June 29, 2004


"The Supreme Court ruled Tuesday that a law meant to punish pornographers who peddle dirty pictures to Web-surfing kids is probably an unconstitutional muzzle on free speech....

The majority, led by Justice Anthony M. Kennedy, said there may have been important technological advances in the five years since a federal judge blocked the law. And, in a startling departure from tradition, Justice Kennedy sang his decision from the bench in what was reported to be a pleasing contralto:

Porn free, as free as the Web flows,
As free as your inbox grows,
Porn free to follow your spam!

Porn free, yes, beauty surrounds you!
The Web still astounds you
Each time you click on a link!

Porn free, where no filters deny you!
You're free as the broadband tide!
There's no perversion we hide!

Porn free, online life is worth living,
But only worth living
'Cause you've free porn!

Children, especially adolescents and their aged fans in libraries and AOL chat rooms, were thrilled by the continuing efforts of the Supreme Court to decide not to decide in this matter.

-- High Court Upholds Block of Web Porn Law

UPDATE: In an apparent homage to Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg's assistance in keeping Porn free across the web, her personal page on HotMature.com shot to the top of PornPageRank.com's list of mature amateur sites with her "InChambers Cam" gaining an estimated 73,000 new subscribers in the last 24 hours. Although no new retirements were announced at the end of the Court's session, Justice Ginsberg's prospects for comfortable golden years now seem assured.


In other news, lines were long at the Washington, New York, and Los Angeles airports where 600 ACLU lawyers were taking planes to Havana in order to start the 600 appeals of Guantanamo terrorists through the federal court system. Flight delays multiplied as Federal security agents at the airports suspended their "no-profiling" policy and searched the body cavities of any passenger fitting the description: "lawyer."

Commander William F. Probity of the LAX detachment commented: "I know we'll catch hell for this from the ACLU, but some of those lawyers could hide a SAM missile inside their orifices and we'd never know the difference if we didn't look."

Advised of the immanent arrival of 600 ACLU lawyers at the base, commanders promised to find them accommodations suitable for them as well as 600 orange jumpsuits.

Elsewhere, lawyers in the Justice Department were busy yesterday assembling the various stratagems and paperwork necessary to appeal any adverse findings in the above cases to, well, the Supreme Court.

Posted by Vanderleun at June 29, 2004 9:28 AM
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