January 19, 2005

Locked and Loaded

Twenty-one subjects so tedious that the mere mention of them makes me want to unwind with a small shooting spree.

1) Barbara Boxer shorts. No more soundbites out of this doughnut. Preaching to the Damned, hoping to be Hillary. Let Satan take her... and her little dog John too.
2) Abu Gharib gotchas. We really, really need some fresh atrocities, folks. Wake me when Americans start attaching explosives to people's chests and setting them off.
3) "There's no mandate for George Bush." Yes. There. Is. Now. Shut. Up.
4) JibJab. Once was funny. The second sponsored-round is just puerile.
5) Careerist Feminists who can't stand a whiff of criticism without an attack of "I had to leave the room" hysteria. I thought we were supposed to be beyond the era of girlish feelings getting hurt, but I guess not.
6) The cost, the ungodly cost!, of the Inauguration. Hey, I'm not carping about the stupefying cost and utter waste of hundreds of millions on that loser-going-in John Kerry, am I? Telling others when and how to reach for their wallets is just odious, so stop it.
7) The Satanic FCC. Over-rated, over-bloated, and just plain over. The Brussels of D.C. They might care about Howard Stern, but why should you?
8) Why PCs are still a better deal than Macs. I'll admit, here and now that they are... if you like being mired in disease daily and self-inoculations that don't seem to take. Enjoy.
9) M______ J______
10) The Future of CNN. It has none. Get off the stage before the lights dim.
11) Dan Rather's denials, deals, dentures. or diapers. Let an old man turn to the wall and die in peace, why don't you?
12) How the Democrats can "win" in 2008. They can't. They won't. Game over. Why? They are drenched with the smell of fear.
13) Guantanamo and the terrible conditions thereof. If it was really that miserable you wouldn't see all the ACLU lawyers lathered up to spend a two days there, followed by two weeks in Havana in the midst of winter.
14) French anything -- including ticklers.
15) Social security is doomed, DOOMED! I tell you.
16) John Kerry vs. Howard Dean vs. Hillary Clinton vs. Barbara Boxer. Sort of like watching Dwarf wrestling in the ICU.
17) The United Nations and its plans to take $195 billion from you over the next few years. I'd pay $1,000 for a front row seat to watch the building blown into the East River. $2,000 if occupied. Above that, I'm out.
18) Any and all award shows involving television, film, or music celebrities. I will make an exception for "The Buffy Awards" in which a golden spike is driven into the hearts of the winners. Runner-ups to be nail-gunned onto "The Walk of Fame."
19) Bill O'Reilly. Unless it is a televised three-way suicide pact involving Geraldo and Barbara Walters.
20) The ticking time-bomb of Muslim demographics in Europe. Their problem. Light fuse and get away.
21) "Citizen-Journalists:" I'll grant you that a lot of our journalists aren't really citizens, but why would a decent person of a clear mind and a pure heart want to lower himself to such a level? Besides, being a "good citizen" and being a journalist seem to be so mutually exclusive these days, don't they?

Posted by Vanderleun at January 19, 2005 5:28 PM
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

Delightfully bilious.

Posted by: Grumpy Old Man at January 19, 2005 7:37 PM

You forgot cat-blogging :-)

Posted by: Harvey at January 19, 2005 9:18 PM

M______ J______ Hey! What have you got against Michael Jordan?

Posted by: Scott R at January 19, 2005 10:16 PM

Ineffably funny.

Posted by: Dr.MR at January 20, 2005 4:32 AM

One on my list is WMD, Bush lied. That straw man has been set-up and knocked down so many times the straw has turned to dust.

Posted by: phil g at January 20, 2005 6:32 AM

You mean they really did find WMDs in Iraq?

Posted by: jri at January 20, 2005 7:23 AM


Posted by: Van der Leun at January 20, 2005 7:43 AM

Hahaha, you wingnuts just drift farther away every day. Stunning logic and cunning insights, especially, " Yes. There. Is. Now. Shut. Up.". Brilliant. Just brilliant.

Although I am happy that they are teaching 3rd graders how to blog these days. What an accomplishment!

Posted by: nick at January 20, 2005 7:45 AM

"Shut. Up."

Is that you, Bill?

Posted by: Tommy at January 20, 2005 8:55 AM

Someone needs their meds adjusted.

Posted by: John Gillnitz at January 20, 2005 9:03 AM

Surprised that the 'Middle East Peace Process' did not make the list. Maybe it's a bit stale. It still makes me twitch everytime I hear some boob through out the empy phrase with a straight face.

Posted by: phil g at January 20, 2005 11:37 AM

Jeez, Repubs win the elections and yet they're still petrified of the topics in the list above. You say that these are things that you're sick of hearing about, but I read it as "Things that make Repubs quiver". You won; congratulations. That doesn't mean that there aren't any issues in the world that need attention. The fact that they scare you doesn't mean that they should be ignored.

Posted by: Jon at January 20, 2005 3:11 PM

Add trolls to list

Posted by: EagleSpeak at January 20, 2005 6:45 PM


Hilarious. Loved them all. I'll be grinning all through the weekend.


Posted by: Subsunk at January 21, 2005 10:22 AM