December 2, 2004

CBS Announces Dan Rather's Replacement

IN A SUDDEN TURNABOUT THAT SHATTERED MANY DREAMS AT CBS NEWS, LES MOONVES, HEAD OF CBS, today announced that the network has decided to replace veteran anchorman Dan Rather " with the only man in news broadcasting today that can repair and restore our credibility and ratings, Jon Stewart."

Mr. Stewart, host of The Daily Show on the Comedy Channel, brings, Moonves continued, "youth, truthfulness, and what we seem to lack most -- viewers and viewers who are young as well."

Asked if Dan Rather had any say in the selection of his replacement, Mooves commented "Dan reviewed Stewart's resume which was faxed over to his office and pronounced that document genuine. Beyond that Dan's made his last comment about anything. We want to move this story off of Dan Rather and onto the new line-up for CBS. Now, with the addition of Jon Stewart and CSI: Teaneck, New Jersey we've become the one to beat."

Outside analysts were unanimous in approving the move. William Safire of the New York Times remarked, "Jon Stewart who? Well, a baboon could do better. That Stewart show is past my bed time." Frank Rich, also of the New York Times said, "He's cute. Real cute. A Cary Grant for our time, but with firmer buttocks." Bill Moyers of PBS noted "Stewart has the uncanny ability to hold two different positions at the same time and John Kerry wasn't available so he'll have to do." Glenn Reynolds of Instapundit, contacted by email replied, "Indeed."

Although veteran television news analysts at CBS were dumbfounded at being taken out of the running for Rather's slot, they failed to notice that this is the position the clever Mr. Stewart has been angling for throughout his career. One member of Mr. Rather's staff commenting on background said, "We should have seen it coming when Jon took that supporting role in Death to Smoochie, about the backstabbing that goes on at a children's television show. 60 Minutes has been a lot like that lately."

Reached by phone in Baghdad where The Daily Show is preparing to cover the upcoming Iraqi elections, Mr. Stewart would only say "Dan Rather is like a God to me. I am not worthy. Gotta go, we've got incoming..... "

Mr. Rather was unavailable for comment, but his office promised a statement from him "just as soon as Andrew can talk him down from the edge of the roof here at Black Rock."

UPDATE: Less than three hours after this announcement was made, an outraged Bill O'Reilly had to be escorted from the lobby of Black Rock by no less than three security men. Ask for comment, O'Reilly would only say, "Mine. Mine. Mine. Mine. Mine...."

[Originally published September 27, 2004]

Posted by Vanderleun at December 2, 2004 11:20 AM
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

Best laugh of the day. Well, this and the quote by Bob Lee of CBS. Good job!

Posted by: Joan of Argghh! at September 27, 2004 2:15 PM

Note: Last I checked, Bill had more viewers than Dan did. He wouldn't want Dan's job.

Posted by: FH at September 27, 2004 5:48 PM


Posted by: Harvey at September 28, 2004 5:03 AM

Reasons why Kerry should NOT be elected as President:

1) This would be part of his White House staff:

Chief of Staff: Mary Mapes
National Security Advisor: Osama Bin Laden
Press Secretary: Michael Moore
Head Speech Writer: Dan Rather
Environmental Protection Agency: Robert Downey Jr.
Office of Management and Budget Director: Kenneth Lay
United States Trade Representative: Cheech Marin
Office of National Drug Control Policy: Tommy Chong
(New) Office of National Ketchup: Teresa Heinz Kerry
(New) Office of Forged Documents: Joe Lockhart
(New) Office of Just Plain Stupidity: Hillary Clinton

2) This would be his cabinet:

Secretary of Agriculture: Manuel Noriega
Secretary of Commerce: Ted (bootleg) Kennedy
Secretary of Defense: Bill Burkett
Secretary of Education: Mary Kay Letourneau
Secretary of Energy: Theodore Kaczynski
Secretary of Health and Human Services: Roger Clinton
Secretary of Homeland Security: Abu Musab al-Zarqawi
Secretary of Housing & Urban Development: Martha Stewart
Secretary of the Interior: David Berkowitz
Department of Justice: Lyndie England
Secretary of Labor: Heidi Fleiss
Secretary of State: Jacques Chirac
Secretary of Transportation: Ralph Nader
Secretary of Treasury: Arthur Andersen
Secretary of Veterans Affairs: Jane Fonda

Keep left - you will have a head on collision - Keep right - you will be fine. A Vote for Bush is a vote for our Country. A vote for Kerry will lead us into anarchy.

Posted by: lil BB at September 28, 2004 7:30 AM