May 4, 2005

Love Gone Missing

ABSENT BEING IN A COMA IN A CAVE somewhere on a high mountain in the middle of a cypress swamp, you cannot escape "The Runaway Bride." She is the plat du jour of our blighted age and the story of the decade so far this week. Now that she's back she'll be parsed and probed, drawn, quartered and eviscerated by the rapacious media until she's little more than a damp spot on some surgical sponge.

I hated The Runaway Bride from the first moment it was revealed she was safe and had simply freaked out and taken the geographic cure by getting gone to Vegas. Sane people have to hate Las Vegas too -- a place that advertises that when you do freak out, it is the psycho's vacation destination of choice. A pathetic reason for a town to exist, but cheap and low places need to work with what they have. After all, nobody would mistake Vegas for Vatican City until, of course, they build a 1/3rd scale model of Saint Peters and slam six thousand slots into the basilica -- something I am sure is in the planning stage.

Still Vegas is the perfect place for The Runaway Bride to select as the terminus of her

bus ticket. Once you go psycho in America it seems you have to pass through at least a Vegas of the mind and soul even if your final destination is someplace much more mundane like.... Albuquerque.

Let her go.
Let her go. God bless her,
Wherever she may be.
She can search, search this whole world wide over....

-- St. James Infirmary

Let's look instead at what lies far below the personalities of this pathetic drama to the deeper principles which illumine why this little tale has had such a large impact.

Father forgive the media, they know not what they do. But sometimes they do things right in spite of themselves. This is one of those stories. And no matter how many in the media beat up their peers for paying so much attention to this tawdry tale, it goes in the end to a deeper truth about ourselves and our lives.

What we are really seeing here is something that has a deep and abiding interest to humans because it is something that happens -- in their secret hearts and deeper souls -- to millions of human beings every single day. This latest passage is merely some modern passion play in which people act out on the stage of the nation our daily common tragedy entitled: Love Gone Missing.

It seems to me that if we knew the secrets of all our hearts, we'd know that love goes missing in our country thousands of times an hour. It doesn't usually go for a run, take a taxi, and grab a bus for destinations thousands of miles away, but that can often be the end of it.

Love goes missing in a moment of fear, of spite, of words spoken or left unspoken, in blink of an eye or a sentence only half-heard or remember wrongly. Love untempered by fire or by ice is a skittish thing in our lives. We think we know what it is, but we really only know what we've been told it is -- at least at the beginning.

We've been told Love is the white-hot passion that comes at the beginning of romance and is supposed to sustain itself at that level of heat across the decades. When that expectation burns through the weak vessels that we are, love goes missing -- off on a
quest to find the next pile of fuel on which to burn. Go to a Family Courthouse in any county in this country on any day of the week and you'll see, scattered about the corridors, the scorched waste, sodden ash and family rubble left by this fools' fire.

We've been told that Love is seen in the increasingly lavish weddings whose example is the 14 bridesmaids, 600 guests bash that our current poster child for Love Gone Missing fled from. With such a monstrous beginning, what love could not go missing either before or soon after. No real love can measure up to such grandiose beginnings. After all, Princess Diana had only 5 bridesmaids at her wedding and we all know about the bloody tunnel in which that love gone missing ended in a Paris night.

Wise people and scriptures all tell us that Love, if it is not to go missing, should be built carefully and slowly until what lies inside Love is seen and grasped. But our Love we are told should not be centered on the soul but on things. We are told that Love needs to be seen in the world through things -- the place setting from Tiffany's, the endless objects from the multiple registries, the proof positive of the house becoming the ever larger house as we flip our homes every three years to get our nice appreciation rise. And so we seek to buttress and shore up Love by meeting the expectations of others in the material realm. God forbid you fail those expectations, for then, in an instant of selfish decision that always opts for better and not for worse, Love Goes Missing.

I've seen love go missing in a single, secret, brief and enraged glance on Christmas Day. I've heard love go missing months before the front door slammed. I've seen it go missing in me in a hundred silent moments where I did not speak my heart and in a hundred other moments when I spoke my heart falsely and far too quick. And the only thing I think I've learned about love gone missing is to let it go -- and I'm not even sure about that no matter how often it is repeated to me. Your milage, of course, may vary.

