June 9, 2006

"Alley, alley, oxen free!"-- Osama Tosses Turban into the Ring for 2006 American Elections

AFTER A RECENT SERIES OF HIGH LEVEL MEETINGS with ranking Democrats at the Kennedy compound in Hyannisport, Massachusetts, ranking honorary Democrat Osama Bin Laden of Rat Hole, Pakistan, emerged from seclusion with some of the International Democratic Party talking points for the 2006 US election.

Although the Aljazeera ("Bin Laden offers Americans truce") translation was spotty at best, our analysts here at American Digest have prepared an annotated version to help our readers discern where Bin Laden's positions and those of his new cohorts in the Democratic party overlap.

OBL: "The new operations of al-Qaida has not happened not because we could not penetrate the security measures. It is being prepared and you'll see it in your homeland very soon."

[TRANS: Indeed, we have almost penetrated your security measures, and are only waiting for our friend Teddy Kennedy to remove the last barrier, the Patriot Act. He has promised us that only a few weeks remain. We await this with keen anticipation.]

OBL: "We do not mind establishing a long-term truce between us and you."

[TRANS: Us -- lonely and a bit cold here in the Afghan/Pakistan mountains with only a replica-kit dialysis machine to keep us warm.

You -- a shapely US senator from San Francisco with a yen for masculine Arab men with skeevy beards and a large endowment. Let there be peace between you and us that our planned cruise to Cancun can unfold, and that I may pluck your fragrant desert flower.]

OBL: "This message is about the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and how to end those wars.

[TRANS: You bugger off. We stay. By the way, thanks for the ammo, the airbases, the improved roads, the armor, and the freshly trained and equipped armies. They will make my old friends in Saudi Arabia sit up and take notice, I tell you. The resulting tumult will, as I have agreed with MoveOn and George Soros, cause my Saudi Arabian oil to rise to $150 a barrel and bring on the alternative fuel boomlet the Democratic environmentalists have been yearning for. After all, as they told me just last week, "When oil is outlawed, only environmentalists will have recumbent bicycles."]

OBL:"It was not my intention to talk to you about this, because those wars are definitely going our way.

[TRANS: Here I am, after all, dining resplendently on goat's head soup for the 1,112th consectutive day and watching the mud flake off the walls of my hut. What could be more cool, or, as my main squeeze Nancy Pelosi says, "more authentic" ? Still, I could use a fresh pair of high-top Converse. Duct tape only goes so far.]

OBL: "But what triggered my desire to talk to you is the continuous deliberate misinformation given by your President [George] Bush, when it comes to polls made in your home country which reveal that the majority of your people are willing to withdraw US forces from Iraq.

[TRANS: "Bush lied and my favorite sheep died...." Oh, sorry, just a brief emotional flashback to Tora Bora.

As I was saying, I am so pleased that the leftovers from the $40 million I donated to that horse-faced John Kerry (I mean, does he look like Sarah Jessica Parker in drag, or what?) is still being used to run these polls by the same 1,500 New York Times' subscribers on the Upper West Side of Manhattan.

And I have to say that that fine young man Pinch S., he of the heavenly bubble buttocks, is doing a splendid job of getting my "results" out there to the waiting world. A few more poll questions like the last one and you'll have me believing it.]

OBL:"We know that the majority of your people want this war to end and opinion polls show the Americans do not want to fight the Muslims on Muslim land, nor do they want Muslims to fight them on their [US] land.

[TRANS: I know this for a fact because I read it in the forums at Daily Kos -- He of the heavenly soft and peach tinted flesh, may Allah preserve his firmness. I save and treasure each one of Kos' late-night chat sessions, and anticipate his promised gift of a pup-tent.]

OBL: "But Bush does not want this and claims that it is better to fight his enemies on their land rather than on American land.

[TRANS: As if we would let him do so. Why, after engaging the entire Democratic lobbying industry on K Street, does he think he will not have to withstand barrage after barrage of incoming blather in this election cycle. Why we've recently sent in only one minion, Suicide Blatherer Murtha, and look what he was able to do.]

OBL: "Bush tried to ignore the polls that demanded that he end the war in Iraq.

[TRANS: Hah, fat chance. We've got him bracketed with the New York Times, the Washington Post, CNN, the major television networks, and the "Dems Seeking Terrorists" section of craigslist.org.]

OBL: "We are getting increasingly stronger -- while your situation is getting from bad to worse."

[TRANS: Just look at the beating your Alito took from my Senate Committee last week. The man's wife was reduced to tears, praise Allah. Imagine what I can do if I unleash Senator Schumer on CSPAN to question each American personally. I can promise you a wave of blather-assisted suicide among your elderly in only three days after that.]

OBL: "The war in Iraq is raging and the operations in Afghanistan are increasing."

[TRANS: Yes it is because I say so. Ignore the increasing decimation of my suicide soldiers. There are always more fools standing in line to strap on the vest. My formation of the Allah Youth Battalions have nothing to do with the desperate Hitler Youth on late 1945.]

