Hint to James Wolcott: When You Look Like the Spawn of Jabba the Hut and Mr. Toad, Don't Advertise TV Appearances
Smart. Brainzzzz! "You know, I get, uh, four newspapers delivered every day!"
Once upon a time even the 4th string liberal commentators at least made an effort at cleanliness before appearing on TV, but no more. I'm sure at some time in the past, James Wolcott read one of the innumerable stories on how those close-up sweating moments on 60 Minutes indict liars, but he has evidently forgotten it. These days this mercifully brief video segment only underscores the fact that some people will do anything to get on televison; some people will even do CSPAN.
"I got up at an unfamiliar hour to the sound of sparrows to do a segment on C-SPAN, which was great fun once the caffeine kicked in."
Kicked in? The only thing that looks kicked in in the entire segment is Wolcott himself. If ever there was a poster child for the "See How Liberal Bootlicking Sucks Your Soul" crusade, it's Wolcott. He's a classic portrait of bad wannabe Ivyleague style gone to seed; a Dorian Grey for our moment. He's got it all.
There's the "Nutty Professor" tatty, ill-fitting jacket just ready for a slight puff of wind to unleash a blizzard of scalp droppings from the shoulders. Mark the pseudo-Pinks shirt of a ghastly blue plaid with a checked pattern that is far to big for a man of Wolcott's pasta-powered corpulence. There's the corpulence itself extruding from the collar, billowing up the neck, and blossoming beneath the oil-soaked skin that barely contains the slipping fat of the fallen face.
Mark well the face itself, emerging as Al Gore's once did and will again, from a sheet of flab animated only, like a clone of Clutch Cargo, by a sybarites' lips from which comes two, count'em, two voices. It's a shocking effect -- as if a frog and an alley cat were trapped in his lungs and struggling for supremacy.
The two voices give it all away and make one shudder. One seems a studied and controlled baritone quaver. A voice possibly formed and mellowed by many meetings with a media trainer. It soothes you and takes down your guard until your ear is shredded by the eruption of his authentic neuter's squeak at random intervals. It is as if Wolcott is doing all he can to keep sounding vaguely manly, but just can't quite keep his inner sissy in check. Little wonder since he obviously spends so much time riding his inner hobby horse everywhere except down the King's highway.
We won't even speak of the long and ghastly hanks of hair, since shampoo is obviously something Wolcott has long since given up in favor of smegma-infused skull wax. Instead we shall merely note these locks as a "lifestyle choice" and pass by.
In the new global cause celeb Susan Boyle we can see how character and soul give birth to beauty from unlikely vessels. In Wolcott's "I don't know nuffin' about the news lest it be in the New Yorker Times" CSPAN diatribe, we learn only that a lifetime spent dissipating yourself under Graydon Carter's desk can cause dark pustules of degeneracy to pervade your puss.
Wolcott holds, in the face of evidence placed in front of his face, that the Tea-Parties were of no consequence. But that is clearly not what he's thinking. What he's really thinking is, "David Gergen got to do tea-bagging jokes with that hunky Anderson-Cooper on MSNBC, and all I got was this lousy CSPAN slot!"
I have, in a delicate moment, decided to place the offending video of Jabba James out of view since I know this in a family blog. However, I should caution concerned parents everywhere to memorize this face and be prepared to alert the proper authorities should it show up in your neighborhood threatening ballet criticism. After all, it's a strange manchild indeed who would pair his appearance on CSPAN with the Velvet Underground's hymn to junkies, hookers and transvestites, Sister Ray. ("My special holiday washboard edition of "Sister Ray," which brings a twinkle to every eye." And a lump to his pantyhose, we imagine.)
Video coming up. Yes, it is too much information, but you've been warned.