February 17, 2011

The Declaration of Non-Dependence: In Which America Announces It's Going on Sabbatical


Greetings Anti-American Earthlings!

It has come to our attention that, as Americans, we really haven't been at the top of other Earth citizens' Christmas lists for some time now. Like some spouse that has become too used to having her good life paid for by a husband's work and sweat, you've keep telling us you "need your space."

We have listened. We have heard. You want your space. And we are ready to give it to you. Politely if possible, but with both barrels if necessary. So pay attention....

We gave you a lot during the last 65 years since VJ Day in terms of direct aid -- whole oceans of cash and special privileges -- but we didn't complain. There was the Marshall Plan, the continuing defense of Europe during the Cold War while you just sucked down bon-bons and took long hot showers into the wee hours of the morning with every misfit Muslim, Serb or what-have-you that came your way with "a hand full of gimme and a mouth fill of not-so-much obliged." We looked the other way because we didn’t need those images seared into our memories.

Then there were all sorts of loans never paid back, and many billions and billions more in private charity and donations above and beyond what our government has done for you with our tax money. You were Wimpy and we were Popeye, but our metrosexuals loved summering in the Provance countryside and writing hymns to your cultural theme parks so, well, what the hell?

Don't even talk about the costs of maintaining a credible defense all across Europe so you didn't get munched up and excreted with blueberries by the Soviet Bear. (Looking a little testy again isn’t he?)

Alas, none of this was enough for you. Like some teenaged stoner with an unlimited American Express card, you've always needed more. You always had to go for one more deep suck off the bong while flipping us the finger.

Even when your own economies were robust enough to give you the 30 hour work week and the whole month of August off, we still couldn't pony up enough to keep you in beer, skittles, prosciutto, and fromage.

This situation has made us poorer than we would otherwise have been. There are a lot of things here at home we could have spent the money on -- schools, infrastructure, scholarships, lower taxes, aid to dependent children, and the kind of local American charities that always need help such as the grossly underfunded "You can send Al Sharpton a ball gag or you can turn the page" Relief Organization. We hope you'll understand when we say we need just a year or so of working the "Charity begins at home" concept in order to catch up. And frankly things are a little tight over here and we need to cut back on luxuries such as, well, you.

It's also more than a little depressing to wake up every day and find your "UNtellectuals" in The New York Times  blathering on and on about how stingy and uncaring Americans are.

Hence, Americans are taking the a few years off not only to save many, many billions/trillions of dollars, but for a time of reflection and boosting of the old "self-esteem." After all, you can't help others unless you feel good about yourself.

And let's face it, how can all you other nations (Egypt, The EU, Africa, South America, Mexico, and all the worthy, struggling and proud totalitarian Islamic states) feel good about yourselves when all you do is push your shabby stolen grocery carts around Washington sucking up for a hand-out? We've got our own American Washingtonian suck-ups working overtime as it is. Brother, these days we just cannot spare a dime or, frankly, give a damn.

You need to have a little time to develop some self-reliance. So go out and get that old self-esteem back that only comes with paying for your own defense.

We realize now that in protecting you and the world's markets, and keeping everybody out there from killing everybody else out there, we've robbed you of the chance to determine your own destiny. For many of you, your destiny seems to be death, slavery, boredom, burkas or some bizarre combination of all four. Hey, we guess you've gotta just go for the gusto. You gotta believe!

Therefore, as Americans, we've decided to take a break and bag the rest of the world for about four years. That way you can sort things out without our annoying presence.

Think of it as our sabbatical from your "present difficulties."

Please note that during our sabbatical the following policies will prevail:

1) All foreign aid is going to become internal aid, except for the occasional export of Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, Jimmy Carter and Barney Frank to give you the wise guidance you so desperately need. Use all of them as hand puppets in your rape-riots and don't feel the need to return them when you are done.

2) All charitable giving is going to be directed at deserving institutions and individuals inside the United States.

3) All profits made by US companies will be only be allowed to be reinvested in facilities within the United States. (We'll define what US companies are and any executives of such companies attempting to avoid this edict will be turned over various shadowy groups in the mountains of Afghanistan for their dining and dancing pleasure.)

4) We're going to be reducing our current balance of trade to zero by fiat. Why? Because we can. After that, we'll be running trade on the "one dollar in, one dollar out" basis, so if you want to come out of our sabbatical with favored nation status, you'd best have your Visa card out and ready to be charred to a crisp on the American griddle.

5) For those of you with a lot of your people already living here in the United States and sending money back, well, there's going to be a little interruption in remittances for a year or so as those Americans "in the shadows" come out and spend or be bussed back south of Nogales pronto. Not to worry. You can just raise taxes on your own people to take up the slack, right? Enjoy.

6) Our military men will all be returning home to spend more time with their families. (Time for all you Iraqis, Koreans, Germans, Afghans, Japanese, etc. to man up and get those guns locked and loaded.)

7) As Americans, we never want to do anything to interfere with our own super-rich and their freedom, so there will be a bit of slack around the edges.

Foreign tourism, for example, will not be eliminated but will be socked with a 225% surcharge for any spending done outside the United States. It will be a great time to, as they used to say, "See the USA in your Chevrolet." (Oh yes, foreign automobiles and those manufactured by the U.S, government containing batteries will have, for the duration, a 300% tariff on their purchase price.)

