The Canonical "Things Learned From Children"

• If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
• It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
• If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
• A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.
• A 3 year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
• A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
• A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
• The fire department has at least a 5 minute response time.
• Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
• Plastic toys do not like ovens.
• Always locate the hamster and look in the oven before you turn it on.
• You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
• When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
• A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
• The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
• Any sentence which contains the word 'Oooops' is bad.
• Any sentence beginning with, "How much do you love me?" means 'prepare for bad news'.
• Baseballs make marks on ceilings
• Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
• Bugs are not a dietary supplement.
• Cats do not like to be wrapped in duct tape.
• And cats get even.
• Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
• But not all Legos.
• Collecting things is good.
• Collecting things that come out of your nose is not.
• Eating string is a bad hobby.
• Discovering string the next day is a disgusting hobby.
• Driveway seal coating and children DO NOT MIX!
• Fan and flour should never be heard in the same sentence.
• Finger painting is good.
• Finger painting walls is dangerous.
• Fish can not use a remote control, even if placed in their tank.
• Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
• If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades,they can ignite.
• If you hear the words, "Can ya eat a lizard's tail?" it's too late.
• If you hear the words, "Guess what's in my hands," you don't want to know.
• If you hear the words, "Guess what's in my mouth," you REALLY don't want to know.
• Lipstick on the TV screen changes mommy's mood.
• Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
• McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
• Most toilets can not consume an entire roll of toilet paper without choking.
• Never light fireworks inside.
• No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
• No time is a good time to hear, "Daddy, your tires are 'hisssssing.'"
• Nor do you want to hear, "Your new cell phone doesn't work underwater."
• Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
• Quiet does not necessarily mean everythings just fine.
• Scissors and hair are often a dangerous combination.
• Setting the hamster free changes the cat's mood.
• Some things will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old that you'd imagine would remain forever.
• Super glue is forever.
• The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
• The toilet does not make a permanent fish aquarium.
• There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
• Throwing daddy's wallet in the trash compactor can change his mood.
• Two AM is not a good time to hear, "Daddy, diapers don't flush!"
• Under the bed is not a good place to save snowballs for summer.
• VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
• Walnuts make the blender act funny.
• When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
• You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
• You never want to hear, "Watch me fly!" coming from the roof.
• I dont know. is not an acceptable explanation or legal plea.
• "Why do fish float?" means trouble.

Posted by Vanderleun at October 22, 2003 1:43 PM | TrackBack