October 16, 2004

The Suspense and Waiting is Over at Last: New York Times Endorses Kerry

One of the most suspenseful moments in modern journalism came to an end today, when The New York Times, after months of coy beating around the bush, came out for Senator Kerry.

Although the final selection process was described by an unnamed insider as "A very close run thing," in the end it was John Kerry's unflinching celebration of the lesbian lifestyle of prominent Republican families that put him over the top.

"Maureen," said our source " was just not going to be denied and neither was Frank Rich. Once Kerry said "Lesbian Daughter," they both got so wet we had to mop the corridors between their offices twice.

"We knocked around the idea of supporting Bush quite a bit in the newsroom and up on the executive floor, but when Pinch came out of the Publishers' Suite and announced he was wearing pantyhose under his suit in honor of 'lesbian daughters everywhere,' we knew we had to go for it."

In editorials smeared all over the Saturday and Sunday editions, the Times shocked its conservative of readers on the Upper West Side, the West Village and the Meatpacking district by playing the moral high card.

Kerry "has qualities that could be the basis for a great chief executive, not just a modest improvement on the incumbent," the newspaper said. "He strikes us, above all, as a man with a strong moral core."

After "examining what the candidates have done in the past, their apparent priorities and their general character," the Times said "we enthusiastically endorse John Kerry for president." -- Kerry Collects Major Endorsement

Reaction from the White House was swift, surprised and disappointed.

"We'd been preparing a statement all weekend for Monday release that we really thought could turn the tide at the Times," said an unnamed senior aid to the President who spoke on deep background (and whose initials are K.R.) "We saw how the celebration of lesbian children was swaying the Times and we were going to fire back with our own heartfelf admiration for of Teresa Heinz Kerry's classic collection of cast-iron sex aids. But we just couldn't jam them in the right news cycles fast enough to satisfy the Times. Next time, we'll use Kinkos."

Asked if the Times endorsement was costly, the source replied candidly, "Why yes. We were really counting on the Times to deliver their numberless hoard of readers who have been enslaved to the paper so long that they do the Sunday Crossword in ink."

Early analysis by John Stewart (fresh from his on-air disembowelment of the entire CNN Pundit Team and feeling frisky) indicated that the Times endorsement had moved "...more than two and less than five undecided Times readers into the Kerry column. This is obviously a stunning and unexpected blow to the President. The only way he can possibly recover is by coming on my show every night between now and November 2. I remind you that The Daily Show really is the only place left on TV where a man can demonstrate integrity, integrity, integrity. On the other hand, since the lead-in to my show has a cast of a bunch of puppets, the editorial board of the Times would fit right in as well."

Posted by Vanderleun at October 16, 2004 8:29 PM
Bookmark and Share



"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.


Posted by: FH at October 16, 2004 10:42 PM

Surely you can't be satirizing America's Newspaper of Record. Tsk, tsk!

Perhaps they had before them a penetrating biographical piece on Kerry. By a brilliant young African-American journalist, Jayson Blair.

In the tradition of Walter Duranty.

Posted by: Grumpy Old Man at October 17, 2004 9:18 AM