June 23, 2004

Berners-Lee: Internet 2 Will Deploy Ahead of Schedule, Winer to Own 1

"Meet the new boss .... "

TODAY WE RECEIVED THIS EARTHSHATTERING DISPATCH from the American Digest correspondent in Switzerland:

Dateline Geneva 6/23/2004, :
Hale Hubble Reporting

Today, Tim Berners-Lee (Creator of the World Wide Web) and the World Wide Web Consortium (W3C) made two startling announcements:

First, as the result of a crash program begun June of 2004, common carriers and ISPs, working with almost every reader of SlashDot have managed to implement "Internet 2" a decade ahead of schedule.

The deployment "Internet 2" will bring the equivalent of 10 T-1s to every Internet user making it possible for iTunes to deliver songs faster than you can buy them.

In a related development, Seagate announced the delivery, by Federal Express, of 10 Terabyte drives to every Internet user free of charge. The drives come preloaded with all songs on the iTunes server and, via a chron job invoking Microsoft's .NET passport, will automatically debit the ATM cards of all Internet users for their entire balance on a monthly basis, making bill paying a seamless snap at last. New content to iTunes will be updated to the drives daily.

But the real news continues to be the amazing deployment of Internet 2 on a schedule that recalled The Manhattan Project. ( The WWII effort and not the 1986 film of the same name.)

Because of these Herculean efforts, almost all existing Internet 1 content will be migrated transparently to Internet 2 between 2:28 and 2:30 GMT on June 30 (with the exception of online discussions concerning "American Idol" which will take place from 2:35 to 6:45 GMT on the same day). This migration is made possible thanks to billions of dollars of donations of time, money and equipment by companies like AT&T, Microsoft, Oracle, and Six Apart.

In the second even more exciting announcement, Tim Berners-Lee said that the old Internet was being given to Dave Winer, of Userland fame. "From this day forward," Berners-Lee said, "Dave will own Internet 1, and all sites therein. Dave will immediately be granted root access to all servers, and will be allowed to decide who can be on his Internet, and what they will be allowed to say. As a provision of this grant, Dave understands that he not be allowed on Internet 2 at all."

"It was all we could do", Berners-Lee continued in an exclusive interview . "We've be trying to get rid of this guy longer than Bush has been hunting for Bin Laden, but he just won't go away. We finally decided that we'd all just leave instead.".

Asked if it was unfair that Dave was getting the "old" Internet, Lee replied "Have you seen his sites? They look like someone typed them in on a Selectric, then pasted a newsprint photo to the top of them! He could get by with two 1200-baud modems and a rusty wire, must less the whole old Internet!".

Winer, who seemed curiously unaware of the Internet 2 announcement, could barely be located, much less contained for a coherant statement. We caught up with him taking his things out of 15 paper boxes on a back street in Queens, where he said "Yes! Yes! Yes! Finally, everything is turning out as it should!"

Asked about his plans, Winer replied that he'd immediately collect all root passwords, and convert every site to run on Radio Userland, the "blogging" tool which he developed in 1970 and continues to maintain was the "true origin of the Internet".

Asked if he thought his plans would cause any "disruption," Dave calmly announced that the Internet would be shut down for 2 weeks while he worked on the conversion. We asked if that wouldn't inconvenience any remaining Internet users, and Dave replied "Look, not only have you guys been using it for FREE all this time, but I have some really painful hemorrhoids and can't deal with it any faster.

"Besides,", he continued, "the whole naming scheme is messed up. I want to get rid of those stupid .com, .edu, etc. crap. I'm going to replace them with RELEVANT stuff, like .davesdaysnotsmoking, .davewatchedthismove, .davesbowelmovement, etc, etc".

In a related story, both the Israelis and Palestinians have overwhelmingly elected Berners-Lee as their leader. Arial Sharon was quoted as saying "If he could get rid of that schmuck Winer, he can solve anything.". Palestinians expressed similar sentiments, and three blew themselves up on Winer's front lawn in a tribute to Berners-Lee.


Posted by Vanderleun at June 23, 2004 11:18 AM
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

The funniest post in the world. :)

Posted by: Davide Inglima - limaCAT at June 23, 2004 11:59 AM

Oh that is priceless!

Posted by: Jake Ortman at June 23, 2004 12:33 PM

The worrying thing is that I've read so many right wing tabloids this month that this story actually ssems more realistic than a lot of the news that I have read

Posted by: Angry Chinese Blogger at June 24, 2004 7:55 PM


Very funny, although I haven't a clue who Dave Winer is. I went to HS with a Dave Winer though. Wonder if it's the same guy?

Posted by: Scott at June 25, 2004 12:06 AM

Absolutely hilarious!!

Posted by: Bill at June 25, 2004 12:30 AM