For most of us, when Love Goes Missing it is not easily found again. When it goes missing it goes -- near or far in space -- a long, long way away and we don't have the town turn out to walk search grids for our family, or issue nationwide alerts, or offer $100,000 rewards. It just goes and once it goes we may struggle to find it for a time, but by that time it is far out of reach and beyond our puny power to locate.

But even if one could locate it, what good would that do? Love gone missing can't be compelled to return like some runaway bride taken through the airports with a cloak over its head -- an apprehended perpetrator of the non-crime of going missing. Love's a wild force in our too domesticated and ordered frantic lives. Once gone missing,for whatever reason, it can't be just taken back as it was even if it is found. For if love gone missing is found and returns, it always remains a shattered vessel.

Yes, I know that in the endless bromides of our modern Therapeutic State Religion one is supposed to find the heart, the mercy and the compassion and the patience to pick up every little shard of what has been shattered and, with our ample supplies of theraputic superglue, painfully and tediously put it all back together as it was. Except, of course, it can never be what it was.

Love gone missing takes with it the hostages of trust and truth but they don't come back with it if it returns. They've been buried somewhere en route and their locations long forgotten, far off the map. Even if you could accept it without them, you'd still see the fine hairline cracks in the vase you put back together together. You'd both handle the love like a rare museum object, always looking for the next soft place to store it so that it could not break or escape again. Love under constant guard will never be entirely free from the craving to go missing once again. At any time and for any reason. Sometimes for no reason of love at all.

So, like some many other things that ring deep in the changes of our hearts, we look for what to do; for how we can fix what cannot be fixed by us. If we find love gone missing and if it seems to have been returned to us we look to repair the rare and delicate thing. But it is, we find, like trying to repair a Swiss Watch with sledgehammer. Nobody human has that delicate a touch.

Perhaps it is better, in the end, to learn to let it be. Nobody says you can have only one love with one person. If there can be, and there is, room for more than one love in one life, perhaps there can be more than one love in one love. Maybe the answer, if answer there be, is not the easy answer of repair, but the harder answer of starting all over from the gross and shapeless clay of love.

Maybe you worked too fast at the first pass of love and threw on the wheel of your days a lopsided and thin pot, something that had, deep inside it, some emptiness, some pockets of thin air that you could not see from outside, but that caused it to crack inside under the long heat of our lives of days and hands. Not everything that's pretty is strong.

Perhaps the best thing to do with love gone missing is, as said before, to just let it go and get it gone. It seems cold to say that no search will find it again as it was, but that's probably the truth. At the same time, and in the always inscrutable nature of love, to know that love has gone missing is not the same as knowing that love itself is gone. That's the thing that we always seem to miss and that we need to remember.

Maybe, if you take the time to improve your skills on the wheel of life, you will be able at some point to take up the clay of that love and, kneading more patiently, centering more carefully, and shaping with care and constant hands a better, stronger vessel. It might not be as fine and pretty as the first more delicate one, but it could be good and serviceable and steady. Not at all as likely to shatter on a glance or a word or a silence or a shadow and just go missing. Like all things made here on the great wheel, it could in time just be coming around again.

Posted by Vanderleun at May 4, 2005 10:51 AM
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

Excruciating. I have to believe that perhaps you and I have had some of the same types of experiences, and from them come to some of the same conclusions. Bravo.

Posted by: Dan N. at May 4, 2005 1:09 PM

Fantastic! I can't explain why, but this is particularly on point for a close friend who desperately needs to read a piece like this.

I had not considered the runaway bride beyond my initial response which (I'm sure) is the typical male response [groom, cut the woman loose and never look back] but you have definitely set me to thinking.

Posted by: RattlerGator at May 4, 2005 1:42 PM

No, Gerard; with all respect, Love does not come and go, not the real thing at least.

Love suffers long, and is kind; love does not envy, does not vaunt itself, is not puffed up, does not behave itself unseemly, seeks not its own, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil; rejoices not in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails.

I haven't been in a church since I was wed - well, rewed, actually - nearly 18 years ago. But I recognize, and recommend, the definition of Love provided by First Corinthians 13.

And it doesn't go missing.


Posted by: Everyman at May 4, 2005 3:09 PM

You are writing without the filter, Mr. Van der Leun.

I envy you. Admire you much, much more - but have got to wonder how the professional writer in you is feeling with the new tools in your box.