OBL: "In response to the substance of the polls in the US, which indicate that Americans do not want to fight Muslims on Muslim land, nor do they want Muslims to fight them on their land, we do not mind offering a long-term truce based on just conditions that we will stick to.

[TRANS: Hey, King's X, okay? Just conditions means 1) Impeach Bush, 2) Elect only Democrats in 2006, 3) Drinks on the house at Cheers, 4) My good friends Teddy and Michael stay on their Pritikin diet plan.]

OBL: "We are a nation that Allah banned from lying and stabbing others in the back, hence both parties of the truce will enjoy stability and security to rebuild Iraq and Afghanistan, which were destroyed by war.

[TRANS: Trust me and my associates Howard Dean and Hilary Clinton with our plan for world domination by boring the electorate into a voting coma.]

OBL: "There is no problem in this solution, but it will prevent hundreds of billions from going to influential people and war lords in America - those who supported Bush's electoral campaign - and from this, we can understand Bush and his gang's insistence on continuing the war." 

[TRANS: One word, 'Halliburton.' ]

OBL: "If your desire for peace, stability and reconciliation was true, here we have given you the answer to your call."

[TRANS: Diane Feinstein, Nancy Pelosi, Barbara Boxer, Cindy Sheehan, Joan Baez, and Barbra Streisand, please check your voice mail and get back to me about that Harem Fantasy we worked out last week during our conference call.

Your friend with benefits,
Pensive in Peshawar.]

Posted by Vanderleun at June 9, 2006 11:47 AM
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

Gerard, I have always said that you're one of the best and most creative writers in the 'sphere, and here you've proven it again. Hilarious and poltically astute at the same time. Makes my own interpretation quite feeble, I fear.

Posted by: Donald Sensing at January 19, 2006 4:01 PM

He has the video's of himself with weapons in the war. Probably has a silver crescent, with a star for valor and he'll probably take credit for all those purple fingers in Iraq. He has the support of the liberal press and politicians. Look out Hillary!

Posted by: Dennis at January 19, 2006 6:33 PM

Nice work Gerard! How about we design some campaign buttons and posters?? Get a jump on the market.

Posted by: Dave at January 20, 2006 7:37 AM

Why do piss-your-pants-scared republicans think comparing Osama to dems is funny?
[Perhaps because we see the parallels so clearly?]

Ironic would be more like it, especially since you cowards started a fight you apparently can't finish (again).
[Oh, it will be finished. Not to your liking, I'm sure, but finished it will be.]

The Army's raised the age for enlistment again. What's your excuse for not going and getting Osama? Oh, yeah, too busy writing trite crap.
[Strange how this keeps coming up. Transference, I believe. A classic case.]

And your pathetic posters?
[Here you are typing for yourself.]

"Nice work Gerard! How about we design some campaign buttons and posters?? Get a jump on the market."
[For one so quick to use "ironic" you seem unclear on the core concept.]

They should read "2000+ soldiers dead and we still haven't got the guy responsible for 9/11", don't you think? Now THAT'S funny!
[Revenge is a dish we eat cold. Just wait for it.]

Posted by: dano347 at January 20, 2006 10:05 AM


From Wolcott:

Michael Moore didn't bring down the towers, Howard Dean isn't responsible for Bin Laden remaining at large, and, unlike the fisking blogger, the overwhelming majority of liberal Manhattanites didn't lose their nerve and flee the city after 9/11. They, we, stayed put. It's the cowardly lions who curled up into a fetal ball and remain there today, talking tough and fooling no one but themselves.

Posted by: Basement Warrior at January 20, 2006 10:14 AM

Sigh, what is one to say. One hopes for worthy opponents and instead gets barren old drunks like Wolcott.

Oh well, nobody said the Democrats today concentreated on quality.

Posted by: Gerard Van der Leun at January 20, 2006 1:11 PM

I couldn't agree more. He is indeed a tool.

Posted by: perianwyr at January 20, 2006 2:10 PM

Time for you to enlist">http://www.goarmy.com/flindex.jsp">enlist? You want to put your skin where your mouth is, right?
One day soon, the Army's enlistment standards will catch up with your qualifications.

Posted by: Laffn Mann at January 20, 2006 4:26 PM

Seriously... I don't get it. Why is this funny?

I don't agree with Democrats all the time, but I don't see what's humorous about calling them "terrorists" because you disagree with their politics. After all, it was a Republican President who said he would catch bin Laden "Dead or Alive", and we've yet to see that happen.

What is funny about insinuating fellow Americans with the man who attacked our country?

Posted by: Maya at January 20, 2006 4:29 PM

After all, it was a Republican President who said he would catch bin Laden "Dead or Alive"

Same guy who said "Mission Accomplished" three years ago, right?

Posted by: Pug at January 20, 2006 7:03 PM

That's unintentionally hilarious.

Posted by: matt at January 20, 2006 7:59 PM

the sad fact is the tape reminds us that 4 years after 9/11 we haven't caught binforgotten.
I guess wanted "dead or alive" isn't that important.
But at least we are improving the lifes of the people of iraq.

