Improving the Pledge of Allegiance

We recently received the following memo from an obscure blog on Salon.com. We are not sure it is 100% genuine so we thought we'd share it here so that others might comment.

To: The Central Committee to Make the Pledge Good Instead of Evil and Old and in the Way.

From: Newspeak Central

Re: The Way Cool New Pledge

Dudes and Dudettes and Other Cool Persons Between Genders,

At your command Newspeak Central has spent some time reviewing the "old and in the way" Pledge of Allegiance. The result, below, is what we have -- after six months of multicultural diversity focus groups and self-criticism sessions -- come up with. It's just a start but we think it is in the right direction. We hope you give us hugs for it.

Original Bad Pledge:
"I pledge allegiance to the Flag
of the United States of America,
and to the Republic for which it stands:
one Nation under God, indivisible,
With Liberty and Justice for all.

Stinky, right? Who can say that kind of tripe with a straight face? Nobody cool, that's for sure. So we got our game face on and worked it over to a thing of beauty that MTV could make a video of once Justin Timberlake records it.

Our line and word editing and the our reasons follows;

"I " [ Too narcissistic -- Alter to 'One may or may not"

"pledge" [ Too binding, implies a commitment to something no matter what may happen to it -- Alter to "hereby loan on a revocable basis"

"allegiance " [Just far too antiquated a notion for today's fast time. Change to: "a smidgen of one's attention"]

"to the Flag" [ The Flag? You've got to be kidding. No symbols drenched in blood,

betrayal, slavery, corporate greed, unbridled lust of global domination for us. Let's change it to 'to the rainbow of diversity"]

"of the United States of America," [ No way. We are not really citizens of the USA. We're citizens of the One World!, the, dare we say it? United Cool Nations! They're the only ones that really care and care and care and care. Strike and replace with "of the United Cool Places of One World of Really Well Meaning Persons" "Nations" had to go. See below.]

"and to the Republic" [Scratch that. It was the Republican form of government that got Bush elected. The Republic is so over. We'll go for Direct Democracy where we all vote on everything, every day on the Internet! Delete and insert "and to the Ruling Elite of Technosavvy, Well-Educated, Nice People" Hey, you can't let everybody in. Most people are so uncool.]

"for which it stands:" ["Stands" is much too forthright and aggressive. We need a lighter touch here. Let's say "which it may represent sometimes"]

"one Nation" [ One? Nation? Doesn't everyone agree that the Nation-state is so over? Let's get jiggy here and substitute "many different global cultures and traditions each one just as good as yours", okay? Cool.]

"under God," [ Man, this is the Big One. This is just too much to be believed. All those billions of antiquated, superstitious, unscientific, blindly believing, stupid UNCOOL people who are cluttering up OUR planet with their foolish faith -- when they could be as smart as us and know, absolutely know, that there's nothing going on in the universe except "purposeless matter hovering in the dark!" The UNCOOL have got to be stopped and saved from their own delusion. This one is right out! Insert "under nothing but our own current ideas of what is cool as we choose to understand cool."

"indivisible," [Way too harsh, man. Too strong. Too fixed. Insert "and able to go our own ways at any time that makes us feel good."]

"With Liberty" [We like this concept. Let's flesh it out to: "With Liberty and license and free cable TV and unlimited weekend minutes."]

"and Justice" [ An obvious typo in the original. Revert to "Just Us"

"for all." [Inadvertently truncated in the original. Extend to: "for all those that agree one hundred percent with Me."

Now we've taken all those items, buffed them up, pushed them together and made them sing!

Here it is, the New and Improved "Pledge of Maybe":

"One may or may not hereby loan (on a revocable basis) a smidgen of one's attention to the Rainbow of Diversity, and the United Cool Places of One World of Really Well Meaning Persons, and to the Ruling Elite of Technosavvy, Well-Educated, Nice People for which it may represent sometimes: Many Different Global Cultures and Ethnic Traditions (each one just as good as the next), under Nothing but our own current ideas of what is Cool as we choose to understand Cool, and understanding that Me and You is Free to go our own ways at any time that makes us feel good .... with Liberty and License and Free cable TV and Unlimited Weekend Minutes, and Just Us -- meaning for all those that agree one hundred percent with Me."

You gotta agree that that JUST ROCKS!!!

Stay cool and rock on,

Joe Conason, Head Scribe,
CREEPC: Committee to Re-Elect President Clinton.

Posted by Vanderleun at July 31, 2003 11:15 AM