8) Oil? We'll be drilling the entire states of Alaska, California, Texas, and Oklahoma for years along with the Pacific and the Caribbean out to about, oh, Hawaii and  Columbia respectively. After which we'll clean them up better than before because its what we do and we do it best. (Eco-nuts protesting this will be given honorary Swedish citizenship and deported via the alimentary canals of polar bears.)

But if we need extra oil and we ask, you'd better think twice before you say no. We'll always have enough in the strategic petroleum reserve for B-52's, B-2’s and our carrier groups. If we have to send them out away from their families, they will be, we promise you, in a bad mood. Very bad.

But, hey, it's a free world. Make our day.

9) You got that part about the Navy (surface fleet at least) coming home, right? This means we'll no longer be guaranteeing the safety of the sea lanes throughout the world, so if any of your tankers get lost or you see a big fleet of ships coming across the straits towards, say, Taiwan, well, call up North Korea and see if you can get a witness.

10) We're sort of tuckered out here and not a little bit cranky because of it, so please don't do anything that interrupts our picnics, naps and cleaning up our own place starting with the Capitol building and moving right along to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Should any of you take it in your little pin-heads to bug us, please understand that we reserve the right to, well, "over-react" and give you a live demo of how to turn sand into glass in your own backyard. (See below) Learn the inner meaning of our temporary national motto: Noli me tangere.)

If that's too much Latin for your little minds, here's an old favorite of ours that's coming back into style:



We hope this message is taken in the spirit of love and friendship in which it was written. After all, we're founded on the proposition that all men are created equal.

Go get equal. We'll be back.

The United States of America

P.S. Since all of our Armed Forces, conventional and nuclear, will be either ready for instant deployment, or on station as ballistic missile submarines around the world (No, we're not going to tell you where.), don't get any funny ideas. Play nice.

P.P.S. We almost forgot. For the purposes of this note, Israel will become the 51st State for the duration. Be cool.

First published in 2007, but more needed now than ever before Posted by Vanderleun at February 17, 2011 11:38 AM
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

This will cause the Mahogany-headed Mahoney in the White House to stain his shorts.

Posted by: Peccable at February 17, 2011 11:58 AM

Sounds about right to me. Maybe we could get the English-speaking provinces of Canada to consider becoming states as well.

Posted by: Roger Drew Williams at February 17, 2011 12:05 PM

Brought the biggest smile to my face that I have had in ages. I especially like the idea of a 51st state, and RDW, probably only the Western provences of Canada would make good states.

Posted by: Bill_K at February 17, 2011 2:56 PM

So WTF Gerard, you running for Secretary of State or something? You got my vote. Does this mean we get to bitch slap Chavez and Morales?

Posted by: Scipio at February 17, 2011 3:36 PM

Problem is, everybody's sea lanes are our sea lanes, and our companies ship things through them. I suppose you could declare that the Navy would only be defending US-flagged vessels.

Posted by: Maureen at February 17, 2011 4:04 PM

Deep sigh! Better than dessert.

Posted by: Jewel at February 17, 2011 5:23 PM


Ha! I'm gonna have to use that one.

Israel as a 51st, state? Hmmm... I like it.

Hi Scipio! Welcome back!

Posted by: cond0010 at February 17, 2011 8:08 PM

Rave on, guys. I'm sure Canadians would LOVE to become a part of the U.S. and thereby assume collective responsibility for the multi-trillion dollar U.S. debt. Not to mention being ruled over by somebody like Shrub, Obongo, Hillary, Huckabee, or the Plastic Mormon. Such a deal!

Posted by: Quent at February 18, 2011 10:46 AM

Skip the Sec of State and go for POTUS. Any of the commentators here could replace the current SOS and do a better job.

Posted by: ChiefTestPilot at February 18, 2011 12:25 PM

What farrago of good sense and embarrassing anti trade, anti freedom economic illiteracy.

"All profits made by US companies will be only be allowed to be reinvested in facilities ..." Really? Does this apply to Vanderleun too? Does he now approve of the government seizing private property aka corporate profits? How about if the American company is investing in dirty foreign facilities in dirty rotten foreign countries, like Canada, in stuff like Alberta oil sands, to flow desperately needed oil to the USA? Is that OK then? Who will decide if a foreign investment is a good idea or a bad one? Vanderleun? I know! A government committee!!! I'm sure they'll do great job, they always do.

"...reducing our current balance of trade to zero by fiat..". Apparently you do not understand that a negative balance of trade is a good thing. You get goods and services now in exchange for promises and paper that can only be exchanged for your production, later and at a price of your choosing. I'm sure you'll say "But the evil foreigners will buy up our country" to which I respond "Rockefeller center". QED. I'm sure you'll come up with a bunch of reasons to screw up free trade every bit as stupid as good old Smoot and Hawley.

"225% surcharge for any spending done outside the United States". Once again, you pretend to be conservative and yet approve the seizure of private property. Good protectionist move too, really encourages foreigners to travel in the USA. Were you even aware that the USA is the number 2 tourist destination in the world and makes a load of money off dirty, despicable foreigners?

300% on foreign cars? So you would once again destroy economic freedom and private property to force people to drive badly designed junkers made by over paid union thugs? Are you sure you're not a Democrat?

"But if we need extra oil and we ask, you'd better think twice before you say no". Oh good, you also like theft and extortion under threat of violence. Now I am sure you're a Democrat.

Posted by: Fred Z at February 19, 2011 5:46 PM


Gerard doth thou need an adjustment of the satire detector or do I?

Posted by: vanderleun at February 19, 2011 8:30 PM

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