October 15, 2004

Lileks Withdraws from Race He Never Joined with Accordion Medley

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Based on this report from our reporter in Minnesota, the editorial board at American Digest can only conclude that we were mistaken in our original enthusiasm for a Lileks candidacy. Therefore we take Mr. Lileks at his word (not to mention his actions ) and declare we will no longer support or report on this woeful incident in the history of the blogsphere.

We do this not just for Mr. Lileks, but "for the children."

=== JASPERWOOD, MN: EXCLUSIVE TO AMERICAN DIGEST ===

At his first and last news conference held in the elegant Tiki Lounge at Jasperwood, James Lileks today made the extent of his political ambitions clear. They are somewhere south of absolute zero.

In a stunning wrap-up to what has to be the most meteoric political career in

American history, Mr. Liliks neither flipped nor flopped:

"Itís been a difficult day on the campaign front for my nonexistent, fictional, and utterly NON HAPPENING 06 Senate run. Such things happen when people read too much into the joke. Please: I would rather unspool my guts with a rusty ice pick than run for any sort of office. ITíS a JOKE and I had nothing to do with it, and I donít want this to get out of hand. So itís a dead issue. K? K. "

LILEKS (James) also noted that politics in America today were "unfair to children and other living things," and that he "....needed to spend more time with my family, and finish that Spock costume of mine in time for Halloween."

Lileks closed the conference with a bizarre accordion medley he'd evidently written for the occasion. To the physical distress of the assembled press, he attempted to blend Neil Young's "Into the Blue" with Douglas McArthur's "Old Soldiers Never Die Farewell Address" as a spirited polka.

My my, hey hey

I do not stand here as advocate for any partisan cause.

Rock and roll is here to stay

There are those who claim our strength is inadequate to protect on both fronts, that we cannot divide our effort. I can think of no greater expression of defeatism.

It's better to burn out

Efforts have been made to distort my position. It has been said in effect that I was a warmonger. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Than to fade away

Once war is forced upon us, there is no other alternative than to apply every available means to bring it to a swift end. War's very object is victory, not prolonged indecision.

My my, hey hey.

[accordion solo evoking guitar break in the Byrds "Bells of Rhymney"]

Out of the blue

There are some who for varying reasons would appease...

and into the black

History teaches with unmistakable emphasis that appeasement but begets new and bloodier war.

They give you this,

Some may say suck up to the UN to avoid spread of the conflict into an all-out war.

but you pay for that

Like a cobra, any new enemy will more likely strike whenever it feels that the relativity in military or other potential is in its favor on a worldwide basis.

And once you're gone,

I am closing my fifty-two hours of my political career. When I joined the race [NOT!], even last Tuesday, it was the fulfillment of all my pundish hopes and dreams.

you can never come back

The world has turned over twice since I took the oath in my own mind on the lawn at Jasperwood.

When you're out of the blue

I still remember the refrain of one of the most popular Free Republic screeds (18,935 views) which proclaimed most proudly that old politicians never lose elections; they are just nibbled to death by special interests or drooled on by Garrison Keillor.

and into the black.

And like the old politician of that screed I now close my political career and just fade away, an old pundit who tried to do his duty as the Blogsphere gave him the light to see that duty. Good-bye.

Based on this unsettling performance, the use of an accordion in a group, his reference to Garrison Keillor, and his stunning renunciation, this reporter is sadly forced to conclude that, regardless of his other strengths, Mr. Lileks is unfit for office of any kind.

Posted by Vanderleun at October 15, 2004 9:32 AM
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