
Hence, a Native American gets to ask an African-American if he is a racist because the Native American is from a minority-minority (unless the encounter is happening in a Casino). However, the "once-was-a-slave" rule comes into play here since the minority-minority was only conquered and subjugated, rather than captured and subjugated and made to take a long, unpleasant sea voyage. By invoking the "once-was-a-slave" rule an African-American, even if one of the majority-minority, can reasonably deny racism since, having invented the "Are you a racist?" gambit, African-Americans cannot, ipso facto, be racist. Got it? Good. There will be a spot quiz on this question when you least expect it for the next 50 years so you'd better get crisp about it.
Was George Bush legally elected president the first time?
Only ask this question if you've got the next five hours to burn.
Is it still George Bush's fault?
Silly Rabbit, studies have shown that everything since and including the Crucifixion of Christ is George Bush's fault.
Have you lost weight?
Always an excellent question to ask. The answer doesn't matter and the asker really doesn't care unless he or she is about to hit you up for a loan.
Do you want fries with that?
Hey, if you wanted fries with that you'd have ordered the Happy Meal.
Do you love me?
Three answers only are allowed: "Yes. Of course. Yes, but..." Be careful with that last one.
Did you pack your own bag?
Yes, you always pack your bag. You'll be tempted to say that your new man-servant Abdul Arafat packed it in his tent, and then welded it shut so you couldn't peek. Resist this compulsion unless you crave proctological attention followed by long rides on Greyhound buses for life.
Did you get the license number?
Usually answered from a gurney as you are being slid into the ambulance. It hurts to answer but it will hurt more after they wire your jaw shut.
Did you sleep with her?
No. Pure and simple even if you're lying.
Did you sleep with him?
No. Pure and simple even if you're lying. Especially if you are lying.
Did you sleep with them?
Always answer YES! Even if it ruins your relationship you always have bragging rights and, who know, he or she might be into it.
Can I call you a cab?
Oh well, another expensive Saturday night shot to hell.
Can't we just be friends?
Okay, let's move along. Nothing to see or do here.
Can you hear me now?
One of the more irritating current questions in popular culture. The only acceptable answer is to ask where this TV joker lives, go to his house, and burn it to the ground. Please send his charred cell phone as confirmation for the thanks of a grateful nation.
Can I call you?
Unless the person you are asking has previously said, "Call me," the answer is "NO."
Buddy, can you spare a dime?
Once popular in song, this question, adjusted for inflation, now translates as, "Yo, can you spare a C-note and a Best Buy gift card?"
Are we there yet?
The only reasonable answer to this question is "NO!" since, if we were there, we'd be there, unless there is no there there when there becomes here.
The unreasonable answer to this question involves asking: "Do you want me to pull over?" and then immediately assuring the party addressed, "You don't want me to pull over."
With small children, asking if they want you to pull over is usually enough to keep them from repeating this question for at least three minutes.
Are you sure this isn't dangerous?
If the answer you hear is "No problem, I've done this thousands of times." -- run. If it is "I'm not sure." -- run faster.
Are you sure this is legal?
The answer you are looking for here is: "Perfectly." Double check.
Are you sure you're 18?
A question that is most often asked in the afterglow. Too late either way.
Are you gay?
Hey, we're ALL gay now. The real question is "Will you shake your booty with me in the boom-boom room?" Should you wish to play for time an acceptable answer is "I'm in transition."
Are you straight?
Nobody is straight anymore unless they're featured in "Worst Person in the World", in which case they are straight for the length of the monologue only and then can get back to being gay.
Does this make me look fat?
Always answer "Yes." You will save money in both the short and long term -- once you amortize the lawyers' fees.
If I light the fuse, should I get away?
If you didn't believe what was printed on the side, just stand there a few seconds more for the definitive answer.
If you love me still, will you love me moving?
Only if I don't have to pay for the van.
Am I guilty?
When you put yourself on trial the verdict is always guilty.
Have you driven a Ford lately?
Yes, but only as a $19.99 a day van rental.
Did you leave the toilet seat up again?
If you are tired of hearing this, you need to get either a second bathroom or a new woman. This answer works for either sex.
If you ask this after hearing "Duck!" it's too late for an answer.
Will I ever learn?
Of course you will. Just not now. Better luck next time.
Are you a boy or a girl?
A popular insult during the 60s and 70s, this question have been rendered null and void with the rise of the gender-optional generation.
Is it cold enough for you?
Always a heartwarming question since it signals that the depths of winter have been reached, and that it is only three short months until the same person will ask, "Is it hot enough for you?"
Who will be my role model when my role model is gone?
Either that man back down the alley or some roly-poly, little bat-faced girl. In either case, you might want to rethink needing a role model.
What would Jesus do?
Why don't you ask Him? He will tell you. The hard part is for you to act on it. He's not a bad role model if your role model is gone.
Do you know they refused Jesus too?
You're not Him.
Are you a Republicrat or Democan?
What were you thinking?
Most often asked of children or erring spouses, there is no real answer since the question clearly implies you were incapable of thought at the time of the incident. Your only hope is that the results do not require the MedEvac chopper.
Are you innocent?
Yes. Everybody in this prison is always innocent. Just ask them.
Are you pregnant?
The tone you use and the situation you are in when you ask this question is more important than the answer. Until you get the answer.
How high's the moon?
384,400 kilometers. More or less.
Are you registered to vote?
Yes, even if you are only registered on an Internet opinion site.
Are you sure this is safe?
If the answer is "No problem, I've done this thousands of times" prepare for disaster.
Do you believe in magic?
Yes, but only if the magic's in the music and the music's in me.
What will you take for this?
Figure out the most you'd take for it, double it, and accept half.
What's on your mind?
Oh, yeah? You and what army?
See "Hussain, Saddam v. Bush, George W."
Have you stopped beating your wife?
No, I just started, and the novelty hasn't worn off yet.
Will you respect me in the morning?
"What's going to happen between now and then that would persuade me to do that?"
Is it in yet?
What is the meaning of life?
Someone said it was 48. But now I am 74 plus and can't remember anything about 48.
Are you sure you can fly this thing?
Well I did OK on the simulat....