July 3, 2004

John Kerry's Flying Circus

Democrat John Kerry (news - web sites) plans to announce his vice presidential running mate in an e-mail to the 1 million subscribers to his campaign Web site.

But he didn't say when.
Yahoo! News - Kerry to Announce Running Mate in E-Mail

Series 2, Episode 24: How Not to Be Seen

Cut to a wide-angle shot of hedgerows, fields and trees.)

Voice Over (John Cleese): In this campaign there is a Democratic candidate for President. He cannot be seen. In this campaign, John Kerry's main hope of being elected lies in his not being seen. In this posting we hope to show you how John Kerry plans on not being seen by the American electorate, before or after the election.


Voice Over: In this film we hope to show how not to be seen. This is GENERAL WESLEY CLARKE of Clintonville. he wants to be President. He can not be seen. Now I am going to ask him to stand up. General Clarke, will you stand up please?

In the distance General Clarke stands up. There is a loud gunshot as Clarke is shot in the buttocks. He crumples to the ground

Voice Over: This demonstrates the value of not being seen.

Cut to another location - an empty area of scrubland

Voice Over: In this picture we cannot see MR. AL SHARPTON of Hustlerville on the Hudson. Mr. Sharpton is a professional buffoon with a haircut that is suspected of being an alien life form. Mr. Sharpton has never been elected but often indicted. He too wants to be President of the United States or at least collect a lot of money for pretending. Mr. Sharpton will you stand up please?

To the right of the area Mr. Sharpton stands up. A gunshot rings out, and Mr. Sharpton leaps into the air, and falls to the ground and begins to prattle on various talk shows. Cut to another area, however this time there is a bush in the middle

Voice Over: This is GOVERNOR HOWARD ("Aieeegahhhhhh!") DEAN of Upper Babboon's Bunghole, Vermont. Governor Dean would you stand up please. (after a pause - nothing happens) Governor Dean has learnt the value of not being seen. However he has chosen a very obvious piece of shrubbery.

The bush explodes and you hear a muffled "GointoNewYorkCaliforniaWisconsin ... Aieeegahhhhh!" scream. Cut to another scene with three bushes

Voice Over: Mr. John Edwards of The Dead Kennedys' Theme Park has presented us with a poser. We do not know which bush Edwards is behind, but we can soon find out. (The left-hand bush explodes, then the right-hand bush explodes, and then the middle bush explodes. There is a muffled scream as John Edwards is blown up leaving only his hairpiece.) Yes it was the one with the really beautiful haircut.

Cut to a shot of a farmland area with a water barrel, a wall, a pile of leaves, a bushy tree, a parked car, and lots of bushes in the distance

Voice Over: RICHARD GEPHARDT, of Heartland, USA, has concealed himself extremely well. He could be almost anywhere. He could be behind the wall, inside the water barrel, beneath a pile of leaves, up in the tree, squatting down behind the car, concealed in a hollow, or crouched behind any one of a hundred bushes. However we happen to know he's in the water barrel.

The water barrel just blows up in a huge explosion. Cut to a panning shot from the beach huts to beach across the sea

Voice Over: Ostensible Senator and Democratic Candidate for President JOHN KERRY has been hiding from the electorate ever since his advisors advised him that the less that was known about him the more likely people would be to actually vote for him.

To enhance his position of not being seen Senator Kerry has decided to communicate with the people and the press only by email via his exclusive members only web site. Today Mr. Kerry announced via a cut and paste job on Senator Mrs. Ms. William Jefferson Hillary Rodham-Clinton's Instant Messenger Account on AOL, that he would notify the world of his choice of Vice President through an email message sometime so stay tuned. In the meantime, Senator Kerry would continue to not be seen. But Senator Ted Kennedy told us where he was while in an alcoholic blackout and bartering for another shot of Grandpa's Overcoat.....

The camera pans around and stops on a obvious looking hut, which blows up. Cut to a house with a John Kerry standing out front

Voice Over: And here is Senator John Kerry spending another blissful afternoon not voting in the Senate (he blows up, leaving just his designer jeans. Cut to a shack in the desert) Here is where his billionaire wife lives. (shack blows up - cut to a building) And this is where Al Gore lived who refused to speak to us in anything less than a shout, (it blows up) , so did the feckless gentleman who founded MoveOn.org .... (shot of a house - it blows up) and here .....(another building blows up) and of course here the Democratic National Committee ..... (a series of various atom and hydrogen bombs at the moment of impact)

Posted by Vanderleun at July 3, 2004 3:16 PM
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

Beautiful use of one of my all-time favorite MPFC bits!

Posted by: Chris of Dangerous Logic at July 3, 2004 6:48 PM

Close with "We'll meet again" playing over a montage of nuclear explosions, a la Dr. Strangelove.

Posted by: Stephen at July 4, 2004 10:40 PM

Does this form work like a guestbook?

Posted by: Johnny at November 4, 2004 11:35 AM