Affirmative Unction: "Yes. We. Can."

From a heretic hidden deep within the Church of the New Obama we have received the following copy of email sent today to all recalcitrant remaining Clinton supporters. Both of them....

Dear Clintonistas,

Hear us now lest we of He-Who-Must-Be-Yes-We-Canned! not smite thee later!

The supporters of the smaller Satans -- John, Joe, Mike, Chris, Bill, and Dennis -- have now received healing deliverance through the Affirmative Unction of chanting without cease Obama's sacred mantra: "Yes-we-can!"

You too can be set free from the bondage of sin and error. Set free, say we, of the Clintonian chains that prevent you from being the person Obama and your guilt-ridden inner-self want you to be.

Simply submit to the Obama's patented, trademarked, and copyrighted ritual of Affirmative Unction (AKA: "Yes we can!")

The Obama (Blessed be His name) desires enable you to give and receive love for Him and His Sekrit Plans for America; a consummation devoutly to be wished.

The Way, the Truth and the Light is simplicity itself.

Repeat unto us the Affirmative Unction "Yes We Can!" Instantly you will lead a fulfilling life, replete with new and improved relationships with family members, friends, co-workers, and any repentant Republicans not executed in our first 100 days.

(You will also receive the Holy Obama Decoder Ring to decipher His Sekrit Plans. 2nd day UPS.)

To be free in Obama, we must be willing to "Yes we can!" everyone who has hurt us when our souls were not rocked in the bosom of Obama. We must forgive ourselves our original racism, accepting Obama's sacred "Yes-we-can-ness!," and even "Yes-we-canning!" Obama Himself!

Brothers and sisters and trans-gendered siblings, there is still time!

Let the Obama light shine within you! Let it lead you to shun the "She-Bitch of Arkansas," the "Whore of Babble-On." Lose your racist lust for her aging, commodious slacks. Reach out thy hand to fondle the firm basket of Obama's holy bespoke suits. Feel then the life-changing release.

Confess your sins! And be Yes We Can! cleansed!

You may have been yearning to be set free from the She-Wolf-of-the-Third-Clinton-Reich for ten or twenty years. Yet you have done nothing for fear of political retribution.

Fear not. Yes you can!

Your problem might be a history of rejection from lesser mammals. It may be infected facial piercings. It may be fear there will never be federal funding for your sexual reassignment surgery.

Be not troubled. Yes you can! be sex-changed free.

You may, through failure, have come to a loathing of success.

Loathe not. Yes we can! lose together.

You may, through success, have sucked up so much money from stock options you feel you are actually a worthless slacker who never did a day's real work in your life.

Feel worthy once more. Yes you can! send the government all your money. And you will.

You may have justifiable inferiority feelings about your dark denied soul when thou art compared unto a summer's day.

Be thou not inferior to a summer's day. Yes you can! be sunny and without soul. We are for we are rappers for Obama.

You may suffer a fantasy depression over your skateboarding inadequacies at age 45.

Chill, grind and ollie on, dudes and dudettes. Yes you can! give up your car and commute 20 miles on a skateboard.

You may harbor anxieties about your penis retracting into your body or being severed and then devoured by ducks.

Harbor not. Yes you can! feed the ducks for verily thou shalt not need a penis much longer, unless thou be of the female persuasion.

You may jibber and froth with fuming anger whenever you see a bush.

Froth not. Yes you can! pretend to impeach that bush.

You may, as a Democrat devotee, suffer from a compulsion to collect pony-girl pornography.

Compulse not. Yes you can! wear a tail and trot about. With Obama, thy only fret shall be thy tail: "Strap-on or plug-in?"

You may have lusted in your heart for your illegal alien gardener.

Lust not. Yes you can! use your illegal alien as both a sex slave and weed-eater.

You may be guilty of double-dipping at the salad bar at McDonalds.

Dip thou thrice upon election night for that night shall be different from all other nights. Yes you can! eat all you wish from the filthy multi-national.

Your carbon-footprint may feel bigger than Texas.

Be absolved of carbon fretting. Yes you can! fit your post-Obama feet into the green glass slipper for verily thou shalt have no trans-fats to eat.

You may have mixed glass and plastic in the recycling bin on July 12, 1992.

Be absolved of thy pollution. Yes you can! recycle all your household's solid human waste onto thy compost pile for the next 10 years to be absolved.

You may have found that the last 20 designer drugs you tried just weren't getting you off despite a world unfair enough to make George Bush president. Twice.

Have thou another hit. Yes you can! and you must stay as stoned as possible until the day after the election. To be known thereafter as "National Doobie Day."

You may be suffering from your inner love of abusing inner-city children on crack while smoking crack. Recreationally.

Love on. Yes you can! get a pass for your past NAMBLA membership. And a government check for future dues too.

You may have spoken for three hours with Chelsea Clinton on a the Pimp-My-Clinton phone sex bank and thereby donated to the She-Beast Who's Number is 666, yay unto thy MasterCard limit.

Call thou 800-HOT-OBAM for a really good time. Yes you can! use your American Express.

You may have done all these sins and more. No matter. These are as nothing in the elected Obama's eyes. In the elected Obama, all is forgiven, all racism expunged, all guilt soothed.

Just say Yes we can!" and Yes you can! be set free!

Set free through the Affirmative Unction! of Obama.

Rest secure that the candidacy of Obama includes inner healing along with free health care, "medical marijuana" bong hits, and a fresh, clean, just brushed feeling of teeth without tartar in the supplemental full dental plan. Yea, it is a package deal.

How do we know that Affirmative Unction will heal us through "Yes We Can!"

Lo, it is written.

In Obama 4:18, Obama hath said, "The Spirit of the giving [is] upon me, because I hath anointed Me to preach the gospel of transferring all wealth but Mine to the poor; I hath sent Me to Heal the broken Hearted, to preach deliverance to the Democrats, and the recovering of sight to the Clintonites, to set at liberty them that are bruised by the lash of Her forked tongue. . ."

When Obama rose on the caucuses of Iowa, He purchased, through His Yes we can! words, remission of thy guilt with a total plan of salvation for us, including healing of our bodies, our selves, and our hurt feelings. (All with a modest co-pay.)

Is it not written, "Surely Obama hath borne our grief's, and carried our sorrows . . . and with His "Yes We Can!" Affirmative Unction we are Healed." Obama 53: 4, 5b.

The Inner Healing of Obama is found first in thy atonement. Forsake ye the Clinton of calumny, and step forward into the eternal Obamaness of "Yes We Can!" through the ritual of Affirmative Unction!

Then take all thou hath and give unto the Obama, for verily the campaign is long and the funds are very short.

Can we give all that we have up unto Obama?

Yes!
We!
Can!