Just about everything you have posted this recent past slice of time has struck me on a physical level. You have written essays (and such poetry) that used to cause me to pull out scissors and collect magazine pages, or just stash the whole issue on the far corner of the bookshelf with the other keepers.

The lit'rary cluebat hits hard.

Don't know you. Don't know your story, but appreciate you translating the facts and emotions into forms that you can share. Don't know if you are answering any questions of mine, or attempting to give birth to answers for your own. I get glimpses into the furnace of your soul, though.

Not many people crack that door - and almost never on purpose.

Best of luck to you. And thank you for what you do here.

Posted by: TmjUtah at May 4, 2005 8:08 PM

Deep, deep, deep.
You have to wonder how much collateral damage from these little 'emotional bombs' is started by someone who is simply afraid to be by themself.
(If that makes any sense.)

Posted by: ed in texas at May 5, 2005 4:30 AM


Perhaps love does not "go missing," in the true sense of things. But, being as it is, something felt, communicated and nurtured between two or more people, it is subject to all the variables that individual human beings bring to the party.

While one can love alone, the true fulfillment comes when that love is equally felt and shared with another person, be it mate, offspring, immediate family or friend. However, "true love," and I am happy that you seem to have found it, may be nothing more than a happenstance meeting of people with very similar wiring. It cannot be ordained solely by one's actions.

That said, I am very happy for you. I wish more of us were able to find such a suitable partner.

Posted by: MarkH at May 5, 2005 9:29 AM

In my experience, love can most certainly go. It has happened to me more than once, yet it has also come back once. I have found that it is usually fear that drives away love; the fear of forever, the fear of never, the fear of too wrong or too right. I have lived my life based on a hundred forms of fear and it was only when I was brave enough to walk through that fear that I felt love again.

Posted by: Paolo at May 5, 2005 9:50 AM

What a lovely essay on love. I think trust and truth are built over time and, though they can be lost, they can be rebuilt, over time. Humans do make mistakes but virtue is something that extends over time, over the occasional mistake.

Thanks for the recent postings!

Posted by: Rakhiir at May 5, 2005 4:53 PM

Paolo, all too true, and a very wise insight. What was the lyric from "Celluloid Heroes" about Marilyn Monroe?

"She should have been made of iron or steel, but she was only made of flesh and blood."

We're only too human; too weak, too vulnerable, too afraid, too foolish, too greedy and life is too short, we're afraid of death. Getting over fear is a lot harder than it looks. Thanks Gerard Van der Luen.

Posted by: David at May 5, 2005 7:08 PM

Got a wife and kids in Baltimore, Jack
I went out for a ride and I never went back
Like a river that don't know where it's flowing
I took a wrong turn and I just kept going

Everybody's got a hungry heart
Everybody's got a hungry heart
Lay down your money and you play your part
Everybody's got a hungry heart

I met her in a Kingstown bar
We fell in love I knew it had to end
We took what we had and we ripped it apart
Now here I am down in Kingstone again

Everybody's got a hungry heart
Everybody's got a hungry heart
Lay down your money and you play your part
Everybody's got a hungry heart

Everybody needs a place to rest
Everybody wants to have a home
Don't make no difference what nobody says
Ain't nobody like to be alone

by Bruce Springsteen

Posted by: Monique at May 6, 2005 8:44 AM

A mansion on a hill is a lovely sight to see
But like any other house, it’s only temporary
Home is anywhere you choose to put your heart;
If there’s no love inside, it’ll soon fall apart.

Ashes to ashes, dust into dust
Buildings will crumble, bridges will rust
Mountains will disappear, rivers will dry up
And so it goes with everything but love
And so it goes, with everything but love

You can drive around in a long limosine
If you don’t know where you’re going, it don’t mean a thing
He who’d walk a mile, just to hold an empty hand
Knows what it means, to be a wealthy man

Ashes to ashes, dust into dust
Buildings will crumble, bridges will rust
Mountains will disappear, rivers will dry up
And so it goes with everything but love
And so it goes, with everything but love

Worldly treasures will all pass away
There’s just one thing that’s put here to stay

Ashes to ashes, dust into dust
Buildings will crumble, bridges will rust
Mountains will disappear, rivers will dry up
And so it goes with everything but love
And so it goes, with everything but love

from "Will the Circle Be Unbroken, Volume II"

Posted by: Gerard Van Der Leun at May 6, 2005 10:10 AM

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Posted by: name at October 11, 2013 3:41 PM