November 7, 2004

In the Generalisimo Francisco Franco Wing of a French Military Hospital

Dead_Parrot_Small.jpg

"He is not in a coma." That from an aide to Yasser Arafat who says the Palestinian was "sleeping" in stable condition in intensive care after another round of medical tests on Saturday. -- Spokesman says Arafat "sleeping," not in coma

A private suite in a French Military Hospital's Intensive Care Ward. Mr. Hamas, in high dudgeon, is addressing the French Doctor in charge.    

Mr. Hamas: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this Arafat what I visited in this very French hospital...

     M. Le Docteur: Oh yes, the, uh, the Arafat... What's,uh... What's wrong with him?

     Mr. Hamas: I'll tell you what's wrong with him, my lad. 'E's dead, and I can't get anyone to sign this terrorist payroll, that's what's wrong with him!

     M. Le Docteur: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.

     Mr. Hamas: Look, Froggy, I know a dead Arafat when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

     M. Le Docteur: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable Arafat, the Arafat, idn'it, ay? Beautiful headgear, manly face stubble! A right shiny fellow once you get past the facial lesions.

     Mr. Hamas: The face stubble don't enter into it. He's stone dead.

     M. Le Docteur: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!

     Mr. Hamas: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the bed) 'Ello, Mister Arafat! I've got a lovely fresh bribe from Jacques Chirac

and a tasty meat patty for you if you show...

     (M. Le Docteur hits the cage)

     M. Le Docteur: There, he moved!

     Mr. Hamas: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!

     M. Le Docteur: I never!!

     Mr. Hamas: Yes, you did!

     M. Le Docteur: I never, never did anything...

     Mr. Hamas: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO ARAFAT!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

     (Takes Arafat out of the bed and thumps his head on the counter. Throws him up in the air and watches him plummet to the floor.)

     Mr. Hamas: Now that's what I call a dead Arafat.

     M. Le Docteur: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!

     Mr. Hamas: STUNNED?!?


     M. Le Docteur: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Arafats stun easily, major.

     Mr. Hamas: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That Arafat is definitely deceased, and when I checked him in here a few days ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged effort to erase the state of Isreal and all Jews from the face of the Earth.

     M. Le Docteur: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.

Posted by Vanderleun at November 7, 2004 1:18 PM
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"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper N.B.: Comments are moderated and may not appear immediately. Comments that exceed the obscenity or stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

M. Le Docteur: ...So, do you want to go back to my place?

Mr. Hamas: I thought you'd never ask.

Posted by: FH at November 7, 2004 3:04 PM

Yes, that's how it struck me, too. Points to you for saying it first.

Posted by: Dave Schuler at November 7, 2004 3:52 PM

Thank you very much for making me laugh so hard that I spit my tea all over the monitor!

Posted by: Deborah Koppit at November 7, 2004 4:22 PM

Arafat is "sleeping" the same way armadillos "sleep" by the side of every highway in the southwest. It's just a flesh-wound!
I hope that bastard is puching up daisies soon.

Posted by: JJ at November 7, 2004 6:32 PM

Arafat is "sleeping" the same way armadillos "sleep" by the side of every highway in the southwest. It's just a flesh-wound!
I hope that bastard is puching up daisies soon.

Posted by: JJ at November 7, 2004 6:32 PM

Arafat is "sleeping" the same way armadillos "sleep" by the side of every highway in the southwest. It's just a flesh-wound!
I hope that bastard is pushing up daisies soon.

Posted by: JJ at November 7, 2004 6:33 PM

"Pining for the fjords?!! Palestine doesn't have fjords!"

"Eet does now. Ze Israelis and zeir bulldozers, zey are tres fast..."

Posted by: P.A. Breault at November 7, 2004 6:54 PM

I was going to do that bit, too, but I couldn't remember enough dialogue and was too lazy to look it up.

I have run a Weekend Update, though -- This just in . . . Arafat is Not Dead Yet. This also just in. Generalissimo Franco is still dead.

Posted by: mark at November 7, 2004 10:33 PM

God I love Python.

Now you've got to get a dead Arafat to visit the Office of Silly Walks...

Semper Fi,
Capt Smythe

Posted by: Capt Smythe at November 8, 2004 6:05 AM

We need to get this Arafat death thing over with, but first, the numbers to his secret bank accounts must be extracted from him somehow.

Once that's done, they can put a pillow over his face and have Michael Moore sit on it.

Posted by: Roderick Reilly at November 8, 2004 7:55 AM

I'm watching the Suha thing. Its like Thackeray said: "Since the days of Adam, there has been hardly a mischief done in this world but a woman has been at the bottom of it."

Heh.

Posted by: Eric Blair at November 8, 2004 7:57 AM

Well, it's an ex-Arafat what we got now, I guess

Posted by: radley at November 8, 2004 10:33 AM

So Suha was the one who stole the billions? And I thought she was only a minor league opportunist.

Posted by: CGK at November 11, 2004 7:11 AM

Pining for the wadis

Posted by: Derick at November 11, 2004 3:46 PM