Posted by: lyle at January 20, 2006 8:12 PM

Hm. If Osama's a Democrat, and Bush always triumphs over Democrats, how come Osama's still at large? It can only be because manly men like Ged haven't put their asses on the line.

Posted by: ahem at January 20, 2006 8:28 PM

The holy trinity of the modern Democrat apologist.
If you can ignore the myriad international and domestic tragedies which modern liberalism has created, abetted or appallingly ignored, in order to find "comedy" of their policies and style in today's current events, you are indeed gifted in your ignorance.

James Wolcott remains, for me, the pargon of morons.

Posted by: freethinker at January 20, 2006 9:01 PM

I still think you are a genius at surfacing the lurkers, Gerard. Remember our plans for the Well: Hard Truths for Deep Idiots. I still regret we didn't get around to that one.

Posted by: mandel at January 21, 2006 9:07 AM

All Things Beautiful TrackBack Daily Kos Is A Mouthpiece For Kerry's Campaign

"Some sanity to calm the nerves, and a very good laugh. Just kidding, but do read Joe Katzman's great post, and Gerard Vanderleun's not to be missed translation of the Bin Laden campaign speech"

Posted by: Alexandra at January 21, 2006 11:14 AM

Even for a left wing idiot, James Wolcott is truly an asshole among men.

I had to rush over here from his site to say that.

Posted by: 867-5309 at January 21, 2006 11:35 AM

Why dont you tell your mommy you got your butt handed to you by a barren old drunk.

Except he doesn't drink, and your older than he is.

As for barren, I won't even go there.

Posted by: SnarkyShark at January 21, 2006 12:22 PM

Q: "How many democrats does it take to get a joke"

A: "That's not funny! And you're dumb!"

Posted by: LeftiesAreSoMuchFun at January 21, 2006 1:33 PM

Yeah, great joke: Democrats = terrorist sympathizers.


{By their words and works shall ye know them.}

Posted by: hipdadiddy at January 21, 2006 9:24 PM

This is kind of sad and beneath you, Gerard. I remember you from your OMNI days, and it's a bit of a shock to see someone I respected smearing his fellow Americans simply because they don't share his current political philosophy.

Wow. Eye-opening. Just not in the way I think you wanted.

Posted by: connorfc at January 22, 2006 12:13 AM

When a President leads a nation to a desert so bare that even a cactus cannot find one drop of sufficient integrity to survive, it's not uncommon for members of that nation to cannibalize each other, trying to last.

The problem is that some see the nation as real estate which, left intact, indicates the nation persists. Others see the nation as a set of ideals that supersede the value of mere property.

Measuring the well-being of our nation from the vantagepoint of the property owner, it's easy to conclude nothing's amiss. But without the added value of ideals, codified into law, the country's like real estate in a bad location. It may sell, but at a very cheap price.

Thus, your parody is naught but a sales pitch. It lacks the capacity to uncheapen the price you're willing to sell the country at. And selling so cheap does a grave disservice to those who fought and died or are fighting and dying today, in the hope there is sufficient value to the land to make their sacrifices worth it.

You mistake politicians and messengers as either grass or crabgrass, both of which sit on the surface as the most visible part of the land. But most of the land's gems and natural resources lie just below that. You defend those who would stripmine it and seed the surface, simply because the surface remains green.

I prefer to defend those willing to expose the subsurface - no matter what party they're from - if their goal is to remind us where value can be restored or added.

Bin Laden is a destroyer of property, surface and subsurface, with a messianic complex. None of the political people you've mentioned display similar propensities, so the parody fails to amuse any but those who were anti-Democrat or anti-liberal before you spoke.

Sure, anyone can play to a known audience. But that should not be mistaken as a contribution to the health of the land that either adds to its value or enhances its chances of survival. Astroturf can keep it green. But that's not what will keep it America, even if it suffices to keep your audience.

Posted by: Kevin Hayden at January 22, 2006 12:25 AM

The holy trinity of the modern Democrat apologist.
If you can ignore the myriad international and domestic tragedies which modern liberalism has created, abetted or appallingly ignored, in order to find "comedy" of their policies and style in today's current events, you are indeed gifted in your ignorance.

James Wolcott remains, for me, the pargon of morons."
Posted by: freethinker

That's just glorious that the people commenting from Wolcott are so pathetic that they had to restate the comment this comment's comment meant to mock. Wolcott at least paraded about in his thong, even though it was leather. I love that look.

Posted by: Isaac at January 22, 2006 3:01 AM

OMNI days? What was that? 20 - 25 years back? I know to many it seems like only yesterday, but it wasn't.

If only we could all stay forever as people would like us to be.

Posted by: Gerard Van der Leun at January 22, 2006 1:01 PM

After reading the comments from the reactionary left I can only say; friends don't let friends comment in a chemically induced vegetative state.

Posted by: Alan Kellogg at June 10, 2006 2:13 PM

OMNI? You mean I've been reading stuff you've had a hand in for that long?


Posted by: Eric Blair at June 12, 2006 5:03 AM